Bleach World(Or something Like That-)
by Kitsune-Dama
Summary: "Greetings, Hoomahns, it is I, your one and only Senpai! That is right, bask in my glory!" "You suck!" "Who said that! Ahem, anyways, as I was saying, I come to thee with a tale of great valor and wisdom-" "If you count absolute crap you thought up while drunk, then sure!" "Don't make me come down there! But onto more pressing matters." "Bleach sucks!" "That does it, you little-"
1. Bucket full of sunshine- and bleach!

**This is a parody to both Bleach AND World of Bleach- neither of which I own(I also don't own any names that are used in this story except my own, or any games/comics or what have you those names come from.), Bleach being a Manga owned by Tite Kubo, and World of Bleach being an RPG of the Bleach world owned by… Someone- I don't know who, visit the site to find out(Why not play while you're there too, eh?). This DOES have violence and swearing in it- so be forewarned! But also enjoy!**

"And that, children, is why we only feed Uncle Dormammu on full moons!" I cheerfully told all the little Arrancars laying in a circle around me as Dormammu came out of his cave to eat the large pile of Hollows stacked before him- at least 5 stories tall. All of the Arrancars were looking on, morbidly fascinated as he devoured all the Hollows in one huge swoop.

"Wh-Where does he put it all?" Oftendistracted(Ironic name for someone always so rapt with attention, I say-) asked me as he cowered on the floor with all the other of his Rank behind him. He was rather short(As was every other Arrancar and Ranked officer-), 4 foot at best, with brown hair that spiked at the end, reaching just at his shoulders. He was wearing fairly standard Arrancar wear- white coat, white hakama pants, and black boots with a black obi holding his pants up.

"The same place I do… Wherever that is-" I muttered as I scratched my chin. Where did I put all those Hollows? Bah- like hell if I care! They were just so scrumptious, how could I not eat a few(hundred) dozen?

It would be blasphemy of the highest calibre if I didn't!

Though that apparently set them off, as they all had wide eyes as they ran and screamed in the other direction. I didn't really care what they were screaming, as it was pretty hilarious just watching them scream and run anyway. Especially Oftendistracted, who had released and was running around in circles like a headless chicken.

Didn't help that there were feathers flying everywhere and he was making sounds that suspiciously sounded like "Bawk".

"Okay, runt, time for you to go back to Zangetsu for training time." I told him as I picked him up by the head and started walking him to Fraccion 6's domain. "But I don't want to- I am already stronger than a lot of the other Rank 5's!" Oftendistracted interrupted my strides by swinging his leg and getting me right in the shin, making me wince and drop him.

That was my punting leg the brat just kicked!

But he apparently wasn't done as he turned around and started to gather an orange energy(Curses! My one(of many-) weaknesses!) orb around his hand. "Chispa Caos!" He shouted as I grabbed his wrist as I tried to stop him. But it had been so long since I was lower Ranked, that I forgot exactly what all these lower kind of moves did, and in that was my mistake as he wanted that. "Gotcha!" He grinned as the orb floated towards my(If I do say so-) well chiseled face.

"... You are getting such a punting when this is done-" Was all I could say before the orb expanded and destroyed the surrounding area in about a 150 feet radius.

The aftermath was there being a 50 foot wide crater right outside my God, damn, lawn!

He knew that wasn't going to do jack diddly squat to me though, so he pressed on after he got out of the dust the crater made. "Forma de aguja Cero!" He yelled as he sent his palm outward, shooting tiny needle-shaped reiatsu blasts into the dust randomly, hoping to hit me.

Now, I could have humored him and let the attack hit me(Would have bounced off anyway, as I have one of the hardest Hierros in all of Hueco Mundo-), but-

"Super Punt Attack!" I yelled as I appeared behind him and kicked him with the leg he kicked before, and sent him flying(Inadvertently sending him flying all the way to Fraccion 6's Barracks) with the powerful kick. "It's super effective!" I muttered as I pushed my Hollow remnant(That looked eerily similar to what those "Hoo-Mahns" called "Glasses"-) back up on my face.

Screw karma- retribution was my bitch!

I sonidoed, however, to Fraccion 6's area. Just to make sure he arrived there and not in the newly decorated Fraccion 4 Barracks- wouldn't want Zangetsu to be killing me now because he had one of his subordinates minds broken after seeing it, now would I? Though he'd have to get in line, as I would have killed myself before I went back to that potato infested hell-hole.

Who strings potatoes around like they were Christmas lights, anyway?

Sandy Klaws would be ashamed.

I should probably introduce myself, shouldn't I? Well too bad, my stories my rules.

"Hey, Zangetsu, you seen- oh, I see you have." I muttered at the end as I saw Oftendistracted sitting perfectly still on Zangetsu's head so he wouldn't be stabbed by his horns. Zangestu, being a fellow Legendary Espada(The highest rank a Hollow could be honored with, being the last in our Ranking system-) did not have any set dress code he had to abide by. He had a Hollow mask that covered his entire head, with long orange hair going down his waist, no shoes, and had black hakama pants ripped at their bottom, being held up by a white sash. He wore no shirt, showing his white upper body to the world, with red fur at his wrists and neck(Extremely pale guy with long hair and fluffy fur on his body, reminds me of a bishounen- don't tell him I said that though, or else I'm going to get the ass-beating of a lifetime.).

"Why are you always in your Released form, Zangetsu?" I asked him as I approached. "Scares the crap out of everyone- I remember the first time I released, all those Arancars wet themselves!" He gave out a barking laugh as he started making his way into his Barracks, me following behind him. "Yeah- how could I forget?" I muttered.

Someone had to clean up the puddles.

"Anyway, what brings you here?" He asked as we stepped into his Quarters. "Just making sure Oftendistracted was returned safely." I told him as I looked around the room. "Didn't want my ki- I mean, his attack to have backfired and sent him somewhere he shouldn't be, ri-" I stopped as I finally took notice of his… _friend_ on his bed, apparently still out of it from previous actions. "Oh dear God-" I muttered as I pinched the bridge of my nose in my hand.

"Oh yeah- where is he, anyway? It's almost time for the weekly training session with all the Arrancars and Elite Fraccions!" He said jovially as he went about looking for his sword under all the clothes strown about the room. Apparently, he forgot it when he first went outside. And also apparently, didn't notice the now red-faced Arrancar that was on his head, looking at Julia. Just goes to show- those masks prevent anyone from feeling anything.

Helps when you have a hungry Hollow that is trying to bite your head off, or a pesky Shinigami who wants nothing more than to lob your head in two. Ah, memories-

Or at least I think those were memories- the splitting of your head into two pieces tends to make you forget things.

"Yeah- no clue! I'm gonna head out though, as I have… _things_ to do." Yeah.

Things.

"I like your new hat, though! Real strapping!" I yelled out from over my shoulder as I exited the chamber. I'll let him deal with that one. He was King at one point- I'm sure he could handle it. Probably.

"Guess I'll-" I was interrupted as a small Hollow- a Devouring Beast, if I recall- came up to me after I left Fraccion 6's Barracks. Probably going looking for Zangestu, I mused to myself. "HELP! SHINIGAMI ATTACKING!" Or not, I guess.

"Calm down- what are they attacking? Hollows, our Base, or our Manga?" You'd think that last one would be a joke-

Yeah, you see a lot of shit after a few years.

"... Yes-" I knocked him out right after that comment. Smart-ass.

"Guess I really DO have something to do today." I spoke to myself as I went off towards Kyoto City. Normally, I wouldn't do anything about this, and let the other, stronger, Hollows deal with it, but recently, I've had more, ah, _motivation_ to be more active in our… rights?

Do Hollows have rights? Hell- do the dead even NEED rights?

Whatever- anyway, as of recently, I had attained a very prestigious position. So prestigious, none of the Espada had even been granted the right(Of course, there were people in the position who had taken control of the seats- but that was beside the point.), which said something of the rarity of the situation. I- was a Peacekeeper. Pathetic sounding name(Especially for a Hollow-), eh? But it was still a very high position.

After so long, both sides- Shinigami and Hollow- began to have issues. With each other? No- but amongst their own race. High ranking Hollows attacking poor, innocent ones- it was sickening. I'm sure it was happening on the other side, as well, as both sides decided to make this position. The Race Genocide-it was called. Many good Hollows- and Shinigami, as well- had died during those times, killed by their own race.

Despicable.

Both sides were hit hard- had to resort to actually KILLING humans to recruit more soldiers before the other side could, and in turn gain more forces than the opposition and completely outmatch them. I would know, as I am one of said humans.

One of the last, actually, as almost all the ones turned from my time either died, or…

Gave up.

The last one I don't like to think about.

Anyway, the position was made to stop those killers and any future ones like them. We were tasked with… _cleansing_ those trouble makers. Only if they resisted, however. Those that didn't were spared.

Almost no survivors made it.

Another reason why I was going was because I had just recently changed fraccions(Again-) to my old Fraccion where I had started out as nothing more than a wee-Huge Hollow.

… That came out wrong-

But the Fraccion members(Both old and new.) don't exactly… trust(Read: Like) me, so to get their "trust", I am going to try and protect our home!

Or the more likely option- Die trying.

Again? I'm not sure how that works-

I made it to Kyoto finally, however, so those thoughts would have to wait. Glancing around showed me most of the Espada were already there- fighting the few Captains that Soul Society could spare for this endeavor. Looked like they were going to be fended off, however, so I don't think I would have to get involved.

"Die Hollow!" I just love it when I'm wrong. I sighed as I jumped forward, right off the building I was crouching on, and stood in mid-air like it was nothing new. Just like that pig I saw awhile back-

Like I said- I've seen it all.

"Who decided to attack me this time?" I asked as I saw the crouched form of the one who tried to slash at me like I was a ham at the deli aisle. "Hmmm- Cextra was it?" I muttered as I saw the Veteran Shinigami. He, like most other Veteran Shinigami and Privaron Espadas, chose to differentiate as far from the Elite Shinigami and Elite Fraccions uniforms as he could(Because honestly- those things were God awful. Nothing but White and Black with the allowed colored shirt or scarf or what have you here or there.) He had blue-black hair, tied in a ponytail behind his back, reaching his shoulder blades. He wore a green t-shirt with a pendant around his neck that looked like a pedestal of some sort with a sword stuck in it. As far as pants went, he still seemed to wear standard Shinigami wear- but with green stripes running down the sides, as well as green ninja sandals(He really likes green, doesn't he?). He appeared to be around 5'6 with some form of ranked officer's badge on his arm as well.

"Not here for friendly tea and chill, I suppose?" I asked rhetorically as he grabbed his blade and dashed towards me. "Of course not- no one ever wants to tea and chill." I sighed as I dodged his first slash and tried to backhand him, but he shoved his blade in front of my hand at the last second, and sparks went flying. Can't seem to pierce me with his blade unless he puts force into an attack it would seem. He continued on as he retracted his blade and tried to pierce me in the left lung.

My favorite lung! How dare he?!

"My FFL!" I yelled as I stopped his blade with my hand and punched him in the face, sending him flying. It's what he deserves for threatening my favorite fucking lung. Though he didn't seem to like that as he stopped his free fall and took aim with his hand.

"Hado Number 33: Sokatsui!" He yelled as a red orb was sent flying at me. "Ah man- red is my 3rd favorite color! I can't destroy something so great a color!" I whined as the orb just hit me and exploded. He apparently expected me to dodge, block, or counter, as he had shunpoed behind me to catch me off-guard at any turn, but seeing as how I was veiled in smoke, he didn't know where I was exactly.

Flame on I suppose, then.

"Salvo la Llama!" I muttered as I swiped my hand across the air, scattering the rest of the smoke and revealing ten orbs a quarter the size of the Kido he just used floating in front of me. "Before I do this, I would just like to say-" I appeared behind him and pointed under him with the tip of my finger.

"Pozo de Gravedad."

And then all hell broke loose as a black beam screeched to a halt beneath his feet, causing a distortion before a black construct that tried to suck him in manifested, causing his movements to cease as he struggled to escape the vacuum-like monstrosity as my orbs came zooming in on our area, about to explode.

"It's times like these that I'm glad our own attacks don't hurt us." I mused to myself as the orbs expanded to twice their size before exploding into pillars of flame that anyone with even the tiniest of spiritual sense felt.

"Hm. That can't have beaten him- so where could he be?" The mixture of the flaming heat and the vortex(Which strangely never suck up these flames- or anything, now that I think about it. They just seem to slow other's movements.) shouldn't have knocked him out- he was the second highest Rank someone could get, of course he shouldn't have been beaten by this! But the Vortex was still in play so he can't have escaped out of the flames, which I'm sure are currently ebbing away what little stamina he could have at this point, so he can't waste anymore time, which meant-

"O Lord, mask of flesh and bone, all creation, flutter of wings-" He would be attacking now. Though why he would use the same Kido that didn't work before did not add up, which also probably meant-

"-The tone of the spear striking fills the lone castle!" Niju Eisho. How I do very much hate it. "Hado Number 63: Raikouhou!" My flames weakened the attack, however, so it wasn't able to get all the way through with its intended effect, and just ended up making me grunt and pushing me away from my flames, leaving a scorch mark on my hand that I used to block. It did, however, break my concentration enough on the vortex for him to escape both it and the flames that were left after his attack.

He looked like shit though, as his shirt was burnt black, his hair looked like it was singed at the ends, and he had second degree burns almost over his entire arms and a third degree one right above his eyes on his scowling forehead. Huh. He didn't seem very amused by that.

I mean, I was- but that didn't matter at this point I suppose.

"Why don't we do this like men, eh? Mono-e-Mono! No fancy spells or elegant swings of a blade! Just our dukes! What do you say-" That was interrupted by a punch to the face that caused my lip to bleed. Guess that was a yes, then-

I countered by going out with a kick that he jumped over and then tried to hit me with a haymaker, which I side-stepped as I spun and sent out my other leg that hit him right in the cheek and sent him flying. "Never really have been a Melee fighter, though I guess there is a time for anything-" I muttered as I sonidoed right above his flying form and tried to clothesline his body. Sadly(For me-) He saw my outstretched arm and took the opportunity to spin around in mid-air and tried to break my arm with a kick, using the momentum I gave him to do so.

"Shit on toast!" I yelled as his leg nearly ripped my arm off my shoulder as he back-springed off my now very broken arm to get in front of me, a smirk now on his face in place of the scowl that was marring his face before.

Don't worry folks- it will be back on there only momentarily!

I roared as I ripped my arm off from my shoulder. He knew almost immediately what was going to happen the second I touched my arm, but he apparently still wasn't used to it yet, as he winced a little before schooling his features. It was all I needed. I appeared in front of him when he started to wince and punched him with my right arm(Damn it, he broke my favorite fucking arm, too! Bitch!), the one still attached, in his stomach, right as he recovered from he wince, which made his eyes widen as he wheezed up spittle(Not to be mistaken with its brethren, Skittles-) and crouched down from the force of the blow. I then proceeded to elbow his head, further causing him to bend down more as I then tried to knee his face with my knee-

-Which would have happened had he not sliced my left leg off at the thigh(Son of a bitch! There goes my favorite fucking leg, too!) though. "Bitch!" I yelled as blood started flowing everywhere. Bifurcated right in the middle of the femur- that was gonna hurt in the morning. At least it was a clean cut, I thought to myself. Those don't hurt nearly as much as some of the other cuts I've seen(Or felt-) before.

Remember kids- it hurts when it's cut in two, but it kill's when you are, too.

That had no relevance to the current plot whatsoever, but it's still fun to say.

I winced as I kneeled on my one good leg, having to use my arm to steady myself on the… Sky. Glancing up, I saw Cextra use shunpo to come close and stab his Zanpakuto into my neck. So much for Hand-to-Hand, then. Just goes to show you, not even for a minute can you trust a-

 **SQUELCH**

-Hollow. "You know, you'd think after all this time that you would know better."I told him as my left arm pulled back, taking my sword with it, straight out of his left lung. 'Is he still on about that?' You ponder? Yes.

I am.

"It was a good fight anyway, Shinigami." I told him as he started to drop to the ground hundreds of feet below us. If I hadn't grabbed him, that is. "Maybe next time, Cextra. " I said to him as he grunted and vanished into thin air.

That's the way things work, around here.

You see, our world is governed by three separate bodies, entities, if you will, that say who will win, who will die, who get's the last cookie from Dark's Bake Sale-

Etc, etc.

Without their consent, no major events can take place. No deaths(By another's hand, I should add, as it is still possible to kill oneself.), no permanent hostile takeovers(there can, still, be invasions that last an hour or two if our "Bases" are broken, allowing the opposing side to enter and start attacking anyone they see fit, even our Race's last line of defense(Which- might I add- also can't be destroyed) and in doing so, drop the morale of the attacked side, allowing soldiers from the other side to get their own morale boost, and in turn allowing the attacking side to gain more strength in the long haul through better training-), no murderous rampage(Hey! That's where I come in-), no nothing.

Extortion? Nope. Blackmail? You wish. Gambling circuits? One of the first things to go. Unfair and unjust attacking of lower Ranks? Fat chance. Spamming on the various global networks(Yeah- we have those here.) through which we contact friends and even enemy's asking if they want to do battle? Well, that's where the peacemakers come in.

We have a bigger job than to just prevent others from killing unjustly- we prevent all sorts of actions not allowed by the three entities(Named Hitori, "King of the North",Warusaki, "Senpai"... Don't ask, and LsmJudoka, "OSkomodo", not uh, sure what that last one means, but, it's there-), such as spamming the different social networks available to both Shinigami and Hollow, making sure no one cheats in battles(Ever see someone pelt rotten eggs at a person in Bankai so that they couldn't hide from them because they smelt like rotten eggs? I know I have-), killing hoomahns to make them into soldiers(Doing that with Shinigami is easy- making a Plus a Hollow? Well- let's just say I have never seen such fat Devouring Beasts before.), and a plethora of other acts.

Of course, these entities are new to here(Obviously, as if they were here before, The Race Killings would not have happened.), coming not too long ago, around the same time I was killed and made a Hollow. Sucks they didn't come earlier- but what can you do?

Turn yourself into a Shinigami and be cleansed, only to become a Shinigami in the process?

I think I'll stick with being the 'Monster' thank you.

Well, looks like we were able to push he Shinigami back anyway- for now. They always came back within hours of failing, anyway, so they would be coming back when everyone was sleeping, more than likely.

Bastards.

Now what to do- the Shinigami were gone, the Hollows had went back inside, and I hadn't tea nor people to be able to tea and chill, so that option was out. Shrugging, I brought out my phone(Looks like those "Apple" products those "Hoo-Mahns" have- stupid name, really. Named after a fruit- or maybe named after the forbidden fruit, instead, because you could see those kinds of things on the device(It's amazing what women can do with their legs-), not sure which, really.) and activated it, going on 'Hollow Hook-Up'.

'Zero Friends!'

Aw, crippling loneliness. My old friend.

I went through all the Hollows that were online at the moment, seeing if any of them were up to talk or not(Of course they weren't- this is me we're talking about!), seeing if any wanted to fight(Loathe I am to admit it, especially as a Hollow, I hated fighting with a passion(A passion so strong, if shown to a woman, they would be without a doubt, in need of a towel.).) , or to see if I could watch a battle(Which I am curiously indifferent about. Meh.) , and to my surprise(And relief, as it meant I didn't have to go out and… _Make friends_ \- I shudder at the thought.) I found one I could spectate.

 **Andreza Oltorain VS Yuji**

Oh? A fight between a Legendary Shinigami and a Legendary Espada? Better than anything I could have hoped for! Time to mindlessly watch two people beat the crap out of each other for my amusement! Were they really fighting just for my amusement? No, they weren't.

But I like to think they were!

Clicking the link, my phone was transformed into a Television like object about the size of my waist, that was able to sit on the air like I was. Weird? Yeah- damn useful though. It looked like a regular Television those hoomahns used, except instead of a black frame almost all Televisions had, ours was covered in white bones, with a pitch black screen, making it seem as if the object was…

Hollow.

And I wonder why I don't have any friends- anyway, soon after it had transformed, the screen came to life, showing the battle had already gotten pretty far in. It appeared Andreza had released and was forcing Yuji back constantly, not allowing anytime for a counter attack.

Andreza was a fairly tall man, 5'11, and has midnight blue hair, perfectly framing his pale form, and going with his black and blue outfit. He wore an equally midnight blue shirt under a blue trench coat with a high collar that was pushed down, just reaching his lower chin. He also wore midnight blue pants, with a dark gold ring around each thigh, held up by a white piece of clothe. For footwear, he wore a pair of black boots with blue trimming. His released sword, now released swords, were not very long, a foot and a half blade with a six inch handle and black fur in place of where the guard should be. He held all three of them in the same hand, his right, while in his left, he held all three of their sheathes, which probably meant he used them as wea-

"Kneel, Santo Divina!" Oh, it looks like Yuji had released while I was in the middle of speaking to myself and my audience.

Bitch.

When those words were uttered, a bright light erupted around Yuji, blinding Andreza. Luckily, I had the forethought to put on sunglasses when I realized who was fighting(Yuji really loves those flashy(Literally-) techniques.).

When it died down, Yuji was now about 5'5, decked in a swiss maiden's outfit, complete with a white shirt, half covered under a brown brassiere, which flowed into an orange skirt. On the legs were grey pinstriped stockings, which went down into brown boots. Yuji also had long, flowing yellow hair tied in twin pigtails by two white hairpins, the Hollow remnant of Yuji(It's what all Hollows have, it's just that most remnants are not visible until the Hollow releases their sword, thus allowing the remnant to grow with their host.), also, a barre was on Yuji's head, covering a part of the skull. To top it all off, was an orange bow-tie around the neck. The resurreccion changed the sword Yuji was using before into a large, dual scythe. All in all, it made Yuji look like a pretty girl who didn't have a clue on how to even swing the large thing.

Yeah. Definitely a Trap.

Seeing the injuries the previous fight had given, Yuji raised the scythe into the air. "Luz Divina!" With that, all the injuries were healed, including the particularly nasty cut right above where Yuji's left... breast, was.

Andreza gritted his teeth as he charged at Yuji, raising his three swords in hand, as Yuji quickly raised the scythe to block, and then spun, causing the swords to be knocked off balance and had the scythe swipe in the opposite direction the blades were coming from. Luckily for Andreza, he used his sheathes to block at the last second, but it caused him to be thrown back.

Man! That attack was killer! I could almost hear it directly from the battlefield! In fact, it felt like I could feel Andreza flying past me as well!

… Oh.

"What up, Yuji?" I asked as said person appeared next to me in a flit of buzzing that always indicated when sonido was used. "Not much- except this guy decided to snipe me after my previous battle with Archer." Yuji grunted. Despite looking like such an innocent little woman, Yuji's voice sounded... androgynous, almost. "Ah, low on on energy?" I asked, getting a nod in return. "Anyway I can get you to help?" Yuji batted eyelashes in my direction, causing me to shutter. That was Kayo's trick- not mine! Yuyo, I think the name was called. Not sure about ship pairings, really. I'm more into selfcest, anyway. MooMoo I call it, taken after my first name, Mu.

I ship it- don't judge.

"As long as you never do that again- sure." I said as I held out a fist right when Andreza came shunpoing in front of us, causing him to rocket into my fist. Fast little trick, he was, but handling and steering were never his forte. Subsequently, he didn't need steering to slice my arm into three and then bat those pieces away in the same motion.

At least it wasn't favorite fucking arm, this time.

"Bakudo Number 63: Sajo Sabaku!" Andreza shot out thin ropes of reishi that then veered toward me, and proceeded to hold my newly regenerated arm, and the other one too, to my torso. "Ah, god, dang it- I hate Bakudo." I whined as Yuji went to confront Andreza.

The Way of Binding- such a fickle art. Not many Shinigami dabble in it, choosing instead to go with Hado, Kaido, or Chiryoyo Kido- and if they didn't choose any of those, they tended to lean more towards Hakuda and Zanjutsu. Me? I hated it for one reason-

"I can't cross my arms, damn it!" Let it be known, I always have to do something with my arms. Just a habit I picked up from before I died, I suppose. Or, from having to constantly be on the move when I was a younger Hollow so that I didn't get eaten-

Take your pick.

It was easy enough to break, though, so I was never in them for long. All I had to do was flare my rather large Reiatsu(Having one of the hardest Hierro's means a lot of Reiatsu, and also dense reservoirs too, which sucked when I was a just a small Arancar, as it meant my control sucked all the wee-wees. Luckily, as time went on, I increased my control, and am now very proficient in controlling my energy- to the point of being able to even turn off my Hierro for set periods of time… As you no doubt saw when Cextra cut off FFLL(Favorite Fucking Left Leg-) and Andreza easily slicing my arm to bits.) and the spell would either be completely destroyed, or would erode enough to the point I could physically break it. In this case, it was the latter.

"Grah!" I roared as I broke the spell by pushing my arms outward. "Pantano Mortal!" I yelled as I back-flipped onto all fours, and opened my mouth as wide as I could.

Normally, this wouldn't be how I used the attack, as I would usually place my hands on the ground and flood it with my Reiatsu, causing the ground around me to transmorph into a viscous like substance, highly toxic to anything not me. However, two things were different this time- biggest being we were all suspended in mid-air, and there was no ground what to speak of. The other, less significant part, was that I couldn't exactly use it for fear of friendly fire.

Call of Duty had an off switch for that kind of stuff- why couldn't we?!

I took aim where at where they were fighting, and slowly built up reishi in my mouth. The way I would do it was through my saliva(Gross, yah?)which I would transmogrify into the same base compound the ground in Hueco Mundo was made of, allowing me to-

Ah, screw it! All you need to know is it won't harm Yuji!

"Fire!" I(Somehow-) yelled with a mouthful of venom that I then spewed out of my mouth towards the two. The effects were almost immediate, as Andreza's eyes widened and he started to cough when he inhaled some of it. Yuji, well...

It didn't hurt too much.

I appeared in front of Andreza, kicked him, which in turn threw him out of my smog, grabbed Yuji, and hijacked it out of there. Might as well not let him die too, while I'm at it. "You good to go?" I asked as Yuji nodded, making sure nothing got into orifices by covering them all. "Good, so you won't mind if I do this-" I said as I picked Yuji up and started spinning in circles. "Wait, what are you-" Yuji's eyes widened as realization hit. "Técnica secreta : Lanza odf los Muertos!" I yelled as I threw Yuji at the still recovering Andreza, causing them to bowl into each other and sending them out into the distance.

Like I said- I hate fighting(Seriously- if the other Hollows knew, I'd be fired!).

"BOOM!" Speak of the devil, and she shall make my life hell. I looked over to my left to see a massive fire obstructing the view of what used to be the biggest skyscraper in Kyoto. Used to being the keyword here.

A shame. I really liked coming here at night and standing on that High-Rise while pretending I was Batman, with the city not deserving the hero, me.

Hearing wind whistle, however, broke me of my thoughts and made me look up to the noise, finally seeing the one who caused the fire falling in my direction, a grin on their face.

Now- I had one of two options.

Either get out of the way of the obviously psychotic lady who was about to drop right on my face and more than likely cause bodily harm to me in the process from the seven hundred or so feet we were above the ground, or not side-step her, and get the only possible female contact I would get in this century.

The choice was obvious.

"Thanks for breaking my fall!" She giggled crazily as she got off my chest and dusted herself off inside the 20 foot deep crater the impact had made. She had medium length blue hair that reached the middle of her back, with some framing her face, and the rest covered by the elk skull that was her Hollow remnant on the top of her was about 5'7, and wore what appeared to be a private school uniform, decked out in a fancy, dark blue upper body suit that flowed into a similarly colored skirt that barely reached mid-thigh, with pale small, blue roses acting like the buttons, holding the suit closed. Under she appeared to have a white button-up dress shirt with a yellow tie around the neck, barely visible at the top of the suit. Right where the tie ended, the collar ended, and to the side of the collar, she had what appeared to be a silver badge, but of what, I had no clue On her legs, she had the same colored leggings, with yellow bands around the lower thigh, and around the upper shin, she wore a silver leg bracelets, which were right where her boots ended as well. Right in the place of her lumbar, she had a sheath attached for her sword. The sheath itself looked as if it was made of blue yarn- with pieces of it cascading down to her feet- two pieces in particular went to just above her knees and held onto what appeared to be a 3D orange diamond inside a white, spherical cage. The sword itself, seemed to be lodged inside my gullet. But still...

I, for the life of me, couldn't get the shit eating grin off my face from the view I had just been given. Screw if I was stabbed in the kidney by her katana- it was worth it!

"So- what brings you into the neighborhood?" I asked as I stood and ripped her sword out of me. Did I mention the end was serrated? Probably not- as I just figured out myself when my kidney went with the sword because it got caught on the serrated edges. Man, I'd be down so many organs if I didn't have these amazing regenerative powers.

A lung, two kidneys, my frontal lobe, pituitary gland, esophagus, small intestine, BIG intestine, anus(Cue shudder-), thyroid gland(Strangely, same time I would have lost my anus… don't ask-), my cerebral cortex, inner chamber of the heart, left testicle-

Ah, and here comes the reason for most of those reasons now.

Fluffy(Affectionately named after former Espada 'Afro' when she was still under the reign of him, it was her nickname to him that she eventually gave to this thing-) was a walking definition of the word "Irony". A giant heap of a monstrosity, it was the bane of most of the Fraccion 10's existences(Mine included-) when it was still there. It was massive, about 15 feet tall, and at least 20 lengthwise, with no fur what to speak of. Just white bone everywhere. He also had a big tail that he constantly uses(Not sure if it's accidental or not- it still hurts either way.) to knock people aside when it runs past them. It's head wasn't directly attached to its body, either, which made it look like a bone helmet. It should be noted, that lobbing it off won't kill it(I know- I've tried.), making it nearly immortal until it dies from old age.

If that was possible, anyway.

"Oh, you know- making a bonfire. The usual." She shrugged as she started juggling a couple of fireballs she made from her Reiatsu in her hands while watching the giant tower before us slowly crumble down with a glint in her eye, watching as it destroyed nearby buildings with the burnt I mention this was all slowly turning me on? Do I get off on lunatic pyromancers? No-

But damn if I didn't get a wiggle from a girl even half as crazy as me!

"Right- isn't that bad for that, "Global Warming" thing those hoomahns keep going on and on about?" I asked her as she hummed and threw the fireballs she was man-handling up into the air, only to have Fluffy start using them for target practice by slapping them with his tail into other buildings, causing explosions and even the faint girly scream to be heard throughout the town(Huh, could have sworn they hit a men's only sports club where that last girly scream came from-).

"Why should we care- we're Hollows." She made valid points- but still! I must persist. "Well, without hoo-mahns, where would all our food come from?" "We mainly eat Hollows, or the rare Shinigami anyway." That- was a good point. "But, the Hollows are made from Pluses of those same-" "Reincarnation- ever heard of it? It's where the dead are resurrected into new bodies, which will eventually turn back into food for us." I… have nothing. Well, if she's as crazy as me, then logic wouldn't work- and I had to stop her from killing the hoomahns, so it was time for some UNlogic!

"... You keep that up, Fluffy will die of cancer-" "NO- FLUFFY!" She screamed as she started to run around in panic(Hell, Fluffy even started to join her.) before jumping on Fluffy(Yes- because when something is about to die from a terminal illness, you immediately jump on it and demand it to take you places. Brilliant.) and rode off towards the Base that allowed entrance to Hueco Mundo. Sighing that the only female contact I'd have in a while was gone, I started to ascend to the sky, until I reached the same height my phone(Still that weird object-) was.

I turned back around to my phone and started walking back to it. Still early- more time to kill I suppose. I snapped the object back into its phone shape as I went back to looking for a fight to watch(And hopefully not become a part of, this time-) that wouldn't bore me to death. Sadly, no fights fit the description except one, but one of the fighters had disabled spectating.

Hated when they do that.

You see- the way we are able to spectate the way we do, is through a set series of cameras strewn about the worlds, set there by the three entities. Anywhere, fights will be recorded, so that they may be shown to any who wants to see. However, some people were outraged by this(Mostly the same Race Killers that used to be everywhere-) so it was decided that if wanted, the fight could be censored to those wanting to watch, so it looked like I was screwed out of a watching an intriguing fight.

It also looked like I was a massive dumb ass, too, didn't it?

Unlike the latter, luckily, the former was fixable.

Just to make sure no Race Killings take place without our knowing, every Peacekeeper is allowed to spectate on ANY fight they so choose- under the terms that they are not allowed to abuse this to find and snipe other Spirits who are battling it out. Was I really going to use this sacred power just to sate my own boredom, though?

You know the answer better than I do by now.

Charging some Reishi into my left hand, I placed my phone in the hand, making the phone click twice, before a hidden app that wasn't on my phone before appeared on the screen, under the name of "Peacekeeper's Piece". It allowed me to watch any fight I could and would want to watch.

And I was about to abuse the crap out of it.

 **FIGHT NOT FOUND!**

… Or not. Checking again, it still showed the people- wait, no- person, was still fighting. But that can't be- as I am allowed to watch anyone fight! There is no one(Not even the three great bodies!) who can escape the capture of these cameras! Unless… They were destroyed beforehand. But- those that do that are always punished(Usually with termination- just to make it extremely threatening to do so.), so who would be stupid enough to do that? No one I knew of, obviously. So… A new entity, maybe? But if that were true- then they would have to be extremely powerful, as even the current Espada would have trouble destroying those things! So-

This was bad.

"Resume, Matanza Maxima!"

Very bad.

Sonidoing towards where I heard the cry, it came from an alley between two buildings. I already knew who one of them was- Wasshyl(Jwash as everyone calls him.). Crude kind of guy- below average height, about 5'6, caramel skin with dreadlocks covering his eyes. White hakama pants stuffed into white boots, white vest over an equally white hoody with the hood perpetually over his head, blocking out the rest his dreadlocks did not cover. All-in-all, guy likes white.

I can respect that- I'm white after all.

But it appeared he was in his Resurreccion state, which, quite frankly, was about as smart as one of the 4th Espada's bag of potatoes(Which was actually a fairly impressive feat for a creature such as him- those potatoes are freakishly smart for vegetables, in fact, our scientists have proven that they were capable of intelligent thought! Sure, the thoughts were nothing impressive, like 'Spud', or 'French Fry'- but still! A potato thinking! Have to give the guy some credit- he raises a mean potato.) and abou as social as a brick wall(That is to say, it will listen, but it won't say anything or give three flying fucks if you were maimed right in front of it, then had your grandkids eaten by some horrific monster. It will just continue on being a brick wall(But in this case, instead of standing there, he will go out and murdalize all who oppose him.).).

He's just that devolved.

He looked like a regular Hollow- just white(Ironic, ain't it kids?) and exceptionally taller than a regualr Hollow- maybe even bigger than a Gillian! And his skull looked like a cross between a human and a reptile, with narrow, beady yellow eyes and sharp fangs. He wore ripped black hakama pants that stopped short at his upper thigh, barely covering his unmentionables(Do we even have those? Yes- yes we do. I checked- had to use a magnifying glass, but still.). The only other mentionable thing about him, was his tail, that stretched as far as his body was tall, tipped red(Is it blood? I like to think it's ketchup in case he ever goes to Fraccion 4 for some fries-). Really, I don't like his released form- stupid, brute, and instinctive.

But he wasn't alone, as the ones who forced him to release were at the end of the alley as well. Sadly, I couldn't see what they looked like as he darkness kept them all covered(I just knew Jwash's release from memory.), I could see, however, outlines, and there were three of them, all looking particularly feminine.

Would a sudden catfight be too much to ask for?

Apparently, it wasn't, as I couldn't quite hear what was being said, but pretty soon, two of the women- the biggest boobed one(D-cup? Hell yeah! My favorite letter!) and the smallest boobed one(A-cups? Eh- boobs had to start somewhere, no?) started to get into a heated argument that would have evolved into scratching and kicking, I'm sure, had the third one not stopped them(I already immediately dislike the third one.) from continuing, and apparently sent them out to deal with Jwash.

Sadly, an alleyway was not the best of places for jwash in a fight, as he only uses claws and… Tentacles(Because what would a story based around the Japanese be without tentacles?!), and in such a closed space, he couldn't maneuver like he normally would. Those three must have cornered him and made sure he couldn't escape, just so that he would release and have an even harder time.

Question is- how do they know how he fights? Obvious answer would be through stalking, and spectating enough of his fights to know how well he works in some environments better than others. They get points for dedication- and I'll personally cash in those points for them. Towhat? Why, to an ass beating of a lifetime!

Looking down, I saw the three mystery women shooting out Cero after Cero at Jwash, who shrugged off most of them in favor of speeding towards the three. They all seemed surprised he was able to do that, so they didn't put up a defense to the sudden swipe Jwash made with his hand, sending them all flying back. Sadly, they all got up almost immediately and went back into the fray. They dodged a lunge from him by jumping over him, and all three proceeded to stab their swords into his back, then almost as soon, retrieved their blades and made a hasty retreat, right as three tentacles(Yeah- cliche, I know. Three women and a whole bunch of tentacles.) came and stabbed into his back, right where they were before.

I facepalmed. An intelligent potato was still a potato.

Anyway, The tentacles retracted, and soon followed after where the girl stood. Terrible mistake, as they were prepared for that, and cut off all three of his tentacles, causing him to roar in pain as they fell to the ground in a shower of blood, wiggling all the while- trying to receive commands from a source that just wasn't there anymore(Was it even there in the first place? I had to ponder-). The girls looked at each other, nodded, and rushed forward, screaming something along the lines of "Tea-sama!" Or something of another- I couldn't hear properly.

It would appear, though, that their knowledge on him was limited, as they all seemed to yell in surprise as another tentacle popped out of his lower back, and smacked them all away.

My mind was still on what they said- they were talking of someone of a higher importance than them, that much was clear. As Jwash regrew his tentacles and proceeded to try and play 'Whack-a-Mole' with the women, I pondered this discovery.

I knew not of anyone called 'Tea' or anything even remotely close to the name around here- Hueco Mundo or otherwise. So who was this 'Tea' or whatever they were truly called? Were they anywhere near to where I was relatively located? Were they also a girl? Would they go out with me?

Did they want to Tea and Chill?

So many questions that needed to be answered!

But seeing as how I could feel a presence above me, that just about answered question number two…

Now for some more answers.

"Do you want to Tea and Chill?!" I yelled up at the person. A cero directed in my direction was my answer, completely destroying the building I was previously standing on.

Of course they didn't want to Tea and Chill.

 **Hey guys, I'm back. Not dead(yet-) it seems. Now, regarding my other story(You know- for those who HAVE read it and liked it?), I am not sure when I'll post another chapter(The one thing that had all my chapters in it broke- so lost all that.), but I know how it feels to read a story that you really like, only to have it abandoned. I don't wan that to happen! So I will try to get that going as soon as possible! Ja Ne~**


	2. Blankity Blank Blank, or something

**Hi! Once again, I don't own Bleach or WoB(Still don' know who owns that, either-) so I own nothing but my own character... and some things I made up- but that's it, I promise! Also, viewer discretion is advised. But other than that, enjoy the new chapter!**

Invincible…

Didn't even begin to illustrate how intoxicating this power I felt right now was.

It was like a junky just sold me his entire stash of LSD, meth, heroin, ecstasy, and cocaine, introduced me to his steroid jockey friend who sold me HIS entire stash of performance enhancing drugs and illegal protein shakes, and then used them all in one fell swoop.

Times one million.

Ever since that little "Scuffle" with those people, I have just been standing, suspended in the middle of the air, reveling in this Reiatsu that I most certainly would have not claimed as my own had I not battled the mysterious figure from before.

Funny how getting your ass kicked can do that.

But the power increase- it was, it was, enormous! Me at full power before couldn't even come close to what I feel like currently- at rest!

Was this the power of he could offer me? It was enormous! And if I was this strong now- I couldn't even begin to fathom what that guy would be like once all was said and done. That, quite honestly, scared me a bit, but considering what he did for me, I didn't think I would have to worry about him coming after me again. Least of all before he even began to power himself up as well!

I suppose I should regale you viewers with my story- after all, it was a riveting battle to be old of, afterall!

Too bad I don't like you all quite that much.

Or at all, actually-

Anyway, I wanted to test out this new-found strength, but in order to do so, I needed a guinea pig.

 ***BOOM*** "Man, was hoping that one didn't miss!"

… A wolfy works too, though.

Inazuma was a Lieutenant of Soul Society, having his badge over his right arm like most other Lieutenants, standing about 6 feet with short black hair and a scraggly beard. He had on a black t-shirt under a sleeveless haori with some clan I didn't know the name of's symbol on the back, black hakama pants with the same symbol on the back of them(I was gonna kick his ass especially hard for making me look at said ass-), and wooden geta sandals on his feet. His Zanpakuto seemed to be active at that point, as on his head were two grey wolf ears and out of his tailbone was a similarly colored tail. His sword was transformed into four separate claws on each hand(He resembled more Wolverine than any wolf I've ever seen- just saying.).

He was attacking what I had to guess as Julia(Damn it- once Zangetsu gets word of this, there won't be any ass left for me to kick after he mounts it all on his mantle!), which wasn't good as the power difference between them was fairly substantial still, even after all those training sessions with Zangetsu(Which I am fairly sure they spent just having hot, passionate sex- which pisses me off more as he gets to pass off sex as training while I have to suffer through teaching all those obnoxious Arrancars how to hold a fucking sword damn it!).

Julia had already released a long time ago(Latigazo I think her release was called-) and was fighting as hard as she could to at least buy time for someone to come help her.

She was lucky I am such a gentlemen(HA!).

In her release state, she was about 5'10, with curly mid-length brown hair going down to her upper back, tan skin, a black eye patch running over her right eye(Covering her Hollow Hole, if I'm not mistaken-), with a white bucket hat(Her Hollow remnant-) on her head, resembling those western cowboy hats that were such a hit when I used to be alive because of those famous American actors starring in western films. She had on a black sleeveless black vest over a long sleeved red and white flannel shirt, with a badge of some sort being pinned to the vest at her chest(Rhyming? I'm a Hollow- I don't have enough education to be able to perform literary techniques like that or repetition.). She had on hip hugging blue jeans as well, that flowed down into high-heeled brown boots fit for a cowboy as well.

They had spurs for god's sake- she even had chaps worn over her jeans damn it! She was a cowgirl!

Her form of weaponry was a bullwhip(You know- the kind that is primarily used for BDSM shit after the riding crop? Makes you rethink who the dominant one in the bedroom is after you see her use it-) that was currently trying to get around Inazuma's neck to strangle him.

No working out very well, as you can imagine.

"Masacre de la Motosierra!" Julia yelled as she cracked her whip upwards, making it ramrod straight as five spikes shot out of it, one at the very tip, with the four others appearing at each side. They then started to furiously spin around the whup, making it into a makeshift chain-saw as she cracked the whip in Inazuma's direction.

Instead of trying to avoid it, however, he just closed his eyes. Ah hell, I hate his technique-

"Lobo Aullido Penetrante!" He yelled as he snapped his eyes open and released, to most, the most terrifying howl they had ever heard in their life.

To me, it sounded like an annoying chihuahua barking at my feet because I had on bunny slippers.

It did its job, though, as Julia's whip stopped dead in its tracks, as if it hit a wall, before flying back at more than twice the speed, over her head, which caused her to let it go from being unprepared as it went flying over the city too. But she didn't have time to dwell on what happened, as she too was sent flying shortly after as well. Luckily for her, I was there and I caught her waist with one hand while the other was stuffed in my pants pocket.

I give him a 3/10 on that launch.

No 1337 enough.

"Of course- right when I think it's over, it's not." Inazuma sighed as he scratched at his beard, apparently forgetting he had claws at the moment, and soon had four cuts going across his chin, with four equally comical straight lines of blood flowing out of each of them.

He apparently was used to this and just kept scratching at it.

"Get out of here, find your sword, and go back to Hueco Mundo. I'll handle him." I told Julia as I set her down and tried to crane my neck to the side to crack it-

Only to have it go a little too far and get stuck there. Fuck me.

As I tried to pry my neck back the other way by forcing it into its correct position, I could see Julia from my peripherals start to sweat and gulp. I wonder why- oh, yeah.

It was known throughout Hueco Mundo(And even Soul Society… don't know how, though-) that I wasn't exactly the most… _reliable_ Hollow. That wasn't to say I was heartless(Well, I was a Hollow, so I guess I really DID have no heart- but that's beside the point.) or evil in any way, it just says I'm fairly weak compared to some individuals and not the best under pressure. And when you take into account fights between me and Inazuma don't much end in my victory, well, it was no surprise she was worried.

Now whether she was worried over me or herself was up to debate.

My money was on the latter.

"Just go." I grunted as I gave one last push on my neck- "Fuck!" Damn it! Now my neck was craned to the other side! "Hey, a little help over her-" Inazuma took that moment to appear next to me and swing his leg on the opposite direction my head was tilted. Though his eyes widened when the kick did nothing more then reset my head into its rightful position. "Huh. Thanks!" I told him as I grabbed his leg and threw him onto a building's roof to the left of me. I got there just as he lifted his head, which I proceeded to drop kick into the building, causing the whole foundation to wobble from the strength of it.

"I'll give you one chance, Inazuma, just because you're a fellow Peacekeeper." I told him as I turned my back and started walking further up into the sky. "Release your Bankai now, or I won't be giving you the chance to at any other point in this fight." I turned around again once I was at an appropriate height and looked down at Inazuma, who was standing on the roof, staring blankly at the sky, or more specifically, the full moon that was in the sky(Had I forgotten it was already night time? No, I just wanted a challenge. And what better way to do that then fight a wolf in the dark?). He slowly looked over to me(I suddenly got the feeling that the one girl from Paranormal activity who got possessed was looking dead at me-), then back to the sky, before seeming to come to a decision.

He raised both arms swiftly skyward. "Ban-kai." He said as he slashed across both sides of his face with his claws. "Holy shit!" I screamed as I watched on. That was fucking new! Was it because of the full moon out on display, or was he just that confident in his abilities that he thought he could beat me blinded?! "Hombre Lobo sagrado de Sacrificio." He whispered(How was I able to hear that from here- damn physics breaking abilities!) as the blood suddenly came spurting out of his wounds. But the thing that had me morbidly amused was the fact that the blood soon began to circle around him before cocooning him inside a blood sphere. Why was I amused as well?

Because the blood soon transformed into grey fur and still encompassed him, making him into a giant furball.

Seriously- he looked like a baby mouse in that thing!

I don't know what was going on though- he never did this when he went Bankai on me before. Though if his Bankai stays true- just powered up- then I wouldn't like what I see.

The fur soon retracted, however, and showed the beast he had become. He was much taller- about three and a half feet taller, which meant he would be towering over me now. He was covered in grey fur everywhere- no place was untouched by it. He stood on haunches now, a snout, black beady eyes, fuzzy ears and tail- he was a walking stereotype of a werewolf. The only weapons he appeared to have were the claws on his hands and feet. Way more intimidating than him standing at the same height with fuzz all over his body. He growled before he released a piercing howl that broke the glass surrounding us.

Which included my lenses that then poked into my eyes.

Ouch.

Right after I took them off and gouged out both my eyes to be replaced by new ones(If I had an ice-cream scoop handy, it would have gone far smoother-), Inazuma then decided to communicate with me.

" **Grrrrrrrr- GRAH!** " Or tried to at least. I didn't know what he was saying as I was not the dog whisperer-

Did I look Mexican to you?

Oh, yeah- you don't know what I look like(Ha Ha!). Oh well.

Inazuma just kept grunting and barking at me, and I just got sick of it. "Oi! Fuck-face! We live in Japan, so start speaking English like everyone else!" I yelled at him through cupped hands. He didn't seem to like that, as he growled and then slammed his paw directly into my face(Was that Shunpo or natural speed?!) sending me flying across the city. "Gross, I had my mouth open! Now I have fur on my tongue!" I screamed as I tried to get the fur off my tongue- it tasted like how wet dog smells!

There wasn't even a body of water nearby!

"Now you've pissed me off, pooch!" I told him as I slapped my cheeks in preparation to get pumped for the fight. Then I punched my left cheek to really get pumped.

Can never be too pumped, folks.

I roared as I met him head on when he tried to punch me, grabbing his hand. He wasn't expecting this it seemed, as he didn't block my counter punch to his chest(I couldn't reach his head to hit him in the snout like I had planned, to make it seem like I was disciplining him like a bad puppy. Would have been hilarious though-). I, however, wasn't expecting his fur to act like spikes and offset my punch(They didn't pierce my hand- my Hierro was too strong!) enough to where he could claw at my face. I brought up my left arm though to block.

Which ended up making it a stump(I really needed to learn not to turn off my Hierro at the worst of times-).

God damn Shinigami- what did Favorite Fucking Left Arm ever do to any of you?!

I used the blood flowing from my arm to blind the bastard, and, while blinded, I used the time to regenerate enough of my arm to get some of the bone back, but stopped it to where the radius was nice and sharp, then used it to stab him in where(I think-) his kidney was. He roared in pain as he swiped randomly about, still blinded.

That had to hurt a skele-ton.

… I blame video games for the awful jokes I tell.

I jumped back and regrew the rest of my arm as he finally got the blood out of his eye. I then appeared behind him and feinted an uppercut that was supposed to go into a knee jab to his stomach(Though, doing the math now, it would have instead gone to his groin with his add on in height.), but for some reason, he did not try to block, which ended up with me uppercutting into the lower thoracic region of his vertebra. I was too shocked at why he would not dodge an attack that dangerous to his entire body to dodge his tail swipe that swept me into an office in a building to my right.

That attack was very deadly- if I had been putting more momentum into that uppercut instead of my knee, he would be very much dead right now from breaking his lower thoracic vertebral column(Hell- even from here I could see he was hunching down and in obvious pain coming from his back-), which would in turn break his upper lumbar column, which would have the domino effect of eventually leaving his entire spinal cord useless.

So why didn't he dodge? Why hadn't his fur protected him from my attack like last time? Hell, why didn't he have his tail swipe me away like I had thought he would do? Was the moon covered up, giving him an added weakness? Checking my memory, the light around us never diminished, so the moon couldn't have been covered up. Was it not him that surprised me, but- myself? I mean- I knew I was faster, stronger, all around _better_ than I was before(But looking at me before, that wasn't saying much.), but did I grow so much faster than him and his heightened senses that I could catch him off guard with my speed? But, that didn't take into account the fact that his fur should have stopped me like it did last time I tried attacking him. Unless…

My power was still growing?

" **Gisei Hauringuhariken.** " Huh. So he can speak. But it wasn't in English, so my Japanese heritage couldn't understand what he sai- and he ripped off his arm. Super. But as the blood flowed down the sky, it started to circulate like it did last time. I don't think it would be protecting anyone this time though, so I decided to do that specific job for it(Testing my limits or not- I still had a job as Peacekeeper to do, and even if no one was in the building, I still had to stop it in case someone was. Troublesome.). I threw off the desk that had fallen on top of me and removed the staple that was stapled to my head in the crash and rushed to the edge of the office to the window.

"Holy, hell that is a lot of blood." I muttered to myself as the blood hurricane came ever closer to my position. I held my hand out, but decided against a defensive technique this time. "Cruz del Cortador!" I whispered as I held both my arms in an 'X' position, then appeared behind Inazuma with them dramatically at my side, as if I had swung them(I like theatrics, sue me.). After I did that, the hurricane dissipated after it was cut into fours from what looked like a cross cut, with Inazuma soon having a similar shaped wound running across his entire chest, blood spurting forth out of it.

… Perhaps it was time I cut my nails- 90 years is a long time to not cut your nails.

Inazuma growled as his fur shook, before his cut and even his arm repaired themselves. He also had regeneration? I blocked his swipe with my forearm as I grinned. Time to see how good it was! I jabbed my hand into his stomach(Yep- I was definitely still growing in power if my half-hearted jab was enough to pierce his defenses.) and brought out a souvenir from it's expedition.

"Ooooooh- a liver! I think I will keep you. I'll name you George and love you and hug you and- Gah!" I grunted as he slammed his paw into my face, sending me spinning face first into the same building from before. He took his liver and shoved it back into his stomach with a wince. No!

George!

I removed the staple from my cheek as I appeared and kicked him in the head, hearing a sickening crack as I did so. Really needed to watch my newfound strength.

" **Why can't I sense you?** " Ah, so the beast speaks! "So, finally decide to talk, eh furball?" I asked him as I grabbed the hand that tried to punch me as he materialized in front of me. " **Every time you get out of my sight, I lose track of you, and then you appear randomly to attack me. It doesn't make SENSE!** " He growled as he tried to punch me with the other hand, only for me to grab that one too. "I have no idea what you're talking about." A white lie. I vaguely remember the figure telling me something about this, but I don't believe they touched on it too much. " **Don't lie to me- I can smell when you are!** " Wait, was he serious? How can you smell when someone is lying? His tail came up when I was pondering that and smacked right dab into my crotch, making my eyes widen.

He was so lucky I had the time to put up my hierro, or else he would be needing a pair of the things he was trying to break soon after that.

He then uppercutted my chin causing me to be thrown upwards, where he then proceeded to heel drop me down towards the same building that kept taking my body like a trooper, causing it to finally crumble from the pressure, dust flying everywhere. I would have just popped out normally to continue this fight, but what he was talking about had me intrigued, so I created a single ball of Reishi that would act as a decoy while I sprinted to behind a nearby building to its right. Will this work?

The ball of energy then burst outward, blowing the dust away as it went straight up towards Inazuma, who then dodged and quickly shunpoed to where the energy came from. So, he really couldn't sense my energy, could he? A shame- as his Bankai relied on finding the Reiatsu of an individual, and using the enhanced senses his transformation gave to catch the opponent off guard and made sure he himself was never caught off guard. But him not being able to sense me made him akin to a shark out of water fighting Jackie-chan… Albeit, a fairly hairy shark and a dashingly handsome Jackie-chan, but still!

Right when he go to the scene and figured out I was not really there, I appeared behind him and stabbed him right next to his Jugular, letting him know that if I had really wished it to be, he would be dead right now. Then as he fell to his knees, I elbowed his temple, knocking him out and sending him back to Soul Society.

Tch. Looked like I would have to find someone who wouldn't be handicapped to test myself.

Looking over in the distance, I could see a massive tree had sprouted on the outskirts of town. So it would seem Kol had captured somebody- more than likely a Hollow as he never went all out on a fellow Shinigami, and considering almost everyone else was asleep at this point, I was inclined to believe it was Julia he had captured.

Fuck my life I was tired.

Getting to the scene, it appeared that the giant tree twisted to wrap around itself to keep whoever was inside trapped there. Knocking on the bark confirmed that it was harder than steel too. Bringing my hand back, I punched the tree, causing a portion of it to cave in on itself, allowing me to push it away and enter myself.

Too bad my muscles weren't harder than steel though, as I had to fix my broken, bruised, bleeding hand after that stint.

Inside was hell. At least, I thought it was with all the _god damn fire_ everywhere. Made it hard to see everything, but the it seemed there was one supporting structure holding everything up wih interlayered branches coming off it at random intervals. So it was karrie- close to Julia… if you closed your eyes and ignored the pyromaniac nature and tendency to act like a released psycho ward patient every living second of her life. But other than that, it was totally close. Looking around confirmed that Fluffy was nowhere in sight(There was a God- and he/she _did_ like me!), but what was karrie doing out without him? She never went out without him(And he was too stubborn to just keel over and die- too much to even pretend to do so.), so where was he? Ah well- not like I cared about him. If it was only karrie in here, I could just leave- she could handle herself(All psychotic people can!).

"Bunki ki Baindo!" I looked up to see the tree around us mold outward, capturing karrie, binding her on one of the higher branches. Okay, maybe I did need to stay. I sighed as I started branch hopping to go get her free- "Mokuzai Sakusei gyakusatsu!" Ah, fish paste- he noticed me. I smacked a random tentacle away from my face(God damn it- these hentai heathens won't stop tormenting me!) as more wooden constructs came out to try and stop me.

I can say I dodged a pair of heels, an apple, a bicycle, three midgets in a clown car, I DIDN'T dodge the panties(Worth it-), a pop tart, a frying pan, a microwave, a house, and a gremlin today- all made out of wood- before I reached the top branch where the two were at.

I panted as I stood on the topmost branch this construct had as pieces of burning wood fell behind me before I took in the sight in front of me. Karrie was covered head to toe in wood, with only her eyes uncovered, which were glaring at Kol(More than likely for stopping her fire spree- hey! The tingle is back!).

Kol was in a regular Shinigami uniform, with a badge over his left bicep, signifying Lieutenancy. He stood around 5'8 and had short brown hair with two long bangs framing his face, which was covered in war paint(Large, hollow circle on his forehead with a dot in the middle, covered his eye sockets as well as had half a butterfly's side going directly down his face, symmetrical on each side.) with his zanpakuto transformed into a wakizashi made of the same wooden material everything else was made from. Kol's eyes widened as he saw me before he narrowed them. "Hado Number 32: Okasen!" He firmly spoke as he swiped his hand in front of him, firing a yellow arc of light at me. I, for the life of me, just wanted to go to bed after the day I just had, so I just rushed into the beam, it doing nothing to me as Kol's eyes widened before I got in front of him.

"Giro Desgarrador." I grabbed his left arm(Might be his Favorite Fucking Arm- it was 50/50 chances for me at this point.), stomped on his right foot, and pulled his arm up over my shoulder-

 ***SQUISH***

"GAH!" Oops- only meant to dislocate his arm.

I _really_ need to watch my strength.

I quickly kneed his face, knocking him unconscious and sending him back to Soul Society. I'm sure they could fix him up. Even if his arm was still on the ground, writhing in the same agony its owner was still in.

… They had good healers-

Soon enough, I found myself outside the giant tree(It would wither soon enough without its masters Reiatsu to feed it- and the town would have more firewood then it knew what to do with! I'm such a good guy!) holding karrie piggy-back style(She was used to riding on things, and I just wanted to go home- it was a win-win situation.) as I walked back to Hueco Mundo.

"So- what were you doing in the neighborhood?" It wasn't me who asked that surprisingly(Or not- I was tired and wanted to get home.) and I didn't know how to respond. "I could ask you the same thing, it's fairly late outside." I turned to her with one eye closed. "Me? I was just walking by earlier when I saw Julia had been cornered by the guy back there, and decided to save her butt- so she owes me one, you know?" She giggled(Seemingly at the possibilities of what she could get for this-) insanely. I grunted. "Though, I had just gotten through with training, so I sent her back with Fluffy while I tried to beat him- then so many plants appeared and I lost myself in the beauty of everything. Which I proceeded to set on fire and make even MORE beautiful." She cackled. I grunted. "Then I got rapped, he seemed to sense something was wrong and started making things out of wood- and viola! You appeared to save me! My hero~" She laughed psychotically. I grunted. "So- what were you doing there this late at night?" The whispering in my ear normally caught me off guard. I grunted. "Finishing the fight I started to save her ass the first time." I told her honestly.

"Ho? You were just in a fight, this late at night, and you still came to save me from him? My, my- someone is after a reward!" I didn't have the energy to tell her I actually thought it was Julia who was trapped and was going to leave after I saw it wasn't her as we finally entered Hueco Mundo- "Well, I pay my bills when they are due, good sir, and this is no different!" I had no fucking clue what she was talking about at this point as we made it to Fraccion 2's Barracks. "We're here." I grunted as she got off. I have been doing that a lot in the last two paragraphs, haven't I? "Before you go- here's your reward!" I didn't like the way she said that-

But I was morbidly surprised when she shoved her tongue down my throat. Didn't expect that- "Don't go finding yourself in any more trouble now, you here?" She cheerfully told me after the kiss was done, walking back into her Barracks humming a peachy tune. I didn't know how to respond to that.

I grunted.

Why break tradition?

I woke up in my bed with my Espada bending over me, hair cascading over my face. For a second I thought I had walked into the wrong room to go to sleep in, but a side check to the wall confirmed it was mine.

Why?

It had a calendar of how long it had been since I was in the potato hell on it.

Looking back up, she was still there. The hell was she here for then? She apparently read minds as she answered me. "You seemed down. So I came here to cheer you up!" She smiled and closed her eyes. Oh yeah, I sometimes forget she is just about the most purest being you'll ever find(I don't think she even knows what the meaning of the words 'Kill', 'Slaughter', 'Maim', or 'Taxes'.).

Pale, for one thing, abou 5'11, had long blonde hair that reached her ankles, a long white dress that also reached her ankles, with sleeves long enough to cover her hands with, and white sandals. She also had the widest, bluest eyes(That's a book now that I think of it- don't read it.) I had ever seen.

All-in-all, the purest creature you had ever seen.

At least off the battlefield-

Ever see a guy's head get shoved up his friend's anus as he simultaneously gets some other guy's head shoved up HIS ass- after they were all force fed chipotle?

'Humancentipede' she called 's a reason I left the Fraccion in the first place-

And to find out that same person was standing above me while I slept?

I'm not afraid to say I peed myself a little bit.

"Uh, there's no need to do that, Oracion- I'm not really feeling down." I kind of was, actually, but she didn't need to know that. Her eyes narrowed. "Do I need to get the liar stick out, again?" NO! "NO! Uh, I mean- it's not necessary! I am perfectly fine!" I started to sweat. You don't want to know what she does with the liar stick.

… She does exactly what you think she does with it.

"So I make you feel better, than?" She asked cutely with her eyes closed, smile on her face. Damn minx- "Yes, fine." I sighed as she whooped, got off me, and started bouncing up and down on the floor, before she grabbed my leg and dragged me off to the Hoomahn World, me staring blankly at the sky as she did so.

Gotta love these Gigai I made- durable and almost as authentic as the real thing.

Her 'Cheering Up' routine consisted of her taking one to go shopping all day, with said person buying all the outfits she wants as she goes store to store. Does that cheer one up? No- it just makes you more depressed if anything.

But with the way she carries herself- her aura, eventually, you can't help but start to feel better.

It was working on me, too, as we returned to the Fraccion 10 Barracks, a small smile on my face as I carried all her boxes and bags while she skipped in front of me, humming a joyful tune, smile on her face. Sure, my wallet might be empty for a while(Read:A year or so-), but hanging out with the Espada never got old or crisp- never being the same. I really was having a good time, forgetting my troubles-

Until we passed Afro's room.

Rude, if I had to describe him in one word. He was the Espada before Oracion, but he lost his seat when he went off on a 'Training' trip for a couple months. I am skeptical to call it training, as no one knows where he went, and there were multiple cases of unknown homicide when he went missing, but mysteriously reappeared when me and the other Peacekeepers brought an end to the killings of hoomahns to produce more soldiers. Could I fault him for following orders? No- but when we received a list of all known perpetrators, he was not on that list.

And something tells me he wasn't doing it for the sake of our race.

Afro's attire consists of a 'Number Two' headband, he also wears a white japanese folding shirt, and dark brown baggy pants with heavily frayed hems by the ankles. He wears a pair of japanese geta and had his sword strapped to his waist. He himself was black(Not gonna say 'African American' as that makes me sound more racist than if I had said black-), about 6 foot, and had a black, graying afro on his head(What did you think he was gonna have for hair- a perm?). He also seemed o be perpetually smoking a cigar, too(Never seen him without one-).

He apparently had a run-in with Suoh. How do I know? Because of the type of insults he was sending my way. Yes, he insults me enough for me to be able to decipher what he was doing before he started on his tirade. Neat trick, huh? Though I must applaud him on the fact no insult is ever the same- he always comes up with new ones, seemingly on the fly, to keep up with our current situations. But I have still heard them all- being unpopular in both life and unlife will make you desensitized to insults(Except the one where you insult someone's weight- that one always hurts. Good thing I can't be called a 'Fatty Fatty Goombulattee' though-). So I just stood there, taking insult after insult(Huh. 'It's typical for me to masturbate and envision you suffering.' is a new one-), holding all the bags and boxes. Typical day, pretty much. That wasn't what ruined my mood-

It wasn't even when he spat on my face(Not the first time he's put DNA on my face. I say DNA because he has put other forms of liquid on my face before, though that kind of stopped after a threat from my old Espada about 'Taking what makes you a man'.). It was when Oracion stepped in that my mood soured.

It wasn't that I didn't like her standing up for me(Actually, I didn't, but that's a topic for later-), but it was the fact that after she tried to help his target shifted. I couldn't stand to watch a friend get insulted in front of me(Far away? In the distance? I didn't care-). Especially when it was a woman-

No matter how much said woman made me want to run away screaming in the opposite direction as I hold my butthole!

"Oi, Shampoo-" I told him as I dropped the bags to the ground as I walked up to him, taking a jab at his favorite Manga, which seemed to piss him off as he scowled and turned to me. "You got beef? Cut it for me- not her!" I scowled and pointed at Oracion who was directly behind him. He sneered as he puffed smoke in my face. "Make me, punk." He suddenly turned and was about to slap oracion, but I appeared in front of him and held his hand in place. "Don't you dare touch one of my friends, L'oreal-" I told him. "Because you're not WORTH IT!" I yelled as I cut off his hand that held his sword(Which was trying to slash my head in two- getting it cut over a dozen times in half is enough for me.). Both Afro's and Oracion's eyes widened at this.

Apparently, they weren't expecting that. Personally- I wasn't either.

Afro growled before he wrenched his hand from my grip and punched me in the face, throwing me into the halls wall. I shook my head as I got up from the ground and blocked his next sword strike with my blade's sheath. The sheath by itself looked more ornate than any regular blade, with its coloring being mainly orange, and strange glyphs of every color you could think of on it, reinforcing it to the point of being sharper than most blades. Not that my opponents knew that- as attested when I cut off Afros pinky on his left hand that just grew back.

Before he could recover properly, I grabbed his neck and pinned him to the wall. "You think it's funny to try and hurt others just because you feel like it? You think it's _cute_?!" I whispered harshly in his ear as he grunted and threw me off him. "I do what I want because I want to- not because I care for others and what they think of me!" He told me harshly as I gritted my teeth and charged at him, sheath in hand as he raised his right arm in preparation.

I roared as I swung low on him as he swung high-

 ***CHINK***

I stopped running as I stood behind Afro, sheath still in position to slash, as he did the same with his blade. After a few suspenseful seconds, my left arm(God damn it!) slowly slid down my side until it fully slid off my shoulder to the ground, blood starting to pour as it did so, painting the hall around me red. It would have scalped the left side of my head too had I not tilted it at the last possible nano-second. I personally didn't care though(Except for FFA, who just keeps taking the abuse-) as I achieved what I wanted. I grinned as I heard a gasp coming from Oracion behind me. I slowly turned around, and my grin grew just as slowly when I took in the sight before me.

Afro had a slight nick on his right cheek, but his eyes were quivering at the sight of his afro-

Which had a large chunk of the right side lobed off.

Did I just do what you all think I did? Yes.

Yes I did.

Afro slowly looked over to me, and just from staring at the way the remains of his afro stiffened, I could tell he was livid. Livid enough to go release in our Barracks?

"Repent, En primer lugar la Relajación!"

Looks like the rest of the walls getting painted red- though from his blood or mine, was up to debate.

I'm really feeling like betting 2 is gonna always be right these past few days.

As his transformation finished, Oracion took a step forward, intending to end this before it started, but I held a hand out to her, telling her I would handle it. She looked conflicted for a second, before nodding and letting me take care of it. could be a pretty good actor when she needed to be.

I wasn't stupid. The whole reason she had stuck around me all day was to try and figure out why she(Or anyone else it appeared-) couldn't sense my Reiatsu- hell, the only reason she had tried to 'stop' the fight was so that it didn't look suspicious of her to just stand and watch one of her own get pummeled into the ground by another of her own! She wanted nothing more then for me to battle him to see the extent of this 'ability', but to do so she had to take a gamble.

She got risky, and she's lucky there is nothing more that I like than a risque woman.

Afro before and after didn't look that much different- just the headband now sporting a number one, and his looks seemed a lot less disheveled now. He looked younger and didn't look like he had just gotten back from dumpster diving is what I'm saying. Sadly, it would seem his hair fixed itself too.

I lost FFA number 113 for nothing?!

"You're dead-" He growled as he appeared behind me, a slash appearing across my stomach as he did. That would be the last time he wounded me. I grabbed my sheath as I turned and slashed at him when he tried to stab my back. My sheath threw his aim off enough for his blade to barely touch my shoulder as it cut through the cloth on it, allowing me to thrust my sheath into his gut, stabbing straight through. He didn't expect that again, but wasn't going to be caught off guard like last time so he just kicked me off as my sheath retracted from his stomach enough for him to patch up the hole.

I wasn't one to let up an assault, however, so I quickly went in again with a flurry of slashes, feints, thrusts, and whatever have you. It would seem I was steadily increasing in speed as my comfort over attacking grew as Afro soon started to sweat and grit his teeth. Probably over the fact I myself had yet to release and I was still keeping him on the defensive. He changed that soon though as he stopped my sheath with his blade after grabbing it with his left arm as well. "La Distracción de la mejor Espadachín!" He took his left hand off his blade(Which made his right one start to shake at the pressure it needed to hold my sheath back-) to grab his own sheath, and throw it at my neck, point blank.

I didn't know what was coming exactly, but I did have an idea(His attack literally had him screaming 'Distraction'.) So instead of blocking or dodging like he had wanted me to do- I took it. So as his eyes widened at me taking his sheath to my neck this close up, I tipped his balance off with his blade by moving under my sheath and and shoving my shoulder forward, shoving his sword away and allowing me to sink my own sheath into his neck.

We both just stood there, sheathes in each other, blood dribbling down our necks, before Afro reached forward and pulled his sheath out and slashing with both it and his sword to cut off my hands. My eyes widened before I brought up my leg in an attempt to block his sheath, but he brought up his sword as well and cut it off below the knee.

As I fell to the floor, he took his sheath and stabbed me right in the stomach, and the leaned down to whisper to me. "I'm going to decapitate you like my father was- consider it a reward for actually managing to cut me." He then proceeded to flicker his sword towards my neck, splattering blood all over the walls.

As 'my' head went rolling down to Oracion's feet, Afro coughed up a bit of blood.

I blew some hair out of my eyes. I told you he wouldn't cut me again this fight. The body on the floor, however… "La Reencarnación de Sangre : la Liberación." I spoke as the body on the floor and the sheath on the floor where Afro had thrown it after removal(And the head Oracion was looking at like it was her own skull-) soon turned red and liquified as it slithered to return to me, crawling up my skin to any orifice it could find and soon going into it. I was literally seeing red at one point-

Soon after that was done, I took my the actual sheath out of his body(Where his heart would be- if he had one, I suppose.) and kicked him to the floor, him reverting back to normal as I did so. Just goes to show-

Show what? I don't know- stay in school or something?

As I walked back to the bags, Oracion snapped out of her stupor and ran to Afro's side. "How- how…?" "Did I do that? You're not the only one who realized no one could feel my power anymore. And there was a plethora of hiding spaces here for me to hide in… too bad I chose your room to hide in-" I shuddered.

Never had I seen so much Yaoi Hentai in one place.

I picked up the bags and placed them in her room nearby before leaving and closing the door and exiting the Barracks soon after that(Oracion had decided to take Afro to our healing clinic- I often forgot that not everyone could survive a their heart being stabbed and collapsed. Whoops.). I had answers to get- and the only way to get them would be to get the hell out of dodge(I.E. Hueco Mundo.) and go to the hoomahn world.

"Hey, Mu, wait up!"

But first- "Yo, what up Zephyr-" A sword stabbed me in the chest.

Favorite Fucking Left Lung- no!


	3. I'm running out of favorite organs

**Guess who's back- back again. Yeah, I know, I know, 'You haven't updated in almost a month!' Well deal with it- I'm here now, so shut your pie-hole and read the chapter. I still do not own any of the content of Bleach, nor do I own any(Except the Narrator of this story!) of the OC's.**

"Yo- you know that fucking hurts, and you stabbed FFLL Number 77!" I complained as he withdrew his blade and I wiped some blood off my lip and licked the rest clean.

Hey- a guy's gotta get iron in his diet somehow. Even though the blood belonged to me so in essence it shouldn't work like that but does anyway.

Because Hollow logic..

"Ah, I always greet you that way, quit your whinin'." The man behind me told me as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and flicked the blood off his steel blade with the other. "Yeah- why do you think I got to a number as high as 77?" I asked rhetorically as I shoved him off and faced him.

He was fairly average height, 5'10, with pale skin and black hair done emo style(He even just did a hair flip to prove my point!) with a few strands covering his left eye. He had a black t-shirt under an equally black jacket hat had the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. He also had on black skinny jeans(Which I always cringe at whenever I have to look below his waist-) and black dress shoes.

Zephyr was- what I feared most in this world- a Yaoi fangirls wet dream(Though seeing as how it's a Yaoi fangirl, there won't be much moistness- Ha!). He was a Bishounen.

Cue my shudder as I looked over my shoulder to see if the fangirls had formed yet.

But he wasn't just some regular girls fantasy- he was what I in the biz call a "Morpher".

What was a morpher? Well, in our Universe, we have life changing currency called "Shards". These little buggers, alone, aren't useful(Expensive as hell though, as I've had to go to the Hoomahn world in disguise and sell my organs to the black market more than once- got a neat keychain though for continuing to go there for all my purchases and selling of important things in the body though.)- get enough of them together though, then go to Lsmjudoka(People call him Lsm for short- I prefer Judoka-Kun-San-Senpai-Koi-Sensei though.) and you could change whatever you want about yourself. Name, face(Got an ugly mug? Make it a slightly less ugly mug!... Even he has limits on what he can do with what he has to work with-), body(Wanna be the other gender for a day?... Or 100- you got the right place.), even your soul can be changed with these things- though, there are massive side effects to doing that, so I tend to avoid doing any of those things.

Side effects? Your personality will no doubt be erased to fit your new soul, your body goes through similar changes most of the time to fit the new Resurreccion or Bankai you get, and the most obvious one to point out- your soul could either erased completely, in turn allowing you to become Mortal once again and becoming a Hoomahn in the process, or(Depending on what race you are to begin with-) you will be allowed to be purified and sent to Soul Society to become a Shinigami, or become so filled with hatred, you unlock Hollow powers, forgo anything that has to deal with Shinigami, and become a Hollow residing in Hueco Mundo then.

Like I said- massive changes.

I myself have only undergone changes using these shards once- though my soul has been tampered with a total of three times( My first time was by force- just like the first time I had sex!) . How? That's a story for another day, but as for now-

"Because you let yourself get stabbed, burned, clawed, and otherwise maimed on a daily basis." He deadpanned. "Honestly, everyone thinks you love it with the way you're doing it so much." I couldn't exactly deny that it happens daily- but I most certainly do not enjoy it.

Ever have your intestines cut from your stomach and then wrapped around your neck as your opponent stabs his sword through your leg so you can't get up?

Me neither- friend had it happen to him once however. Though there was that one time I was being interrogated back when I was but an Arranar and the interrogators decided to peel off my fingernails meticulously and shove them in my mouth, making me chew them before they chopped off both my thumbs and did the same thing as my fingernails.

Wasn't the best night's sleep is what I'm saying.

"Get to the point of why you're here already- I have bitches to fuck and tea to douse on fires that karrie made." I deadpanned. "Oh, I just thought you would like the chance to handle Goman before I sound the alert to the whole race." He said as he took out a nail file from… I'm guessing his ass and started filing away. I raised a brow.

"And you're not doing so because?" I rolled my hand in a 360 as I skeptically questioned him. He blinked and looked at me like I was stupid(Which is totally not true- I took a hoomahn IQ test before and got a 1- the best possible score one can get, because 1 is the best ranking out of everything, as anyone knows.). "Because I just got this face and I don't feel like ruining it on that beast." The way he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world made me want to high-5 him for commitment.

In the face.

With a chair.

Twice.

"Yeah yeah- what are the coordinates?" After he gave me the location, I immediately jetted out of there.

I didn't want to stay there too long in his presence for fear that I would soon start to vomit up glittering rainbows.

I should probably explain what the hell a Goman was( Was it evil? Was it powerful? Was it a pastry? Yes to all those things.). The Shinigami and the Hollows each had a creature that appeared once every so often that, when fought and beaten, the Souls that fought it get a small boost in power, and receive points that go to there Fraccion(Or Squad, if you're a filthy Shinigami- which I am not.) that allows the Fraccion to buy boosts in training for the Fraccion members( So say if I was to stab a worthless Hollow in the head, I would get more out of it than I normally would without that boost- Not that I go around stabbing small Hollows or anything… Don't judge me-). We called these things "Race Bosses", because the things seemed to be our actual respective races- release and all. Which is why I was on my way there now- not for the points( Though stealing the points away from other Fraccion's is usually a pastime of mine, I'm not here for that right now.), but to test out just how strong I had gotten.

As soon as I got there, though, people were already engaged in combat with it(Damn- and here I was looking forward to it ripping my arm off and slapping me with it while it was at full power.). Looking closer, the two were revealed to be Tsuna(No, not tuna, last time I asked he got really pissed for some reason- I mean, tuna is great. Don't know why you wouldn't want to be called something so tasty-) and Suoh(People like referring to him as Suho though, on account of him believing in Sandy Klaws even after he turned 180- but definitely not because he was a man whore. Nope.)

Suoh was your typical 'Bad Boy', complete with spiky, dark red hair, blood red t-shirt, black leather coat, black skinny jeans, convers, and of course, a voice that makes anyone wet.

Doesn't matter if it was in a grown woman's panties, or on the face of the douche that he was directly spitting in the face of.

He made everyone wet.

Tsuna was garbed differently from when I had last seen him, so he apparently wasted shards to change his look and name(Not that he ever seemed to run out of those damn things- the lucky prick.), as he was now garbed in an entirely black outfit befitting a ninja.

With a red cape.

If that doesn't spell fruity, I need a proper Japanese lesson.

Or whatever the hell it is I am speaking at this point.

The only reason I knew it was Tsuna was the fact that the eye part of his head wasn't covered, allowing me to see his dark skin. Now normally, that isn't a very good indicator of who someone is, but what with the perpetual night, most of us Hollows are pale freaks that hiss at the sunlight when we do find some.

The two were currently going at it on Goman, both unreleased(Because early on, not releasing against it will in turn not allow it to release against the fighter, and that is a bigger bonus than actually releasing and having it release alongside you, with a lot more power behind it's transformation.), and both fairly beat up at this point in the fight.

Goman didn't look too worse for wear, but it was fairly good at hiding if it was injured or weak from years of experience, so for all I know, one puff of air could be enough to topple it over.

Not that it'd let you close enough to even wipe it's ass with a 20 foot pole-

"Alright boys- play time's over! Step aside, and watch the master handle this." I told them as I started to crack my knuckles and walk over to Goman. "Oh yeah- just like that one time we all let you go at it alone and it ended up taking off each individual finger you had, seared off the skin and muscle, and used the bones as toothpicks after it ate your liver and kidneys!" That was a rough patch in my career- well, if you count eating endless amounts of souls and taking down a filthy, bigoted race as a career, anyways.

"This time is different, Tuna-" "It WAS Tsuna, you little prick, but I changed it to Nightwing now, so show some respect." "Ya, ya, whatever you say, Boy Wonder-" I waved him off as Suoh had to restrain him from coming after my head.

Which one, I'll let you decide.

"You know that any single one Hollow going after Goman- even with him weakened- is suicide, Mu. Why would you want to try now? Does it have something to do with me not being able to sense your energy… Or does it have to do with last time?" Damn Suoh bringing that back up- Goman rips my balls off ONCE and people just automatically assume that's why I always want to fight Goman alone now!

Given, every other time I've wanted to WAS because of that, it doesn't mean every time is why damn it!

"No, no- okay yes, but he has it coming to him!" Que me childishly pointing at the bastard. "And it's not like this doesn't benefit you, either, as if I really DON'T kill it, I will still be weakening it further for you to beat it in my stead." Of course he took the deal-

Fighting Goman was a _bitch_!

"That still doesn't convince me enough to not fight it too, dipshit." "I glanced at Tsuna. "You get to watch it beat the shit out of me."

He couldn't have pulled out a lawn chair and popcorn any faster than he just did even with my speed.

So that left just me, and the walking definition of 'Emo' over there.

The reason I say emo, is because of a few reasons.

Number 1- It's outfit befits that of someone who walks around not caring how shitty he looks, with green hair done in an emo style, with a strand covering it's left eye, and an entirely white, bone armor covering the rest of the body.

Number 2- It obviously enjoys pain, as no matter how many times we've maimed the bastard, it won't fucking stay away from us!

And Number 3- It has a 5 foot pole up it's own ass(I blame this pole for the reason it won't let other poles around it- it gets jealous of the size of others very easily.).

"Alright lanky, pasty, and broody- time to get your face smashed in!" At least, that was the plan- if it hadn't grabbed my fist before I could hit it and threw me into the sand.

Had my mouth open, too.. Tasted like how Dormammu's breath smelled- unpleasant.

Growling, I picked myself up and went in for a spin-kick, which was blocked by it's left forearm, before I used the momentum of the kick to lift my other leg into the air and smash it's head into the ground, then wobbled away from the impact site of the crater.

I now know the reasoning behind calling someone dense headed- that thing broke favorite fucking leg!

Healing it wouldn't have been too much of a problem, but the prick decided to get back up, rush in at me, grab the damn same leg it had just broke(Even if I was the one that kicked him- all semantics.) and pulled me in for an uppercut-

That proceeded right into my crotch.

Needless to say, I wasn't reproducing any little Hollow babies ever again. Not that I ever have to begin with- but you get my point.

At least now I won't have to worry about contraception- whatever that is. I just read a hoomahn dictionary once and liked the way it sounded.

Blinking and standing up, I noticed I was several hundred feet away from Goman, and went back in the game(Not before I watched the video sent to me by Fruity showing me sitting in the fetal position, covering my groin and whispering words like 'It's okay' and 'It'll never hurt you again'- prick.).

Now, I could go on and regale you of my… Oh so glorious, battle(Which didn't totally end up with me having all my bones broken, limbs detached from my body, organs spread out from my body that vaguely looked like 'Goman' if looked at from a certain angle, and needing genital replacement surgery- not at aaaaaaall.), but I am lazy.

So just imagine me standing over a pile of dead bodies, shirt off showing my amazing bod as I stab a sword through Goman's chest as dozens of women try to get my attention from the bottom of the mound.

Grumbling as I got out of the Fraccion 10 infirmary, I decided now would be an excellent time to make myself scarce(Sorely tempted to go and deal with Fruity sending me all the photos of my mangled body- I mean my glorious victory, but that could take a back seat for now.) and headed towards the Hoomahn world.

Making it there was a piece of cake(Other than the constant jabs at me through Mundospace about my unconscious face with a dick drawn on my cheek heading(Not a fucking pun!) towards my mouth- again, sorely tempted to go sort THAT out, but I digress.), but figuring out how to get to the place HE told me about was another story.

I could pull a karrie and set fire to everything, but with it raining(No, I CAN'T set fire to the rain, despite popular belief… Damn pop culture-) it would seem weird to the hoomahns for it not to be going out, so that was out(Also the fact that I would have Shinigami on me so fast, I wouldn't even be able to pucker my anus before they were on me like flies to shit-). I could go around, building to building, searching for what I was looking for- but I'm hella lazy, so that was also out. Not many things I could do here to get what I wanted, and not cause massive amounts of chaos and distortion(So basically the fun way was out- damn.).

"Hey, Setsumei-" Seems like I was lost more in thought than I had thought if Suoh(Or any Espada really-) was able to sneak up on me. Even gave up more of my name too(How does that work if I'm the one writing the story? Very simple, really- um, uuuuuuuh, shut up, that's why.). Oh well, might as well give up my name, if everyone is just going to keep calling me by it, then(Not like you know what I look like anyway- Mwahahaha!).

My full name is Mu Setsumei Uxukie- though I have a plethora of names that people call me by-

Loser, ScrubLord, MooMoo, MooMoo-Senpai(Only called me that once- I will forever try to remember who said it, because I for the life of me don't remember who did.), Shitkeeper, UxUgly, FateeFateeGumbalatie(Not even fat- more anorexic if anything.), and so many others that I don't remember half of them(If they weren't good, original, or crazy, I didn't remember them.)

Not many good ones as you can tell.

Anyway- "Yeah? What do you want?" "You seen Oracion around lately?" That was a stupid question- "Yeah, I saw her just yesterday." Suoh didn't seem to like that answer. "I was afraid of that- Afro said that was the last time he had seen her, too." "So? It hasn't even been 24 hours-" "He also said that was the first time he had seen her in over a month."

Okay, that was news. I had only just recently rejoined the 10 force(Week, maybe 10 days-) So not seeing her until recently wasn't really that much of an issue to me. But apparently it was to everyone else-

"How does the King lose track of one of the most POWERFUL Hollows he has in his army?!" That was like a fat kid not seeing a fucking candy store in his neighborhood that's been there for years- it just doesn't happen. "We don't know." He shook his head. "She's not the only one, though." Not the only one? The fuck-

"Let me see the list-" I took the paper from him and read who was missing. "Oracion, Kayo, karrie... The fuck?" I whispered to myself. At once, I could tell the similarities between all of them.

For one thing, they were all chicks(Hot chicks at that-), another thing was they were all Espada at one point, or held similar seats of power, and last, the most important thing-

I had seen them all over the last 24 hours.

Fuck.

 **Flashback(Because I feel like it!)!**

" _Ow." I said as I woke up in the Fraccion 10 Medical Bay. It was a slightly above average sized room, complete with a walk in bathroom, white walls(Which I hated- don't get me wrong, I like the color white, but when it comes to white walls, I can't stop myself from being racist and saying 'White Power'-), a dozen beds, and curtains everywhere to give some semblance of privacy to the patients(Not that it helped when you can literally see the silhouette of everything behind them… Which I abuse every time we have Fraccion check-ups.). Nothing too fancy, as the Fraccion's spent more room on important things, like Training Rooms and Quarters for Hollows inside the Barracks- it's why the Fraccions were thinking of building an actual Medical House somewhere within Hueco Mundo._

 _I agreed with that, only because it's better than just all that sand(That tastes horrible, as I've learned from experience-) sitting there and doing nothing._

 _I'm the only one allowed to do that here!_

" _Fucking, Goman-" I grunted as I stood up off the bed I was placed in. Looking down confirmed I was wrapped almost head to toe in gauze._

 _Most heavily around my crotch though, to my immense annoyance._

 _I didn't like the color of the gauze though, so I just started to unwrap myself- though the fact that when I unwrapped my stomach blood started bursting out made me pause in unwrapping the rest. Why was my stomach still cut open?_

 _Strange, my healing usually fixes me up by now._

 _Except that one time with Zangetsu's homemade ale- not even my regeneration could save Original Favorite Left Kidney number 8._

 _Tying myself back up, I heard footsteps approaching the bay, which I thought nothing of as I continued to ponder the serious issue here-_

" _What am I going to have for Lunch?"_

 _The most critical question of anyone, ever. By far._

 _Though I decided to see who was at the door when it opened, and was surprised to see Kayo of all people(Not so much because she wasn't even apart of Fraccion 10, but because she was a grill. Walking in here- for_ me _(Or I think for me, if the fact that there is no other person here beside me is reliable enough to go by.).) walk in._

 _Pasty white, about 5'4, brown hair done in four separate pigtails, two at the side of her head, two at the back, long sleeved white shirt going past her wrists, covering a portion of her hands, with a pink and white pencil skirt going to mid thigh.. She had black tights going to a little above her knees, with equally black high heels. Strapped to her waist was her swords sheath, which made me more than a little apprehensive-_

 _Because who the fuck brings a sword to a god damn Medical Bay other than to cause harm of the bodily kind?_

" _What brings you here, Kayo?" Couldn't hurt to ask, as at the very least, it might be a misunderstanding._

 _But the way she drew her sword and tried to pin me to the bed with it proved otherwise._

 _Of course, I dodged it, not wanting in the very least to be pinned to anything with a sword when I apparently wasn't fully healed. But not seeing my sword anywhere in site, made that possibility a reality(And also made me suspicious, as I never NOT have my sword on me- even when knocked unconscious.). "You really have a death wish, don't ya?" I asked her while ducking under a horizontal slice. She just remained silent as she tried to pierce my gut._

 _You heard her, folks- silence always means yes… Unless they are unconscious- then you need a parental sign off!_

 _Swatting her sword away, I grabbed her by her throat and flipped her into the bed behind me, breaking it in the process. Never say Uncle MooMoo doesn't like things a little rough. Lifting up my fist, I was going to punch her in the face(Numerous times, I assure you-) but she shot out her leg and hit my already damaged precious cargo._

 _And it was already labeled 'Damaged- no further damage can be sustained, lest it break!'_

" _Bitch!" I hissed as I lowered to the ground, clutching my jewels(And Pearls-) as she flipped off the bed and lifted up her sword._

 _Damn, didn't get too good a panty shot from that._

" _Animate, Sueños de Marcha!" She said firmly, her sword vanishing in particles of light, only to conjoin back into a baton the length of her arm, with a gold knob like ornament on the op, with wings made out of what could only be light sticking out of the sides. But the sword wasn't the only thing to change, as Kayo's hair apparently grew a little more, and she sprouted brown bat-like wings, which was accompanied by a similarly colored monkey tail._

 _I didn't know what the fuck it was doing there, it just was there._

 _Not like I cared about any of that though, as she was FUCKING DEAD WHEN I GOT HER!_

 _She had to pay me back in full for the jewels she broke, anyway._

" _I'm going to enjoy toying with you, you little minx-" I growled as I leapt and clawed her across the face._

 _Or what I thought was her face._

 _I hated these types of releases- illusion based ones. Her appearance wasn't for show- she behaved more like a bat then she would like to admit. That includes being mostly deaf, but with the added bonus of sonar that every bat possesses. Unlike regular bats, though, her sonar has the ability of illusion- which she usually uses to make dreams a reality for her foes, allowing her to better fight while they are lowering their guard and distracted, hence the name of her Resurreccion._

 _But enough of the lesson- and onto more pressing matters!_

 _Like figuring the fuck out where she actually was and ripping her limbs apart until every single ligament is torn from her body!_

 _Bit much? It's never enough when someone fucking hits me in the sack!_

 _And not the good kind of sack, either!_

" _You're little illusions aren't enough to fool me, Minx." I said as I swatted away an illusion of a hot chick in nothing but her undergarments-_

 _Normally, that would work- but considering my other head is broke, and the only functional one I had was screeching bloody murder, it wasn't going to this time._

 _Halting in another advance towards a similarly dressed Oracion(You can bet I'm committing this all to memory-), I took a step back and sliced my hand behind me, grinning in satisfaction when a Kayo with a small cut on her cheek appeared, then just as quickly disappeared._

 _It's a hard thing to keep up an illusion on someone with more than 10 times your own Reiatsu and also stay hidden… Even if said person's control was absolute shit from just getting it and couldn't access most of the energy._

 _Grinning like a loon, I went around the room, attacking at random intervals, but each being rewarded with a solid hit against kayo, who was slowly looking more and more like a pulp then before. Deciding to give her_ some _form of mercy, I completely missed the next jab at her person, allowing her to get behind me and smack me in the head with her baton, but then grabbed said weapon(Which in turn erased the illusion of a very steamy lesson from Oracion-Sensei, heheh-) and shot out a kick for behind me, sending her flying while I kept her weapon on me._

 _While I liked all the half-naked women, it hurt to get a boner with my injuries._

" _Well, well, well- what have we here?" I spoke to her while twirling her own baton in my hand. "A poor innocent girl seems to be lost- and in my neck of the woods to boot!" If it could, my grin turned even more outright insane. "I hope you know what comes next, little girl!" I walked closer to her, not entirely sure she could understand what I was saying. But from the way she was shivering while curling up into herself, she did._

 _Wow. Way to make me look like the dick, here…_

 _Sighing, I played it down a little. "Look, I'm not gonna do anything that bad to ya, just wanted to make you pay for kicking me in the balls like you were jealous of them… Though you seem to have a pair yourself for actually doing that-" I muttered to myself. "Here, you can take your Sueños back now." I held it out for her to take. She sniffed, looking too scared to take it. Oh Jesus Christ-_

" _I'm not gonna harm you, alright?" I put on my best smile(I picture it looked something like Mandy from Grim Adventures gave from the way Kayo recoiled at it-) and she hesitantly reached out to take it._

" _See? I'm not evil."'That much-' I thought the last part to myself as she finally grabbed it. "Okay, now you just-" "Sueño Técnica: Realismo." It was barely above a whisper._

 _The curses I started to let fly, weren't._

 **Flashback END(Not so much a cliffhanger, more so the fact that the rest contains spoilers for newer chapters yet to be released… Gotta keep the masses entertained somehow-)!**

Phew.

Hated talking in Italics(Makes me feel like I was talking in an accent- and a fairly bad one, as well.).

But, like I was saying- they figure out I had contact with them over the last few hours, I can kiss my ass goodbye.

Because it'd be fucked.

Up the ass.

With the biggest blackest dick you could find.

"Hm. they are all females." Yes- say the obvious! It makes me look stupid, and people NEVER suspect the stupid!

"Yes, yes they are-" Suoh spoke to me in a voice one saves for a child or an exceptionally slow person(I'm either Both or Neither- hard to decide.). "Have you seen any of the other people on this list recently? We can't find them or anyone that's seen them recently." "Nope."

Deny , deny, deny-

"You sure?" "Nope."

Deny, deny, deny-

"Well, that being said, Oracion left this letter, and it's addressed to you. No one could open it- though considering it's Oracion, not very surprising. Not sure you'll have any better luck, but, here." "Nope."

Deny, deny, deny- wait, what?

"So, you don't want it? Cause if not, it's basically garbage." Suoh scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "No, no, sorry, just… Zoned out a bit- let me see it." Bidding goodbye to him, I went on ahead to an abandoned building.

"... A letter, huh? From Oracion, no less-" I was no small fact Oracion hated handwriting- if she ever wanted to say something, it was usually through her fists or on a rant to some poor weak Hollow. So getting a letter, of all things, made me a bit skeptical about who it was actually from, and what the contents were.

Though I suppose I would know for sure once I figured out _how to open the damn thing_!

Looking it over gave me no results, as there was nothing out of the ordinary with it- just a plain old envelope that was 'licked' closed. I'm skeptical it was licked closed, because he bugger wouldn't open-

For all I know, she sealed it with her damn- ehem, sorry, getting off topic here.

Even adding Reiatsu(Which, sometimes, Souls use to make sure certain things don't get intercepted by enemies, like sex toys… Never going through Fraccion 2's mail again-) didn't work, so I was stumped for a solution. Though if she really _was_ looking for me, I could just wander the city until she comes to find me.

She never was a patient person- evident from that one time she broke into a Hoomahn mall the day before Christmas, just because she had to wait literally 60 seconds to get in.

The manager was right next to the door looking for the keys to open it, damn it!

Walking out of the building, I started to take a walk around the city- kills two birds with one stone, because she would eventually find me, and I could try to find what I was looking for.

I am so S-M-R-T.

Though walking around was kind of boring me(Plus I was acting like a weak Hoomahn who couldn't scour the whole city in a minute flat, which pissed me off-) so I decided to take to the skies and calm my mind.

A lot had happened in the last day or so since I met _Him_. My increase in power, Hollow's with massive pull in Hueco Mundo going missing(My subsequent genital transplant-), and the obviously most important-

My first kiss(Don't judge me- I can gloat all I want! A hot girl kissed me!... Albeit, a psychotic Hollow who apparently was kidnapped, or went rogue against my entire race- but it was a hot girl none the less!).

Totally going in the scrapbook as best day ever(Was I really going to keep a scrapbook? Nah, that wouldn't be heterosexual at all- so I'm going to call my pimp moments book… So it will only have one entry- but I'm sure there will be more moments added to it!... God am I lonely.).

"Seem pretty deep in thought." A deep voice behind me said.

Glancing back, I could tell it was a Captain(Not sure of which squad, as I couldn't see the back of the Haori they wear.) and from the looks of it, one I didn't know. Which is rather shocking, as I don't not know many of the Captains of Soul Society.

He was sitting down right behind me and to the side, allowing me to see him without moving my head, so I couldn't exactly tell how tall he was, but he was certainly at least 6 foot if he was still towering over me even with both of us sitting down. He was also ripped- with his Haori being sleeveless and the robe- thing(It looked like a robe, but was held together from the hips up by red strings or wire in an 'X' formation, numerous amounts of them holding the robe closed, along with a red sash on his hips.) also not having sleeves. On his feet were regular shoes, but directly above them were light blue shin braces with lace tied around the length, each end also being topped off with white fur. He had the same kind of braces on his forearms, except without the fur and in a darker color. He had long silvery white hair, with the bangs just covering his eyes as well.

All in all, he could look like a badass to most, and strike fear into plenty.

I wasn't one of those people.

"I feel like I should know you, Captain." I told him as I sat atop the same building I had been for the past couple minutes, taking my eyes off him again to look out at the city. "Enryu." So a name to the face(That I couldn't see-), eh? Though the name did sound familiar- Squad 5's Captain, if I wasn't mistaken. "So what brings you down to the Bayou's, Captain-Sama?" I asked rhetorically. "Nothing much- enjoying the scenery, if anything." The sun was setting, meaning the day(At least for this world-) was ending.

"Hm. Yes, it is rather nice, for a view anyway."

I wasn't entirely sure how long we just sat there, staring at the sun(I know it was long enough for me to have gone legally blind if I didn't have massive healing prowess, though-), but by the time I came back to reality, the sun was just about set, and we were both still just sitting there.

Oh, yeah. "Hey, I have a question." Now this is where I had to be careful- talking about this delicate matter would upset the balance of power even more than it already was. Couldn't have the Soul Society knowing that we were missing some very powerful repellents for an Invasion-

"I may or may not answer, depending on the question." He told me slowly. Now how to format this question- "Have you seen the Espada of 10- we were playing hide and seek with a few other Hollows, and I can't seem to find any of them."

Hide and Seek- I am so intelligent.

The change was instantaneous- one minute I was casually asking the smartest formatted question in either afterlife, the next I was being choked like a bitch and pinned to the roof of the building by the guy who looked fairly docile.

Even if he was built like a rhino.

"Look, I know people can get into some weird shit- I myself hold a special place in my heart for fox girls in bikinis squirting each other with water(Don't ask-), but usually I ask people before I try to fulfill my depraved fantas- Ah!"

God damn it! Favorite Fucking Left Arm!

As I cradled my now broken arm, he chose to smash my head further into the building. "You damn Hollows, trying to cover this up as some sort of game?!" He didn't look at all pleased, which made me wonder what the hell we were doing as I sat on the building.

I can only hope that kadaj didn't do something to their Barracks again(Though I kind of wish he would, as making all the toilets spit out water anytime they were flushed was absolutely amazing- the shrink wrap over the toilets in the first place were also a nice touch.).

"Look, FFLA did nothing to you, and neither did my neck, so why don't you just ease-" He once again shoved my head further into the roof. "SHUT UP!" Yeash, he sounded aggrevated. "I am SICK-" He punched my head into the building even more- "- of you go, damn, SICKO'S-" Once again punched in the back of the head- "- making up such perverted EXCUSES FOR YOUR ACTIONS!" I decided to actually catch the punch this time, and threw him over the side of the building.

"Fuckin' Hell, mate-" I went into a kneeling position and wiped the blood from me mouth."Bloomin' hell- wanker gone done messed up me noggin', he did!"

Bangers and mash, that wouldn't do!

"One right up th' side a me cranial cavity, should be enough-" I muttrd as me fist went on a collision course with my head-

 **BANG**

"Ah, much better." I said to myself as I rubbed the spot where a lump formed from me hitting myself.

Beats being British any day-

"Gah!" I had to quickly dodge the jab that had come from above by flipping backwards. "I didn't even do anything!" 'This time-' I thought that last part to myself as I had to duck under a swing from the same prick's sword and then clasped the blade in between my two hands, causing a stand still.

I didn't know where he pulled that thing from(So I'm just going to assume it came from where everything else anybody ever pulled their swords from- their ass.) but it would seem he got it, indicating I wasn't going to be leaving here without a fight. We both jumped away from each other soon though.

"It is a long katana-"(Cough, Cough compensating Cough Cough-)"-with a dark red hilt, and black colored blade. The crossguard is a rectangular octagon-" Um, is he seriously describing his sword… Right now? "-with wavy lines stretching out from the center to the rim of the crossguard with dashed lines and circles in between them." Yes. Yes he is. "Upon release, this Zanpakuto takes on an ornamental design-" And now he's describing his released sword- which he hasn't even shown yet. "-becoming a double edged blade with the kanji for "Death" on it's sides." No- really? A death god with the kanji for DEATH on his blade? Not possible- "This sword controls the fate of all Mortal Beings." He-He realizes we're all dead, right?

"Immortalize, Samonji." Wait, shit! I let him release!

His fucked up way of distracting me worked!

"Like hell I'm going to let you-" Shit. He already finished.

I guess I am letting him.

Taking out my own sword, I moved forward to combat him. He dodged my slice, and parried my jab with his own, sending me back as he charged into my personal bubble and went to take off my arm-

First he get's into my bubble, and now he wants my arm?! Unacceptable!

Growling, I shoved his blade away with my Reiasu enhanced hand(Still received a rather nasty cut on it though-) and clawed a his face. Unlike earlier in the day, this attack hit, and temporarily blinded him in his right eye.

Blind spot, here I come!

Using Sonido, I appeared on his right hand side, and aimed a punch at his face. Predictably, he was able to block that strike, but not my other as I slashed at his abdomen with my sword, causing him to wince and shoulder me in the stomach, sending me further away from him. Hm, I might have to release at this rate, because I doubt he'll underestimate my capabilities again- ah well, I'll figure it out if when I get to the point where I _do_ have to release!

"Let's go, sons of ass-" I taunted him as I went in with a flurry of slashes, barely letting him up a all, not allowing him to go on the offensive. Well, at least with his sword, as he can apparently use it ONE HANDED!

"Bakudo 44: Sekisho!" Damn it, now there's a barrier between me and my target. I tried to slash my way through, but it is fairly sturdy, so a simple sword slash won't be able to break it- shit, I need to figure out something fast, or else he's going to finish that stupid chant of his, and I don't want to figure out just which spell he's gonna use!

For all I know, it could be some kind of ball seeker- and I just fixed my old ones!

"I let you release- but I ain't letting you do whatever it is you want to do behind that stupid thing!" Charging up as much reiatsu as I could get(And handle-), I formed it in the shape of a Cero. "Taste this, Filth- La Pesadilla de la Bóveda!" Finally done, I sent the violet colored Reishi bomb at the barrier, in hopes of it breaking and frying the person inside.

Instead, it hit the barrier, but after a couple seconds, it fired right back at me. "Shit!" I yelled as I barely dodged it by sidestepping. But I wasn't done yet! As soon as it looked like the blast would just fly off into the distance, a dome of my Reishi popped up and sent the blast flying straight back into the barrier.

This went on for about a minute, the blast ricocheting off the barrier, only to be sent back by the dome into barrier(And one time singeing the hair off my head-). Soon enough, though, the cero started to shake and become unstable, which is about the same time my dome shattered when it imploded in on itself.

"That ought to have gotten him." Talking to yourself-

Never get's old, kids.

But, just to make sure, I decided to use Pesquisa to make sure I did the job right.

Of course I didn't.

"Bakudo 99: Kin!" Oh look- the strongest Bakudo spell.

Joy.

As soon as that was said, black cloth was wrapped around everything from my mouth down(Damn- now how am I supposed to make oh-so witty comebacks?). Then I was soon dragged down onto the ground below me as gray slabs were pressed down into the clothes, grounding me(But daddy, I don't want to go to the floor!).

"Bakudo 99: Bankin! Shiyuu!" Oh boy- he's wasn't pulling any punches here. Holding out his hand with his palm forward, he gripped his right wrist with his left hand, and suddenly, even _more_ cloth(I feel like I'm a runway model- minus the model part.) came from his apparent _ass_ and wrapped itself around my body too. "Hyakurensan!" Iron bolts came from nowhere- _again_ (Seriously, it's like his specialty to pull things from his ass.), to pierce me right through the arms, legs, and neck, making me crouch from it all. "Bankin Taihou!" If I wasn't completely against the ground before, I was now when a massive friggin' rock slammed on the top of my back.

Talk about your BDSM-

He started walking towards me(I started to take inventory. Best case scenery, he lets me off with a warning and a spank to my rear for being 'Naughty'- Worst case scenery, I have to start taking one up the butthole.) slowly, deliberately taking his time to get to me(Oh god, he's savoring it!). "I don't care if you are a Peacekeeper-" Yep.

Someone's getting raped tonight.

"What you Hollow's did was disgusting-" Once again, I have absolutely no clue what Shirly here is talking about- "And you all need to repent for your sins." What- by giving him a quick BJ? "And I can only think of one to do that-" He slowly started to move his hand downward(Holy shit, I was just kidding when I said I was going to get raped!) to reach his Zanpakuto(Oh thank god.).

But I was soon on edge when he prepared to hold the butt of his sword to my forehead.

He wouldn't dare…

"Yes- I can see the recognition in your eyes… It is, indeed, Konso." Okay- while that was disconcerting(He'd be getting such an ass kicking when he contacted the superiors-), didn't explain why he was using it(Or attempting to use it, as last time I checked, I was a _Hollow_ , not a Plus-). "You might be thinking 'Well, that's all well and good, but I'm a Hollow, jack-ass'-" Huh.

That was exactly what I was thinking.

"-Well, Hollow scum, this isn't an ordinary Konso- it's the Jaakuna Tamashī no Maisō." Huh- massive name for something that was probably a dud. "And you're probably thinking it's a dud- well, just take a look." Taking out his electronic, he turned it into it's T.V. setting and made me watch it.

It was a recording in a small room, bereft of any light, save a small lightbulb over the head of some small Hollow(Couldn't tell who it was-), barely lighting it's frame, though it was complete with a mask and all I could tell. Then, a rather lanky Shinigami came up to said Hollow, and yelled rather loudly(Probably so those who watched the recording could know what it was he was working on-), "Jaakuna Tamashī no Maisō!" What came next both made me want to vomit, and want to literally erase any Shinigami I saw in the vicinity at the time(Which was just the douche- so sorry about what I'm going to do to ya when I get out of these restraints- wait, no I'm not!). When the butt end of the bastards sword reached the Hollows forehead, it started screaming bloody murder- the mask on it's face was actually _melting_ off it's head, and the hole on the middle of it's chest looked like it was trying to close itself forcibly, and looked like it was very painfully doing so, at an agonizingly slow rate. It went on for another 5 minutes or so, before the Hollow looked like(What I'm assuming-) what it did as Plus, and the regular process went on with what a regular Konso was supposed to do, except his Hollow went to Hell instead of back to the Rukongai(And something was telling me, that Hollow _should_ have went to the Rukongai, but that little technique had something to do with that-).

I was trying to glare a hole into the douche-bags head at this point(And failing, sadly- if only I were released…), when he finally shut off the video. "As you can see, it works perfectly well against Hollows, and if you were even more observant, you might know why that Hollow was sent to Hell-" Well, bastard answered that little problem. "And you can moan and bitch all you want about how Konsos or anything of the like have been forbidden from being used on Hollows, but, well- I don't really care right now, given what had just occurred hours before." Not like I knew what went down- but please, continue, your douchiness. "And I might get in trouble for doing this to a Peacekeeper, of all things, but I'm sure once they find out what happened, they'll find my reasons and actions justified." Doubt it- huh, I'm surprisingly calm for someone who is apparently about to be sent to Hell. Well, that might be because I have yet to really try to get out of my restraints, but still- "So say hello to the rest of your kind in Hell, Hollow-"

And now seemed like a good occasion to actually try to get out.

Snarling, I flared as much reiatsu as I could from my body, in the hopes of destroying the technique(You know- the way I usually get out of these things.) but was surprised to find that the only thing that changed was the rock on my back cracking a little on the bottom, and the bolts of iron moving out of my body a little bit.

"Not going to work- this technique is specifically made to hold things with massive amounts of reiatsu- you're not getting out of it." He made to draw his blade closer to my head. I closed my eyes.

 _Huh. So, this really is how things end-_ Six.

 _Pity. never wanted to die, nor be sent to Hell._ Five.

 _Haven't done most of what I wanted to accomplish with the years ahead of me._ Four.

 _Well, it's not like I will be missed anyway- not very popular… Especially with the ladies- who are my favorite gender._ Three.

 _Didn't get to see what this power did for me in the end, either- it was more a curse than anything, shooting my control into oblivion for more reiatsu, isn't a very good trade off, as I've realized._ Two.

 _Shit biscuit, the people reading this are the last to I'll ever communicate with- I could have done so much better! Oh well, better than no one, I suppose… Last time I died, it really WAS alone. Heh. Maybe I can repent for the sins I've made as a Hollow down there in the actual Hell._ One.

 _Alright, why is this damn sword taking so damn long to fucking reach me- it's been six seconds alrea-dy…_ Opening my eyes revealed that the world had stopped, including the blade that was to be my executioner. Everything was also hued with a blue outline. Alright, that was new-

" _ **Oh my- I didn't expect to have to intervene this early."**_ And so was the voice that was right on top of the rock that was on my back- should have noticed from the way the rock weighs more than it did before.

" _ **Are you saying I am fat?"**_ And was apparently female from the way they actually cared about their weight-

Ow- well, she just stomped on the rock. There goes my Lumbar and Thoracic spinal bones.


	4. So close, and yet too close

**Back again- once again. Don't own Bleach, blah blah blah don't own OC's except mine, blah blah blah, bewbs, blah blah blah- you get the gist of it by now, right? Good.**

 **Note: There will be an important afterword at the end of the chapter, I suggest you read it.**

"So, shot in the dark- anyway you could get off me and get this giant Easter island reject stone off my back?" The nice crunch my back made as the chica bounced up and down on said rock was a good indicator the answer was 'No'.

" _ **You're a strapping young man~ A rock such as this shouldn't be any trouble for one such as yourself."**_ The mystery woman giggled as I tried to push myself up. "Then would you at least GET THE FUCK OFF THEN?!" Seriously-

If she was going to bounce up and down, I'd prefer it to be in front of me so I could see her boobs bobbing too-

That is, if she had any to begin with(Hard to tell when you couldn't see the person-).

" _ **Oh- I have curves in all the right places, I assure you."**_ Great- now she was apparently hacking into my Google Doc's and reading the story before it was even posted on the Internet.

I am so reporting her-

" _ **Relax, I'm not a 'Hacker', I can just read minds- well, your's specifically anyway."**_ Wonder if she could read my deepest inner thoughts too-

" _ **By the by, I don't think most girls can bend that way."**_ That answered that question. "Alright, gonna ask the most obvious question on my mind right now-" " _ **36 D."**_ "Ok, my second most obvious question…" Uh, what was it?

Damn it, you try concentrating when a woman tells you her boob size willingly, and that it is your favorite cup size!

" _ **How can I read your mind?"**_ Ah, yes, that! " _ **It's fairly simple when we are connected like we are- the fact we are also in your mind so everything you think is open for anyone in here to hear is also a fairly big factor."**_ Connected?

Was I being mind fucked and didn't know it?

Wait, what was that about my mind?

Looking around confirmed we were at least not in Kyoto anymore(If the sword that used to be right about to kill me wasn't visible anymore was any indication, at least-). We were in what appeared to be some sort of worn down hall, mold in the corners, old grey paint chipping off the walls, floor boards broken every so few feet, flickering headlights on the ceiling that barely lit up the halls, and, curiously, dozens upon dozens of steel doors.

And then you had the giant rock that was STILL THERE sitting on my back(The cloth was still there too, but the bolts and slabs holding them down were missing.).

"THIS is my mind?" " _ **What can I say- your mind is in the gutters constantly."**_ I-

Can't argue with that.

"Then what's up with all the steel doors?" That was a bit concerning- were they all closets with skeletons in them?

Because I had enough closets in the non-fictional land with actual skeletons in them as is.

" _ **In due time, I am sure you'll figure it out."**_ Oh god- we're going on one of _those_ trips.

What is _those_? They are the trips every protagonist goes on to realize he/she has a hidden power in him/her that he/she never realized they had- otherwise known as cliche as shit field trips.

Were they actually called that- no, but they might as well should be.

"Hey, Spirit thing- can we skip the sob trip and just get on with the part where I get more power and kick the ass out of everyone?" " _ **Now where would the fun be in that?"**_ Uh, hello, what part of 'Kick the ever loving ass out of anyone I want' did you not understand? " _ **The part where I didn't get to see you struggle to maintain what little life you have left."**_ Cheeky little-

"What do I call you then, your majesty?" I looked up to see if I could see a glimpse of her, but all I could see still was grey stone(I'm not playing Minecraft damn it, get the stone out of my face!). " _ **Hm. I think Hikari-Sama should suffice for now."**_ Psycho Bitch it was, then.

"So, Psycho Bitch, what next?" " _ **Next, you are to go to the door at the end of the corridor."**_ It wasn't far- only about 30 feet in front of me. Although- "What about this-" I started to shake the rock that was on top of me by shaking my body.

" _ **What about it?"**_ Ah, fuck- I could hear more than feel the smug grin on her face. Karma was a bitch(Which is why I named everything Bitch, because they would come back to hit me in the crotch, sooner or later(Usually sooner than later-)-).

It took me a while, but after about an hour, I was able to lift myself up and move(The rock, as it turns out, stuck to me with the reiatsu the cloth was sapping from me, so I had to use pure power to walk with the massive rock on my back. I fell backwards and to the side more than once because I can't balance to save my life-) very slowly towards the door. Finally, after about 2 hours of staying inside my 'Mind', I reached the door.

" _ **About time we got here."**_ Would have been a lot faster without your fat ass on the rock- GAH! " _ **Did you seriously forget that I can hear everything in here?"**_ I grinned. No.

No I did not.

"So, uh, a little, dainty hand would be appreciated here." As I stared eye level with the knob on the door, I heard a little clap.

Mother fucker-

Grunting, I tried to get my mouth around the knob, but I wasn't a one dollar prostitute, so that idea quickly left my head. How on earth was I supposed to get the door to open when I had this cloth tying me up, and the giant rock on top of my back(Along with Psycho Bitch who was probably some lazy, fat broad hitching a ride- GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKER, MY BACK!)-

Cue lightbulb above my head.

" _ **Wait, WHAT?! Don't do that, I'll open the doo-"**_ "Too late for that, chica." I said as I backed up a couple feet, then rammed into the door- rock first(Or I should say, Psycho Bitch first- heheh.).

It worked, as the door flew open(Somehow NOT getting blown away at the hinges.) with, I'm sure, PB(Ima call her that from now on, because wasting the energy on her full name isn't going to cut it for me-) sailing far into the room, with me and Lieutenant Rock Hard(The rock on my back, as I shall now affectionately call it- hey, anyone who helps me get back at a person is A-OK in my books!) not far behind her. Though, as I crashed through the door, I looked at at it and the one word that was written on it made my eyes widen.

 _Oh fuck…_

Soon enough, me and Lt. Rock Hard fell to the ground(Me cushioning his fall, of course, because that's just what besties do- or so I tell myself…) further into the room than I was expecting. As soon as I had crashed down, I tasted the floor- finding it to be made from the same material I had forcibly eaten earlier in the day(Sand, for all you morons out there not keeping pace with the story.) . Looking around was fairly difficult(When you have someone as solid as Lt. Rock Hard on top of you, it's kind of hard to see anything.), but after some time, I lifted myself up again and took stock of everything around me.

We appeared to be in a dessert, with dark red colored sand everywhere, with rocks that would put Lt. Rock Hard to shame(Don't tell him I said that, though.) here and there. The sky also appeared to be in a perpetual sunset, with the orange from the sky cascading down to the land, basking everything in its glow. I, though, had something else in my mind-

"Why is everything in my mind so empty…" I was poking the ground with a sick at this point, with a depressed aura around me.

I wasn't that empty headed- right?

Right?!

" _ **Ugh…"**_ Looking to my immediate right, I saw a long trench cross the expanse of the Dessert, with a female figure at the end of it, ass in the air(This reminds me of that one story with the prostitute and the bannana- Long story short, she wasn't eating the bannana at the end of it... Or at least in the regular way of eating-).

I, being the ever generous person I was, decided to go and help her up.

Of course, not before I took a few photos for the scrapbook-

Hefting myself up(Or as up as one with a massive boulder on his back can 'up'-) I started the trek towards where she was. When I got there, though, she was not moving. So just to be sure she was alive, I did the obvious thing to do when someone thinks someone else is dead.

Poke them with a stick.

"Hey- you alive?" Damn it, the stick wasn't working- the stick always worked! Wonder if I poked her somewhere else if she would respond-

" _ **Hate you- hate you so much."**_ Well that answered that question. Standing up, I had to double check- yep, she was black.

But not in the 'God you racist faggot, racist jokes are so 2014' kind of black, but more the 'Holy shit, everything is black, have I gone blind' type of black. Literally, all I could she encompassing her form was black- she had feminine curves(No nipples, damn it!), but her whole figure was a startling, color devouring black.

To put it in laymen's terms, I hadn't seen so much black since the one time I went to KFC when they were having a sale.

"The fuck are you?" " _ **Not the most subtle person in the hood, are you?"**_ Nope.

I was blunter than the blunt I hit up this morning(Damn, I could go for some kush right now.).

" **She is the reason you are here, that is all you need to know."** So douchebag Number 2 decides to enter the fray- pity he sounded male. I would love to see an actual woman who had actual assets I could shamelessly look at.

"Are you he locksmith I ordered to get this giant ass rock off my back?" I turned in the voice's direction. " **Locksmith? The- locksmiths don't do that!"** "Oh yeah? Then what do they do, smart ass?" Ha!

Got him good.

" **They** _ **smith locks**_ **you blundering buffoon!"** Yeesh- the voice is testy today it would seem. " **It matters little of your low IQ anyhow-"** Oh, so the voice is getting hippity now, too? " **We are here today to judge you for your actions."** Oh god- those Jehovah's Witnesses said the same thing after they visited my Barracks that one time-

Probably didn't help that I had cut off one of their members legs, and then shoved him inside their mailbox with 'Athiestz Rul!' written on the sides.

" **See! This is what we are talking about! Not only do you take part in these deprived actions befitting a beast with not even a** _ **fraction**_ **of your actual unparalleled intelligence, you go off on tangents like those that have no relevance whatsoever to ANYTHING!"** Gah! Big words hurt Mu's brain!

" **It's with that in mind, that we do what we are about to do with little regret-"** Fuck, out of the rape, and into the orgy- " **Oh for the love of- I am not going to rape you! In part because of how you look-"** Understandable. " **The other part being that's her job soon enough, not mine-"** Taking a glance behind me to where he pointed, I saw the same female from before, but she had her head down while kneeling on the ground directly behind me, looking solemn.

" **Alright, I think it's time for the ritual."** Suddenly, a figure appeared in front of me when I looked back to the voice. He was garbed in a Shinigami Shihakushō(Which already started to set off alarms in my head- which I could hear right in my ear as we were already there. Ouch.), stood about 5'9(Hard to tell when you were crouched down with a boulder blocking things from view-), and had red spiky hair that flowed down onto his face in the form of two bangs framing his head. The sword on his hip looked strangely familiar, though-

" **Byakurai."** He held his hand towards my face(No! My second money maker after my ass!) and shot the lightning off at, not my face surprisingly, but my lower body(Gah- my first money maker!). Luckily, he wasn't aiming for either, as the lightning missed my head and just cut through the fabric on my back(What a way to get a back waxing- minus the large scorch mark on there now, obviously.), acting as scissors to cut the thing off me, along with the boulder attached to it.

"Man- my back is aching me after that!" Twisting and turning, I cracked my aching back as I stood to my full height. " **Now, with that out of the way- Mangetsu! The track!"** Looking back at the girl, I was surprised to see she had gained some color(Or, lost it, depending on your definition… Or preference-). Standing at an even 6 foot, she was now wearing a flowing midnight Uchikake kimono with the sleeves covering her hands. The kimono, itself, looked surreal as if it in and of itself was the night sky, stars flickering on and off the formal wear, with a perpetual moon casting it's light onto the entirety of the stars. Her face was regal, with big brown eyes gazing over at me in no small amount of surprise(And, strangely, joy, probably meaning she wants the D. About time too, because no girl has wanted the D… Ever-), and her hair flowed down, almost to the floor and some bangs flowed onto her face as well- the same color as her dress strangely enough.

" _ **You- you can hear my name?"**_ She sounded really hopeful- no matter how much she tried to hide that little tidbit. Not understanding what was going on at all anymore, I just decided to do what I do to any woman who starts to speak to me(Unless it's about smex-).

I nodded my head and agreed with whatever she said.

She clasped her hand over her mouth, and I could see tears starting to appear, even from here. She seemed to steel herself, though, as she just puffed up and took out a boombox(Shit, the things people hide up there asses these days. Though glancing down told me she could have hidden that somewhere else- huehue!) and clicked the 'Play' button.

 _ **I just had sex! And it felt so goooooood!**_

"..."

" **... Wrong track, Man-"**

" _ **I know it's the wrong track!"**_ " **... That track for after you two-"** " _ **Fuck you, Esin!"**_ She snapped at the Douche as she clicked 'Rewind' and then clicked 'Play', playing some of the most cliche ominous music I have ever heard(And I know what I am talking about- I've watched Final Destination.).

" **Mu Setsumei Uxukie!"** "Yo." " **... Right, anyway- You have been judged to be too violent, crude, and overall psychotic to be allowed-"** I raised my hand. "Question-" He stared at me intently for a second before face palming. " **Why do I have to deal with- YES?!"** "Judged by who, exactly?" Reasonable question, in my opinion. He just looked at me like I was the biggest moron on the face of this plane.

" **By us, you ignoramus. Back on track-"** Raised my hand again. " **Fucking hell- what?!"** "Who are you, exactly?" Again, fairly reasonable question. " **Oh, I forgot to introduce myself- I am none of your fucking business and over there is my associate SHUT THE HELL UP!"** "But, I thought your name was Esin and her name was Mangetsu-" " **WHY DID YOU ASK WHO WE ARE IF YOU ALREADY KNOW?!"** Foam was producing at the corners of his mouth. "I didn't so much as mean your names, but more who the hell are you to judge me?" " **None of your beeswax, that's who. Now, back onto the-"** I had another question again. " **FUCK IT! WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE YOUR DAMN HOLLOW ABILITIES THE HARD WAY!"**

Take my what now?

"Excuse me? Take my powers?" " **YES! And oh, am I going to fucking** _ **enjoy**_ **it!"** Haha- yeah, no dice. I've been in my mind before, and I knew for a fact I could do this without having to call out my release command. "Teradoraibu." Kicking my foot out like I was kicking a can, sand started to surround Douche(My new name for Enis, or whatever his name was- oh yeah! It was Douche now!) in a dome like fashion, fully encasing him in the stuff. Walking towards the sphere, I stuck my hand into it, then clenched it. Immediately, the sand hardened into something that would put even a diamond's hardness to shame. Then it was only a matter of taking my hand out, and chopping through the air.

I didn't need to be inside to know that the dome started to shrink as spikes of the same substance went crazy in the interior to make my opponent look no different from Swiss cheese(Damn, I'm hungry now. Time to take the babe and-)

The dome soon exploded outwards, as I had to look twice at what I saw.

He was walking towards me, dusting off his shoulders as he did so. But what caught my attention, was the vials at his hip filed with viscous substances, his increase in height by about 2 or 3 inches, and the not so subtle mask that he had slipped onto his face, looking vaguely like some animal I just couldn't figure out the name of.

That- That douche nozzle stole my Resurreccion!

I was seeing red. "You, motherfucker! Where do you get off stealing MY-" He had flashed forward(I heard the telltale signs of Sonido, but he had hit the ground before he came at me, so it had to have been Shunpo- my senses must have just been played with!) and grasped my neck in his hand. " **What- YOUR resurreccion? Please, you can't use it half as good as I can!"** He snorted as I opened my mouth and shot out an orange cero straight into his smug face.

Sadly, he didn't seem too perturbed by it, but his grasp weakened enough for me to get out of it. "How dare you." I whispered in absolute rage. "Me and her, we are comrades- FRIENDS! SHE WOULD NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO WIELD HER- IT'S AS LIKELY AS ME THROWING HER AWAY! IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!" I shouted at him as I materialized my sword and flipped it around in my grasp.

I hadn't been this angry in- in- ever!

"I'll show you how to use her, you heathen!" Pointing my sword(The pointy one, not the fun one… Wait, that could be either-) at the area above my pelvis, I stabbed it forward, screaming "TRANSMOGRIFY, Alquimista!" Though I had seen the sharp glint in Douchebag's eyes and Mangetsu's head lower a bit too late.

Agonizing, is one word I could use to describe the way it felt to have a part of one's soul being forcibly ripped out of them- probably hurts more than it should too, what with me being only a Soul in the first place. Still, hurt like a mother fucker, and not a single word in my vocabulary could describe it(And that's the physical part- never mind the agony I was in mentally, knowing my very _soul_ was now incomplete, more than likely to forever be scarred.).

"Alquimista… W-Why?" I cried for the first time since dieing as I laid helplessly on the sand, not able to muster the strength to get up- honestly, I was surprised I even had enough strength to live. " **Alquimista agreed with us on this."** Looking over I saw Esin bend and pick up the very sword which used to hold all my powers, and had then absorbed whatever I had in myself not a minute before. Glaring, I wasn't letting this go- I either died fighting, or not at all(And with the way my sorry ass was now, I was going to die soon anyway.). Somehow filled with more energy than before, I lifted my hand that still had the blood from my sacrifice to Alquimista, and gathered up as much energy I could(Which was a surprising amount, apparently, as the sound surrounding me flew away instantly when I set the attack to go off-).

"Taste the power of the Espada, Prick-" I hissed at him as he looked down at me in pity- I didn't need that DAMN IT! "GRAN RAY CERO, ASS HAT!"

…..

No, fucking, way-

"You've got to be kidding me-" I was in shock as I looked at my palm. There was energy- Reiatsu- in it, it just wouldn't come out- no, not even that. I was able to force it out, it just wouldn't… _do_ what I intended it to. I can only think of one reason for that-

" **Yes. You are correct- I didn't only take your Resurreccion. I took the entirety of your** _ **Hollow**_ **powers as well."** That- no- this had to be some kind of nightmare! My Hollow powers? "You- You are lying. I'd be dead if that were true." I turned one wide eye in his direction. " **To a normal Hollow? Yes, this would kill."** Normal? Oh god no! " **Yes. But** _ **you**_ **aren't a normal Hollow, are you? You took up that offer, and now you are going to pay the consequences for it!"** No… No, not like this- all those years, _decades_! Spent training to become the best- only to be shot down the drain as soon as some- some _Shinigami_ (This wasn't a Shinigami, if not a normal one at least. The mask he had before and him using my Resurreccion proved otherwise-) upstart comes along and decides I'm not _worthy_ of my powers?!

The deal he's talking about? Well, remember when I acted like some child who received his christmas presents 364 days early(On a leap year, obviously-) back in Chapter 2? Yeah- that might of had something to do with it.

 **Flashback(Because plot!)!**

" _So, how long exactly am I going to have to stand here waiting for this person?" I asked the cloaked figure of the person who didn't want to Tea and Chill(Blasphemy, I know, but I needed her.)._

" _I'd think only a little longer." Yeah, I'd be compelled to believe that- if you hadn't said the same thing 15 minutes ago._

 _The fact you had also just tried to kill me in that same amount of time ago never crossed my mind(Insert sarcasm here.)._

" _So, what's this little deal you said he had for me?" I had taken to staring at things around me(COUGH bewbs COUGH COUGH) in boredom by now. "I cannot say, he did not give me the details before I came here." Of course he didn't-_

" _Ah, sorry I'm runnin' late, but- things, you know?"_

 _Finally- someone that speaks my language(Stupid, if you all wanted to know.)!_

" _I can totally agree with that." I nodded my head sagely as I could have sworn I heard a "Dear god, another one-" come from BewbsMcBoobsalot. "Oooh- I like this one already." The figures grin grew bigger. "Why are you here? Where's-" "Him? He got held up, so I came in his stead. Now-" He turned to me. "You look mighty Strappin', if I do say so myself- no homo, of course." Stupidity? Compliments? And now Cock Blocking? I love this new guy!_

" _You look quite fit yourself, I can safely say I would love a chance to play with you- no homo, though." He nodded, seeming to understand that. "Yes, but we are here for other matters, I'm afraid-" He glanced at BewbsMcBoobsalot. "Got the required sample, I assume?" She nodded stiffly. "Excellent, Booby-Hime!" Cue eye twitch. "And you old him of the deal, too, hmmmmmm?" She stood rigid at that._

" _Unfortunately, no- I was not given the details that entail it before I had been sent." Bestie(As I will now refer to him as-) 'tsked' as he wagged his finger. "Now, now, Booby-Hime, that just won't do- we here at Arrancar enterprises pride ourselves with our knowledge of everything and everyone… You not knowing just won't do." I saw the way he was reaching for his sword, and the way BewbsMcBoobsalot started to sweat, so I intervened. "Now, now, Bestie-" This got some eyebrows raised. "I'm sure BewbsMcBoobsalot is a naughty, naughty girl-" This got a muffled laugh and an intense glare. "But you save her punishments to me from now on, ya? I'll be sure to administer it strictly… And often." I added as he didn't look too convinced, though his perpetual grin grew as I added that last one._

" _Isn't that right, BewbsMcBoobsalot?" I threw her a wink, and she, stunned, nodded. He hummed, satisfied. "Alright, now that that is cleared up- on to the deal." Somehow, his grin grew bigger(Seriously, I like Bestie and all, but even I have limits- and they are people that grin a lot apparently.). "It's rather simple, really." He pulled a little storm colored object from his pocket. "Touch this, and you'll gain power only in your wildest dreams." Sounds good-_

' _What's the catch?" "Ah, yes, the catch-" He rubbed the back of his head. "I'm not sure- didn't expect to get this far." … Seriously? "Um, you'll lose what's most treasured to you? That sound good?"_

 _Sounded good enough to me-_

 **Flashback END(I didn't actually think he was serious!)!**

Some would say it's ironic that I gain power, only to lose the ability to use said power-

I say it's horse shit(But that's just me-).

" **To be honest, Alquimista has wanted this to happen for a while, but doing so would have killed you before- but now was the perfect time to do this, as you either died from that Konso, or die from this- perfect situation!... For us, anyway."**

Glare.

" **We have all been watching how you fight- and I can say you fight more dangerously than a drunk chicken with a rifle."** Hey, it still produces results- " **No, it doesn't- you can get even better results from fighting with caution- elegance. Not the animalistic way you charge head on to enemies, trying to cut them up but fail as you get cut open yourself. Alquimista did not like that one bit."** He glared down at my form in disgust. " **Not to mention the fact that being a Hollow, your mentality is greatly hampered by both your instincts and your past meals. She is none too pleased with you- no one likes being swung around like some club; not to mention the fact you barely activated her- even for opponents you wouldn't have been able to beat without her! So as punishment, she decided that leaving you with only the power of your own sword-"** Here he threw a regular katana at my feet- " **would do you some good- discipline, and what not. So as of now, we are leaving you under your own power- no Hollow healing to get you out this time though, so be warned."**

At this point, I just wanted this Douche to shut up, so picking up the sword I ran with the little energy I had left in me from today's events, and tried to slash at him. He grabbed my wrist however, and broke it, causing me to grunt and drop my sword(Fuck, that was also the wrist Jill was situated on- no relieving myself after today I guess… Wonder if Mangetsu would do it for me-).

Looking at my wrist only confirmed that I no longer held my Hollow regeneration as the damn thing just stayed to the side like every other broken wrist ever. " **See now? What you have been told is the truth- you no longer are as powerful as you once were, and you most certainly don't hold the same powers as before, making you have to think twice before rushing in on an opponent like some brute."** "The only thing I'm gonna think twice about, is about how much I'm about to bust a cap in yo ass!" Flipping over his head, I shoved my knee into his shoulder, causing him to drop down to his knees as I grabbed my sword with my other hand, and was about to do something I would _immensely_ enjoy, but he turned at the last second and threw me in front of him.

Grabbing my sword, he easily broke in into pieces(No- my cap!) and then lifted me off the ground, turned me around, and kicked me(Ah! My ass- both the things I wanted to use against him!) to the other side of the desert. " **What the hell are you hoping to accomplish with this pathetic attack- you're just doing the same thing you always have, and that's the reason you are unable to fight fully! Give up!"** He finally yelled in my face after walking over to me and lifting me up once again.

I spat blood in his eye.

Not the best option, considering the fact I had a broken wrist, sore butocks, and absolutely no energy whatsoever to speak of, but I knew the game already- even being in it for as little as I have been.

" **What are you talking about?"** He narrowed his eyes.

I chuckled(Kind of felt like I was laughing in the face of death there- oh wait, I was.) as I looked at him head on with an equally piercing gaze of my own. "I'm not stupid- I may have acted it before, but I was still incredibly intelligent when it came down to it. And now that my head is even clearer than it was before- it's all coming together for me. You CAN'T kill me. So if I can't be killed-" I threw a punch at his head with my broken wrist. "-Then why should I STOP?!"

I probably shouldn't have said that, as he just grabbed my hand and crushed it in his palm(No- not Jill!).

" **I'll applaud you for figuring that much out, but you seem to be under the impression that I can't harm you either- which is totally wrong if the way I just crushed your precious masterbating hand-** (Hey! She has a name you know!)- **is any indication."** "You're sadly mistaken- I know you can harm me, but you're gonna have a hard time surviving this and making sure I don't die in the process!" Using my not broken hand, I wiped some blood off the corner of my mouth with my thumb, then tearing off my shirt I drew a hollow(Puns- HA!) circle over where my heart would be and sent all the energy I could into the same organ.

" **The fuck are you-"** His eyes widened as he realized what I was about to do.

It wasn't a very known fact, but if a Soul(I used to think it was only just Hollows, but if I was still able to do it now, it meant that just about anyone and their monkey could do it-) were to send enough Reiatsu into their heart, after the heart absorbed some amount of blood through the skin over the heart, the heart would pump blood excessively, causing the body to implode(Not very hard to figure out why no one knew about it- considering the fact that anyone who DID find out would be nothing more than a bloody smear on the ground.). The more Reiatsu you put into the organ, the more wider and damaging the explosion, but also the more blood that must be sacrificed in order to utilize it.

I came across it by accident when during my first time(AKA The Raping Hour as I refer to it, fondly-) some blood had made it's way to my chest, and during the… Festivities, I was leaking Reiatsu everywhere- long story short, that poor prostitute wouldn't be seeing the light of day again(Before you ask, no, I didn't pay her to rape me, she came onto me… God damn innuendos-)

Miraculously, I had survived(More than likely because of my Regeneration- which, even by Hollow standards, was always freakish.). Though considering that I was now without those powers, well-

It was a one way ticket to being a blood stain on the ground.

I mean, he could stop me, but- if their was one thing I was quick at, it was sex.

… Oh, and also blowing myself up- that too.

" **Shit! The fucker actually made himself into a time bomb!"** Well, if the way he was panicking was anything to go by- he COULDN'T stop me it seems. " _ **It's amazing how quickly you can go from being so introspective to such a retard in about .56 seconds flat."**_ Mangetsu said dryly, directly behind me, probably going to fuck this up-

"Hey, um, unless you're gonna give me a reach around, can you _not_ touch me?" It was worth a shot(On both the account of me getting a HJ before I die, and also to _let_ me die.). " _ **Sure!"**_ Wait what?

"AH! My Willy!" I screamed as she reached around in my pants and grabbed a hold of my mini sword. " _ **Hm. For all the cracks you take at yourself, and the derogative comments you make- you have a surprisingly-"**_ My eyes widened in horror as I was shut off my source of energy, causing my orifices to start bleeding so that the extra blood that wasn't supposed to be there could escape my overfilled body. " _ **-Large dick and incredible amount of intelligence… Not to mention a weirdly absurd amount of humility when it comes to the fairer sex."**_

"How-" I grit my teeth as she took her hand out of my pants(That was unwelcome- she could still be doing her ministrations while I asked my question damn it!). "How do you both have such control over my powers?!" The one in front of me blinked. " **I had thought you figured it out, and that was why- oh ho! I see what you did there you little minx-"** "Not a minx, you flamboyant, saucy little ass kissing piece of LGBT community walking advertisement." " **... Right, not even going to try to seem like I understood any of that- you bluffed your way into giving yourself enough time to try to blow yourself to smithereens! Keyword being 'tried' there-"** He started to laugh as he threw me to the ground.

"... Wasn't it your lady friend who stopped me, while you were about to panic like a chicken with it's head cut o-" " **Shut up! I could have handled it!"**

" _ **No you couldn't."**_

" **Shut up Getsu!"** He turned around to glare at her, which I then took as my cue to get the hell out of dodge before they decide to steal the rest of my Reiatsu(Or worse- have Douchebag go on another monologue!). Popping up faster than a deprived old man could after seeing a female only nude beach, I high tailed it as quickly and quietly as I could as those two started a conflict on whether he could have stopped me or not-

He couldn't have, is the correct answer.

Seeing the door that could(Probably maybe possibly highly doubtfully-) get me out, I ran full sprint towards it, though doing so caused the other beings in this wasteland to notice me finally. " **Shit! He ran away when you decided to go on your tangent!"** " _ **MY tangent?! You're the Douche Pickle who decided to argue with me about- Gah! Screw you! I need to catch him before he escapes!"**_ Her bit done, she started to come after me(And considering I can't use my main speed technique, but she could, meant I was in for a bad time soon.) with at least quadruple the speed I was going.

Cursing, I kicked up a huge amount of my Reiatsu(Yeah, her noticing me apparently broke her concentration on whatever the hell it was that blocked my Reiatsu-), causing sand to go flying everywhere. However, looking back showed she just plowed through it all. Thinking of something else(Got this from an Anime-), I took off my footwear, turned around, stopped, and shoved them into her face. Sadly, that seemed to do little better, as when I took off again, she shook her head to clear it(Or to try to understand my reasoning for literally shoving my shoes up her nose-) and then took off after me again, this time even closer to me then before.

"Fuck! That didn't do shit! Oh yeah- because she knows what the fuck I'm gonna do before I do! Damn cheating entities-" " _ **I heard that."**_ She tackled me to the ground, already catching my fist before it could even form an actual fist. I need to do something dras-

Fuck it.

"Hey, ever heard of the Chinese?" " _ **Yes."**_ "The Japanese" " _ **Yes, yes I have, now-"**_ "The dirty knees?" " _ **The what-"**_ "Then look at these!" Mentally sighing at the further exposure of my dick to this psycho, I unzipped my pants and whipped out the thing that only Jill had touched before. " _ **Oh- Oh my."**_ She suddenly looked down at it and started to become flush in the cheeks.

Now!

Kicking her off me, I made a mad sprint to the door(I waddled like a penguin the first few seconds trying to get my fly zipped up-), and finally made it-

BANG!

Slowly opening my eyes, it appeared that I was once again out in the real world, minus Douche 1 and the Lt. Rock Hard(Awwwww- I wanted to beat Douche over the head with him!). Looking up though made my eyes widen as I soon found my missing friend on a one way trip to squishing me-

Rolling out of the way(Just in case that weird vision was indeed true-), I watched as the building I was on collapsed as Lt. Rock came down and crashed through all the floors on a collision course to the first one. I almost followed as when I tried to stand on air, I found myself having difficulties as it wouldn't do- what- I - WANTED!

"Damn it! It was real!" Clenching my fists, I unzipped my pants to make sure it really was true. "Shit." My Hollow hole wasn't there- which meant I really was SOL. And even with my shit sensing skills, I could still feel the Reishi gathering above me.

Looking up confirmed it was Douchebag 1, and he looked both stunned, and pissed(The more he thought about it, he got more stunned, but as he got more stunned, he became more pissed, and as he got pissed he tried to make sense of things- it was a vicious cycle!).

"I don't know how you escaped the strongest Bakudo in existence- but if I can't kill you that way, I'll just settle with the old fashion one!" He started to charge up for an attack, and considering I couldn't heal for jack shit, I wasn't going to be in the blast radius when he unleashed it.

Thinking about it, I sent as much Reiatsu as my legs could handle and sprinted out of there(I could probably make some form of speed technique with… Whatever the hell it is my Reiatsu is made of now-).

"Tenma Shiryo Gama!" Looking behind from where I was running across the sunset sky over the city, I saw him point his glowing white sword at me(Whenever something is glowing, or white, and is pointed at you- you know your day is about to get worse- just ask all those natives from when Columbus came over to have a tea party… I'm being told he was indeed NOT British, so ixnay that last part.) and soon enough, the largest amount of white I had ever seen came soaring at me(Trust me, I know white- I've been to Woodstock before.).

Trying to avoid it was out of the question- the blast was too massive in diameter to try and dodge(Not to mention the fact that I don't think all those hoomahns down below would appreciate being turned into fish sticks-), couldn't exactly backhand it either(Well, I could- but I prefer my hand where it is thank you.), couldn't out run it as it was, again, too massive(Plus the fish stick thing too, to an extent-), so I was quickly running out of options-

" _ **Use your sword you idiot before you die!"**_

Ah, hell- that voice isn't what I wanted to hear before I die.

" _ **JUST USE IT YOU DUNCE!"**_

Yeesh, chica needs to take a chill pill- " _ **AND YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT YOUR FUCKING SWORD BEFORE YOU DIE!"**_ Gah! My ear! If you hadn't noticed voice in my head that isn't the usual fun(And insane-) ones, the prick broke the sword you gave to me- " _ **That wasn't your replacement sword, you dolt- NOW FUCKING SUMMON IT!"**_ Man, first my sword get's downgraded, and now the voices in my head get a- " _ **YOU FUCKER, JUST DO IT!"**_

Tired of her shit, I decided to give it a shot… Er-

How do I do this exactly?

" _ **For fucks sake-"**_

It seemed she was also tired of my shit, as the sword she was talking about just up and appeared in my hand a few milliseconds later. It was a weird mixture between an Ōdachi and a Zanbatō(It had the Ōdachi's massive length(No homo.) and a Zanbatō's large girth(Again, no homo.)-), with what looked like brown paper towel covering it's blades entirety. There was no guard, and it's handle(That was about a foot and a half in length-) was cushioned with padding of some sort(Maybe it was feathered… Or jellied, I could go for some food right now-), and had four differently colored ribbons hanging off the edge of it. One was colored Black, another Blue, another White, and the other Red(Weird color palette-)- strangely enough, they weren't all the same length, as the black one seemed long enough to fit around my arm, while the blue and white one were just about a foot, maybe an inch or two longer, while the red one was, at best, 4 inches long.

It didn't take a genius(Of which I am-) to figure out what that meant.

Though I find it a bit hypocritical that they talk about me needing grace and elegance, and then give me a sword that was longer than I was tall, and weighed probably about 5 of me-

" _ **BEAM- WHITE- STOP NOW PLEASE!"**_ The hell are you expecting me to do about it- the only difference between a second ago and now is that I have a massive sword! " _ **Just charge your Reiatsu into it and hope for the best- hurry!"**_ Ah, fuck!

If I had to rely on luck to save me, I was already boned then.

Looking at it showed the beam hadn't moved much from it's original position from when she started to talk to me- so time had slowed down as we were talking? I could have just fucking used this time to run away from the damn thing then!

Sighing as there really wasn't any more options left to me if I wanted to live, I started to gather Reiatsu through my body, slowly leaking it into my blade(I learned from past experiences that shoving all the Reiatsu you could into a soul weapon causes various results- all of them leading to me missing an arm for a while.), and I was pleasantly surprised when the blade started to glow an ominous dark blue.

This was going to hurt.

Hopefully it wouldn't be me getting hurt-

Time restarted itself and the beam of light was on me in an instant, however, I was ready(I think-) this time. Roaring, I swung my blade into his attack, halting both the beam and my sword in the process.

Gritting my teeth, I tried to push the beam away from me and any innocents, but the damn thing wouldn't move anymore than I had already moved it(Which is to say- not much.). "I'll kill you, and any other Hollows that get in my way of avenging the Captain!" I managed to hear that little tid bit before the wave of power got even stronger and pushed me back until I crashed into a building behind me.

Capain? But he himself was a Captain, who the hell could he be-

The Captain Commander.

But, what about him? Suddenly, all he has done made sense to me now. And as that hit me, so did the sudden disappearance of those missing Hollows-

They went rogue and killed the Captain Commander.

Oh, that is so not coral.

Grunting as the attack got even MORE powerful and slammed me against the building even further, I uped the ante by sending more Reiatsu into my blade- but then the weirdest thing happened.

My blade was slowly gaining more and more leverage against his attack, but I wasn't sending any more power into it- not only that, but his attack seemed to be getting _weaker_. Soon enough, I was able to get out of the imprint I left in the building and start slowly walking towards where he was at, pushing and shoving the beam away from me.

Oh, you know I was going to milk this ability to it's fullest.

Like a cow named Moo(Setsumei Uxukie-).

Grinning now, I used my sword to bat aside the beam into the sky, causing it to explode a good distance above me. I so enjoyed the look on his face when that happened too(I would enjoy it more, if it was planted firmly into the ground with a foot on the back of it-). "Let's say we get this party started in here."

And so the party started.

One ass kicking later(Followed by an interrogation sess with ya boy, Uxukie-) I was on my way to the building I had been into earlier. Who would have thought that almost getting annihilated would bring me closer to where I needed to go?

Not me, that's for damn sure-

Looking at it, I'm surprised I had hit it- it wasn't the tallest building in the world, and from the altitude I was at before, there was no way I should have even grazed the roof. So apparently this building thinks it's top shit with magic- some Hogwarts knock off more like it.

Wow- if all that my jokes encompass are like that last one, I will really miss being insane.

The building was just , maybe, barely 2 stories high, flat roof, grey paint peeling off everywhere, windows rattled looking, a few were shattered, and the twin doors to enter the place looked about ready to fall off the hinges. It looked as shitty as my mind-

Wow, that is a depressing thing to have to admit.

Grabbing the handle on the door, I tried to push it it open, only to have it come crashing down onto the floor behind it.

Well okay then.

Walking through the narrow hallway leading into the building, it looked as much as it did on the outside- decrepit, old, and grey. Getting to the end of the hall, there was another door, which I prepared to open.

Really should have figured that all the doors in this place would just fall to the floor.

Walking into the room after the hall, it was, again, like the rest of the building(As decrepit and old as my great aunt.). The only difference was that instead of tiles like the hall, there were floorboards. Looking around the room, it was large- as large as the building was wide. And there was nothing at all in here- except a pair of stairs that looked suspiciously new- no, not new, but more… Used recently.

Which was weird, as only I and a select few people should even know of the existence of this place, the ones who were in contact with _him_ to be exact-

My pupils dilated as my eyes widened in fury.

THOSE BITCHES!

I couldn't have ran up the stairs faster even if I had my old powers.

Stopping at the beginning of the new room at the top of the building, it looked exactly like the hall inside my mind- dozens upon dozens of doors spreading out farther than I could see. The only exception to that would be the figure at the end of the hall that I could barely see from all the way across the way.

Even still, I knew who it was-

"ORACION!" I roared as I materialized my sword and ran towards her, hoping to slice her in half. When I got far enough, I jumped into the air, twisted, and sent me and my blade on a course for Oracion-

CLANG!

"Now, now, that's no way to greet your 'Espada'-" She chastised as she threw me off her, and I landed in a kneel not far from her, panting in my rage. "You and those other two- you used me!" She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Please explai-" "DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW! Every time I was in a brawl ever since that deal, one of you three have been watching me! You wanted to see how I did, and if I was as powerful as _HE_ thought I would be! You watched me fight Afro, when I was at my best- after I had my full power, Karrie was there to witness my fight with Kol after I had done nothing but fight in the last 24 hours of that day, Kayo was there in my tent after my powers _somehow_ failed to work, to see how good I was when injured- you ass hats used me to see if I would be any good to your BOSS!" I practically spat at her as I panted to catch my breath.

She seemed both pleasantly surprised and weirdly like she had just eaten something rotten. "You figured it out then, did you? I must applaud that, though- you weren't supposed to figure that out yet, but you somehow did- impressive. Oh well- it matters little, we'll just have to adjust the plan-" "Was it in your plan to _kill_ the Captain Commander as well?" She actually smiled at that. "Ah, that you WERE supposed to find out- but yes. It was." She turned to the door behind her. "You realize that as a Peacekeeper, it's my job to put you down for your crimes against the undead race, right?" She glanced behind her to see me. "Somehow, I'm not scared of that thought." She looked back at the door and crossed her arms while holding her chin in her hand.

"Do you know what this door is?" Of course I didn't, otherwise I'd have gotten here years earlier than it took me to get to this damn hermit architecture- "This door- if you believe it- holds the capability of taking one to another dimension." Okay, even me when I was insane would have thought you fell off the sanity cloud and hit the 'Coo-Coo' tree.

And then continued down to hit every branch the tree had.

"I know it seems unlikely, but this door; no, every door here-" She gestured behind her to every door the hall held. "Holds the power to send one off to an alternate Universe where, they more than likely don't exist. I, myself, have only gone into one of these doors- the one you see in front of me." She reached out with her right hand and touched the door gently(Oh, what, anytime I touch one it goes on to crush my toe, but she touches one and it's like she's fucking Jesus Christ- shenanigans! I call shenanigans!). "That day changed me- me and so many others that day." Okay, starting to get creepy now(I wouldn't be surprised if she started to make out with that damn- oh, wait, said it too early.)- "There is, however, a price for going into a Universe that you do not belong too- but I digress, that is up to you to figure out." Grabbing the door handle, she pulled the door open, but all I could see on the other side was nothing but black(Gah- give me back the white, the black burns!) as she stepped up to it.

Turning around she waved at me. "See you on the other side, MooMoo!" And with that she was gone and the door slammed shut. I- what? How- I am so confused right now! So I'll scream the sanest thing ever!

"LOUD NOISES!"

Because sometimes, noises aren't enough to get the point across.

 **Okay, so the story is coming up on 5 chapters, and the views are also coming up on 100(Not sure if it's 100 different people, or just one really loyal fan who has absolutely no life reading it over and over 100 times-), so I decided to do something special for the occasion.**

 **Be grateful you ingrates.**

 **As you know, I like my chapters long, and I suddenly thought 'Gee, I'll be nice and read the next chapter for them?' so when I get the next chapter done, I will be holding a TinyChat(Or something, I don't know if TC is good for that shit-) to commemorate, where I will hand(Or, typed?) read the newest chapter.**

 **You might be thinking 'Oh no, but I don't know when the date is, or what the fuck TinyChat even is!' well don't worry, you little fuck, before the TC, I will post when, and where this will be happening under the 5h chapter, and keep it there for 24 hours before the time of the chat.**

 **This will take a while, as not only do I need to figure out TC(Dang nab young folks and their con founded online machines-), I need to write the next chapter, and find a job, so this probably won't happen this month.**

 **Be aware for the post of my fifth chapter, and have a nice whatever the fuck time it is right now for you.**


	5. Meh- needs work

**Okay, so bad news everyone- between my shitty internet, my shitty laptop, and my shitty self, I was unable to figure out how I was going to live read the chapter(Don't feel too sad about it though, I was going to prank you all and read an Omake anyway.).**

 **So instead of that, I decided to do two things: One, on my profile there is a poll up to determine who MooMoo-Senpai will fight at the end of this Arc- and not the shit fights I've been posting either, this fight will be the length of the entire chapter- so you have that to look forward to, meat fags- I mean bags!**

 **The second, and more important of the two, is that I am going to be releasing my NEW STORY up much earlier then I had anticipated(You guys were going to have to wait until about chapter 10 to read it, I believe-), and that very story will be posted up either tomorrow or Monday. So these are the consolation prizes boys; read them and masturbate to your hearts content- I know I will.**

 **Oh yeah, and like always, visit The World of Bleach RPG and make an account to see good old MooMoo-Senpai in real life- happy trails, meat fags~**

So there I was- alone, panting angrily at myself as the girl that deceived me left, nonplused about the whole situation.

Seemed like just another night after sex-

But it wasn't. I had just been fucked sideways(Again, seemed like just another night to me-); my life turned on it's axis as I had lost my powers; the only solace other than my left han- I mean Jill- in this world.

I don't think I have ever been so livid before- no, livid wasn't good enough a word to describe my rage. Actually there probably wasn't a word out there that could describe it- so I'll make a new one!

Enlividated.

… It's a work in progress.

Anywho, it would appear that I am stuck in a sticky situation; I have one of two options: Follow her into what could very likely be my impending doom, or walk away and never look back at the very creepy doors that I swear are staring at me if I didn't know better.

I could have gone with option three, which was use Jill to her fullest(Because what other uses does she have other than pleasuring me? None, that's what-), but currently she was away visiting her aunt flow.

Don't ask me how that works, I'm just as confused as hell as you all are.

Now, usually, I'd easily go with option 1, and go to beat the shit out of her after I found her(The phrase of 'Don't hit a girl' went down the toilet the minute I lost my 'Sword'- the literal one, and not the one stuffed in my pants right now.), but now that I had a minute to think and ponder my situation, I was having second thoughts.

Oracion was obviously stronger than I remembered her, if that imposing Reiatsu I had felt from her before was any indication, and who knew HOW powerful the entities on the other side of that door(If there really was another side to the door- I was still skeptical she didn't use a Garganta to try and 'Punk' me.) were, and what with me losing the only powers I knew how to use, going through that door wasn't a very bright idea.

" _ **You should go."**_ And so the bitch speaketh forth.

You realize you thinking it's a good idea to go is only making me more skeptical about going through, right? " _ **Yes, I do- but going through that door could very well lead you to even greater power than you had before."**_ Oh yes- because it's not like MORE POWER was the reason I lost most of mine in the first place! " _ **Okay, let me rephrase that: Going through is the only way you'll get your power back."**_

Well, not like I had much of a choice now, do I(Reminds me of the time I was given the choice of either dying or being killed- decisions, decisions.)?

Letting out a grunt, I got up and headed for the door(Yet another thing I always did after the woman left because of lackluster performances-), and took a minute to examine it closer then a few yards away.

Dark, creepy, old as hell(Looked like my ex a bit- EYOOOOOO!), rusty and looking rikkity as shit. The only thing new looking was the ungodly white doorknob connected to the door that looked like it was straight out of the factory.

"The hell is something so white doing in a place where nothing but black hangs out-" I muttered to myself(I'm not just racist to blacks- I'm multi-racist! Racist to all kinds of races- the Asians, the Mexicans, the Eskimos, the Whites, the eskimos, the French, the Eskimos- _god damn_ _Eskimos_!).

Oh well, I probably spent enough time taking jabs at people who don't even know it(And people that do, make angry comments on it, who I then ignore-), so I decided to grab the knob(No Homo-) and right as I was going to pull, I suddenly had a change of heart.

"You know what- fuck it. I don't need my powers- and they are certainly not worth getting myself killed over, so I think-" " _ **Oh for the love of- GET ON WITH IT!"**_ Yeesh- tough crowd.

Gulping, I slowly inched the door open(I don't care if she used it and it didn't fall on her- having a large metal door fall on your foot without regenerative abilities fucking _hurt_!), and for each inch I pulled, the door creaked as if it wasn't used EVER, and soon enough, the entire door was opened, revealing nothing but black destitute. "Um, okay, the fuck-" I had no further time to think on this as the doorway soon _pulled_ me into it's contents.

No one ever told me this shit was haunted, damn it(I swear I could hear a voice telling me 'You didn't ask' somewhere-)!

I'm not sure what went on around me, as my eyes were closed and I felt as if I would be ripped in twain as my body went through what felt like a medieval rack as I felt my limbs stretch and contract, and soon enough my organs felt like they were on fire, melting as my blood started to evaporate it was boiling so much-

I've only felt this way that one time the girl was kinky and got really into it!

Unlike last time, however, I didn't have regeneration so this wasn't going away anytime soon

After what felt like eternity(Or 37 seconds- when you're in excruciating pain, the only way for you to pass time is to count it.), the pain finally stopped(Or I should say the production of the pain went away- I still feel like I just had either the best or worst sex with a BDSM ever- possibly both.), and my body didn't feel like it was going through a copying machine.

The whole experience felt worse then the time Goat Chin had gotten the broom and shoved it into a place that shouldn't have ever been touched- gave him a good old fashioned beating all day for that one.

… Who the hell is Goat Chin, and why do I have the sudden urge to clench my butthole?

Shaking my head, I stood up from the gravelly road that was beneath me. I had no idea where I was at, there was just white massive walls topped of with wooden roofs-

Freezing, I looked up.

Oh shit! Why was I in the Seireitei?! I was lied to, and now I was gonna get fucked in the ass because of it! I should have known when she said she killed the damn Sou-Taicho that she had to have a way into their damn strong hold-

"Hey, you there, what are you doing here?!"

I had to suppress my urge to run when I thought 'Shit! It's the popo!'.

"You know you shouldn't be here-" And here comes the alarms that spell nothing but "free ass raping here!"- "Squad 2's Barracks are over to the left- damn rookies." The Shinigami shook his head and pointed towards a large building in not too far from our location. "This is the Seventh Division- better go head over to Soifon-Taicho before her infamous short temper gets the better of her." What what in the butt butt?

He sighed. "Did you not hear the orders- all non Ranking Officers are to stay inside the Barracks due to the threat the Ryoka pose against not only the Seireitei, but all of Soul Society as well!" We weren't really dangerous unless provoked first- like a crocodile sitting harmlessly until a person decides to shit on it(Try figuring that reference out-); we just wanted to finish this rescue mission and be out of dis bitch-

Not really sure why I thought that, but, okay-

He sighed. "I'd hurry if I were you- she doesn't accept insubordination very well. Now if you'll excuse me, I, Tetsuzaemon Iba, lieutenant of Squad 7, have a date with the nearest restroom-" With that he grabbed his stomach and started to waddle down the street(Best guess was the guy had a turtle problem.).

"Okay- how did he not recognize me, and why did he not try to apprehend me?" It was well known that anyone who could warrant any kind of threat for either side(Hollow or filthy Shinigami.) was warned about by everyone so that they could be easily recognizable if seen, and then be that much easier to find and beat the tar out of.

And while I didn't like to brag(Since when?), I posed a very substantial threat to any Shinigami, so my name and appearance were fairly known around Seireitei- if not the whole Soul Society. So why was I not currently getting my ass kicked by several Captains and instead being told to go to the Squad 2 Barracks?

Was I really in another Universe? I mean- this 'Soifon' did not ring any bells, so maybe it was.

Only one way to find out-

The inside of the Barracks were plain white- Spartan in design, with nothing more than necessary anywhere. It was why I was surprised to not have run into anybody else either, because their really didn't seem like anywhere else to go in the place. Hell, it wasn't until I found the outside training grounds inside the damn thing that I was confronted by anyone.

"Who are you, and why are you in my Barracks?" A cold voice from behind me asked as I swung around and looked for the owner- oh, there she was, aaaaaaaall the way down there.

Don't tell her I made a short joke on her behalf.

And right beside her was- HOLY SHIT, HOW CAN A BAG OF LARD WALK?!

You can tell fatty fat fat that I made a fat joke about him though- don't really care much about him.

"Um, Taicho, I thought you knew me?! I'm the new, uh, recruit!" It's a good thing I'm playing the part of a rookie Shinigami and she's giving me the second coldest glare I've ever been given(First goes to Saber-Chan for that one time I accidentally burned all her photo's of Justin Bieber… Okay it wasn't an accident, and I was totally justified in doing so.) so I can pass off the hesitance as fear against her.

"I'm not an idiot, you weren't here earlier for the initiation of the new Onmitsukidō, plus, you aren't even in our uniform-" looking down confirmed that I _wasn't_ in their uniform(If their uniform was the same as the ones I knew, at least-), in fact, I wasn't even in my original clothes, either-

I was in a modified Shinigami outfit with a red rosary like strap across my waist that sort of looked like a kite with a flat top and bottom. I could only imagine what this freaky deaky shit did to my perfect hair-

"Yes, well, you see, I may or may not have got lost on my way to the Division this morning from the academy, and I also, maybe, kind of sort of, _lost_ my uniform- pretty fun, huh?" I chuckled weakly as she glared even harder at me.

"... Show me your Zanpakuto." My wah? "Taicho! Surely you are not going to believe him! Besides, even if he had one, it was reported that one of the Ryoka was a-" "Be quiet Ōmaeda! I will be the judge of this myself." Not quite sure who she disliked more right now- me or him.

My money was on him-

"My, Zanpakuto, yes1 I will show you my Zanpakuto-" And maybe my other zanpakuto if I play my cards right as well, heh heh- " _ **No perverted thoughts while I'm in your head."**_ And once again, bitchy Mcgee comes out for a nice chit chat-

I will think whatever I want, it's my mind, in fact- " _ **Oh god, it burns!**_ Guess she received that steamy scene of her and Soifon doing less than pure things inside a mud pit-

Don't judge me about what I think in my mind- you jack asses.

I was reminded that I had a task to do as the Captain coughed into her hand and looked at me bored. "Right, sorry- here it is." With that I held out my hand and the sword from before materialized in it.

"T-Taicho! It has to be him- the Reaper that was reported to be with the Ryoka was said to have an oversized-" "An oversized Khyber like knife- I heard. But you fail to realize that isn't the correct shape or size of a khyber knife, and many other Shinigami in the past have had unwieldy Zanpakuto." She turned to me. "That doesn't make you any less a suspect though- so I'll need you to show me something else."

My other Sword?

"A Kido spell."

Aw hell, it's never the dick.

"You want me to how you-" "A Kido spell- yes. The Ryoka was said to have taken the prisoner Rukia Kuchiki's powers, but that doesn't mean he took her knowledge as well, so he should have no knowledge of our techniques- so go ahead and show me one. Anyone will do." Yes, that's would be child's play- if I could use Kido that is.

" _ **You can, you moron- if you hadn't noticed, you've been using these Reaper's techniques ever since you lost your other powers!"**_ I _WHAT_?! " _ **Anytime you've sent Reiatsu into your legs? A botched version of Shunpo. Your sword? It's a Zanpakuto- Release and all. Hell, even your ability to sense people is more akin to a Shinigami now!"**_ Oh I am so fucking pissed right now- no; enlividated!

That still needs fucking work!

" _ **I'd hurry- any longer and that Captain will catch on."**_ Shit- just because you say I can use these things doesn't mean I automatically know how! Uh, uh, what is the easiest one I know and can remember?

Damn it, a Student using Kurohitsugi is not normal!

" _So, your brother's a prodigy, huh?" "That's right! He's a very powerful Shinigami, one of the best even! He's especially good at Kido- in fact, he's called the Lightning Master for his mastery in the Lightning spells we use. His favorite was always Byakurai though- no idea why as it's such a low leveled one, but he uses it with a grace and dignity you can only dream of!"_

Weird how I remembered something not mine- oh wait, the fourth spell!

"Hado Number 4: Byakurai!" Not knowing where to actually _use_ the damn thing, I awkwardly pointed my finger at a bag of chips fat ass was eating from before and set aside, and fired. I don't even think my sword expected the crisp and clean bolt of lightning that came out of my finger and all but incinerated the bag and almost his leg as he yelped and moved to the side even though the blast was long gone by now.

Well that certainly wasn't something a student could do(I doubt a regular Lieutenant could do that-), so I think the jig was up.

"Moron!" She slapped me upside the head(Must have had to reach rather far from all the way down there-) as she seethed. Okay, apparently she wasn't very happy her Lieutenant almost just- "You could have ruined my Barracks!" Okay, apparently she wasn't happy I almost blasted her Barracks walls.

"Yeah, you could have destroyed- wait, heeeey!" And he apparently wasn't very pleased his Captain didn't care about him.

Couldn't blame her.

"Whatever- watch where you're pointing that thing next time!" He went to also slap me in the head, but I turned to the Captain at the last moment, causing him to miss and fumble until he fell to the ground.

Hot little Asian chick I was okay getting hit by- very large flamboyant fat man who hadn't seen his dick in the last 30 years, not so much.

"So, um, ma'am, where do I go to get my uniform?" She sighed and shook her head(I had the strangest feeling it was at her incompetent buffoon of a Lieutenant- just me?) as she exited the training grounds and motioned me to follow her.

"You realize what you just did not even my Lieutenant can do, right?" "To be perfectly honest Taicho, it would be an insult to say he could do anything better than anyone." She snorted at that(She had quite a cute snort… I have the weirdest fetishes as I am just now realizing.). "Yes, I've noticed. But that doesn't change the fact you are no doubt the Ryoka we were warned about." I sighed. "Yeah, kind of obvious- that begs the question of why you aren't attempting to apprehend me though."

She stopped just outside the Barracks and turned to me. "One simple fact- along with you, a Hispanic human and orange haired girl, and what was reported to be a Quincy, had entered the Seireitei with you along with a Shiba. Am I right?" Seeing no harm in affirming that, I nodded. "See, I don't care about that-" Gee, thanks for asking anyway I guess. "But it was also reported that you were accompanied by a black cat. What. Is. It's. Name?" I didn't like the glint in her eyes as she asked that- but I was caught in a jam, so I really had no other way out.

"Uuuuum, I think it was, Yoru something-" Her eyes hardened. "I see." We just sat in silence for a minute, before I couldn't take it anymore. "So, uh, little minx, that cat yours, or you just lookin' to get your rocks off-" I didn't get to finish as she just turned from me and started to walk in the other direction. Well.

Good talk.

On her way out of the street, she shrugged past a Shinigami, causing them both to stop as the tiny Captain glanced at the figure, then back at me, before continuing on. What the hell could have made her sto- oh god damn it only one other person had orange hair like that-

And that was me.

Wait, no it wasn't, mine was- orange, as when I picked a lock up it was the same color.

The hell was going on- first these memories, then the outfit, and now even my appearance that shouldn't change- _ever_. I had to think this over, but first-

"Orihime, where are the others?" She turned from staring at the retreating Captain, to look at me, and her mouth fell open. "Ku-Kurosaki-Kun…?" "Yeah, something like that." I muttered as I shook my head and took her arm and started to drag her towards a manhole(Is it called that here in Soul place- probably not.). "You- You aren't Kurosaki-Kun!" She stopped allowing me to drag her and I had to sigh.

We didn't have much time before the Shinigami realized who we were, and she obviously wouldn't budge because she realized I wasn't the dense(And, most probably, late Kurosaki Ichigo.) idiot she knew and loved, so I had to do something quick. Hm, she seemed rather innocent-

"Of course I am, so pucker up for dear 'Kurosaki-Kun'-" I said in my best imitation of his voice(Which might have been spot on if the widening of her eyes and recognition that flashed in them were anything to go by-) and leaned down to kiss her.

She, quite honestly, was the best kiss I have ever had- that's not to say she was a good kisser(Far from that, actually; she was as good at kissing as I was at dieing- terrible at it.), but the fact that I just felt sparks fly as I embraced her and deepened it was just to die for. Then, just to ensure that I had her wrapped around my finger(If only-), I softly bit her bottom lip as she mewled(Holy shit, something that adorable should be illegal-) and reached in to start tongue wrestling with her.

For her part, she just looked into my eyes, her own glazed over as we finally finished the kiss. "So-" I leaned down again and licked the bit of drool she was leaking out of her open mouth. "Hime-Hime, just call me by my middle name, Uxukie, from now on, hm?" And down she went like a sack of potatoes(Here's looking at you, Fraccion 4!) into my arms. Man did I love innocent girls.

The only thing I liked better was corrupting said girls.

Of course, the kid had no middle name that I could recall, I just said he did so she would call me something other than 'Kurosaki-Kun' all the time. Still, I felt kind of bad that I was deceiving her like this-

"... Byakurai!" Shit! Picking her up, I narrowly avoided the lightning penetrating my heart(Shot through the heart, and you're to blame~) and instead had it go through my left shoulder, causing blood to splatter everywhere. Fuck, I had to carry her, and my left arm was now numb from the lightning sizzling my nerves.

Looking back to see who had the balls to even ATTEMPT to hit me, I saw the fat ass from earlier, and he did not look pleased. "Oh, it's only you fat ass- for a second there I thought I was in trouble!" I let out a hearty laugh. "Oh man, I should have known it was you from the failed attempt of a Hado that I used perfectly earlier! But in all seriousness, I would run now before I decide to kick your ass." I gave him a hardened glare that would have worked to have him piss his pants and run, if not for the fact I was bleeding from the shoulder with my one not useless arm holding the new coming of BewbsMcBewbsAlot.

So right now all it did was cause him to shiver and have his knees shake. "Y-You can't fool me! You're weakened, and you have to protect your wench over there-" A lightning bolt whizzed past his head.

Damn- praying I hit him when I swung my arm up and fired failed.

"That's it! Just die! Crush, Gegetsuburi!" Oh shit-

I didn't have time to finish my joke(It involved saying that the ball weighed less then him, damn it!) as I had to dodge to the side as the giant metal morning star crashed into my previous position. I still didn't have time to think as I had to move again as he appeared where I had been standing and chucked the ball he was holding onto the same spot I had been not 2 seconds before.

How the hell did something with it's own orbit move so fast damn it?!

Cursing, I leapt onto the wall surrounding us as the flail hit my previous position again(That thing was getting closer and closer every time it went flying-), causing dust to fly every where.

My only hope was to get to that manhole and escape underground(Something told me that anyone with that amount of jewelry wasn't going to go down into the literal shitter-), so bucking up, I sprinted to where I knew it was under the smoke. Sadly, he seemed to know my plan as the damn flail that I was getting oh so attached to came flying at me. I wouldn' be able to dodge in time, so I instead switched sides that it would hit, letting my left arm take the brunt of the damage as I went rolling mid-air before plopping down onto the ground with Orihime on top of me.

"Bwahaha- I knew you were no match for me, punk! Now, you will-" Oh how I wished I could shut him the hell up, but sadly, with a now broken arm and bruised left side, I was in no position to do so. The damn sewer was so close though, I could smell it(Smelled surprisingly not like shit, for anyone wondering.), and I was not giving up this far in! But what could I do to- oh, duh. Filthy Shinigami magic.

"Disintegrate, black dog of Rondaniini, look upon your burning soul and sever your throat! Bakudo Number 9: Geki!" Snapping my fingers, the tub of lard stopped mid rant as he started to glow red. Now that he was frozen, I took that chance to run as fast as I could right now to the hole.

"I'd say it's been fun, fatty fatty 2 by 4, but I don't like lying in the presence of ladies-" With that, I set Orihime down, opened the hole, then grabbed her again. "DIE!" Looking behind me, my eyes couldn't even widen as the giant ball crashed right on top of me.

Luckily, the man hole was open so I was just given a one way trip to the bottom at frightening speeds with a relatively damaged body.

I lost consciousness way before I even hit the ground below, but I made sure I took the brunt and not the cargo I was holding onto.

"Aaaaaaaaaaah!" God damn it, I was having an awesome dream about the same girl who just woke me up! "What, did the flying toaster strudels invade Poland again?" I asked as I sat up and opened one eye.

That was one of the weirder memories I got from Kurosaki.

"Wha-What happened to you Kurosaki-Kun?!" She yelped and pointed at me. What about me? "What about me?" I asked her as I stood up fully, favoring my right side for obvious reasons as I went over to the filthy water to see just what changed about me.

Still the same height(Barely above average- sadly.), still decked in the filthigami garb, with my sword on my back(Huh- guess that cushioned my fall a bit, because a the speed and height I was at, my back should surely be broken.), along with spiky orange hair that went everywhere. Weird- my hair color wasn't orange. My left eye had also changed, being a deep brown instead of the usual hazel they had been, but my other eye had stayed the same dark red color(I was naturally heterochromatic.).

"Pl-Please sit down Kurosaki-" "Uxukie, I told you that after that steamy session we shared, remember." I'm sure she heard my smirk from my voice without even turning around, just like I didn't have to turn to see the atomic blush spread across her face. "R-Right, Kur- er, Uxukie-Kun, um, please sit down, and I'll treat your wounds-" I waved her off with my right arm.

"Bah- I've had worse before, they'll heal. But what about you- that fall hurt you?" I turned around to see her bow her head. "No, I'm alright- but you're really hurt!" She whispered as she glanced at my broken arm. "Oh come on- I can still fight with this thing, watch this!" With that, I went over to the wall and punched it with my broken hand.

"..."

"..."

"... Um, are you-"

"In pain? Yes- excruciatingly so." I sighed and walked over to Orihime, then sat down and gave let her grab my broken arm. "Just do what you want to do quick- we have to get out of here soon and find the others." She nodded and touched her hair pin. "Right- this will be over quick." She slowly breathed in and out(How the hell was this quick-).

"Sōten Kisshun, I reject-" She what? Rejects my broken arm?

Is she one of those Holocaust rejectors?

To my utter shock, a half oval type shield wrapped around my arm, giving it a weird warm feeling as within seconds, it was as good as new.

What-the-actual-fuck.

"Did- Did you just reject my arm and fix it?" I had to ask- nowhere in his damn memories did it say this little girl could fucking fix wounds that fast.

I wish I had the fucking ability to say "Nope, I'm not wounded." And have it actually be true!

"Huh? Oh, yes, that's right, I haven't told you yet. These are my powers- I can heal, attack, and even summon this neat little shield using the cutest little fairies that you can imagine-" She jumped up and down squealing(And also giving me quite the show.) as I examined my arm. It looked healed, felt healed, and even felt brand new- too new.

This wasn't my arm- my arm had a faint scar running across the hand from a time when I was tortured for days on end and constantly stabbed in several places(My hand was one of them-) with a drug running through my system that increased my nerve sensors and slowed my healing factor, causing me untold amounts of pain.

The scar was missing.

This left several possibilities; one was that she didn't fix my arm, but instead replaced it with another(Or god forbid, transferred the damage over to her-), another was that she had EXTRAORDINARY healing capabilities(This was probably the lowest possible one- I've tried many things, and visited healing experts across the world, but the scars would not heal- and I doubt a teenage girl could do better than any of them.), and there was the slight, _slight_ , possibility that the healing was just a fool to the senses, devised to fool me into thinking it was healed so my body wouldn't hinder my motions, but that was a slim to no chance at all(I don't think she, bless her heart, had the capability to have something so complex as an ability.).

There were,of course, other theories- but these were the most prominent ones.

"Let me see your arm, Hime-Hime." I winced as I leant over and grabbed her left arm(My back was still rather sore and the entirety of my left side still felt like I got run over by Fluffy when he was on katnip high- not sure why that shit works on him though, considering he's a damn wolf.). Looking over her arm, I saw nothing wrong with it, so that theory was busted.

Seriously- if she could replace limbs though, I would totally have her do my penis next.

"Alright, now that that is done, we have to-" I stood up and dusted myself off. "Get out of here and-" "But- you're still hurt." She whispered as she looked at the rather bold purple splotch on the side of my stomach that stuck out like a sore thumb as I didn't have a shirt and my Shihakushō was opened from me checking out my body earlier(And I must say- I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard.). I was kind of surprised she didn't blush up a storm when she saw my abs and pecs, but threw that away to dismiss her.

"Don't worry about it, you fixed the worst of it-" The crack my back just made from taking a few steps forward said otherwise- "... We have to find the others anyway and can't spend anymore time down-" "Sit down." I rose an eyebrow in surprise as I looked back at her sitting on the floor, head down. "Excuse me? We need to-" YOU need to sit down and shut up." She rose her head and dark eyes(Those are darker then what fucking Stevie Wonder can see-) stared back at me as a shiver crawled down my spine. Oh my-

I had the weirdest boner.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Don't think you can tell me what to do here, my sweet Hime-Hime. Every second we waste down here is another that could be spent finding and possibly saving your friends." "Then you should just get over here so I can heal the rest of you so we can go." Okay, this was starting to tick me off now- "Orihime. Here. NOW!" I wasn't sure what happened next, but suddenly a yellow blur shot past my head, and I instinctively reached my hand towards my cheek to see that there was blood leaking down my cheek.

Slowly raising my widening eyes, I was met with the most terrifying sight I had feasted my eyes on.

Orihime was now standing, eyes closed, hair flying everywhere as she smiled a smile much too sickly sweet for my tastes and held her hand to her hairpin, and it was only then that I realized a small being posed at my neck, ready to chop it off at any moment. "Oh won't you pretty please come over here, Uxu-Kun, so I can patch you up before I have to make even MORE wounds I have to patch up~"

I couldn't have sat down near her faster even if I had Sonido.

I don't mess with crazy psycho bitches- especially of the Yandere type! Why does no one TELL me these things, damn it?!

After about ten minutes, I was all healed up except for the cut on my cheek she(She kept insisting she did nothing, but I wasn't stupid and know she was using the loophole of 'I didn't do anything- but my fairy did!' from my question.) made. "Can we go NOW?!"

Even I had standards folks, and psycho girlfriend was not on that list(Seriously contemplating the fact that she too could have been overrun by another being just like Ichigo was, but I'm not entirely sure, and even if I was, I have no fucking clue who the hell had taken over for her.)

Can't say you didn't learn shit from this chapter now, either-

"Yes, freedom- I mean, outside, yay!" I yelled as we finally stepped out of the manhole cover into the Seireitei again(And she was back to her bubbly old self too- so apparently she was a Bipolar too. _Joy_.)"Okay, so, I know I said, that we'd, uh, go search for your- I mean our, friends and all, but, uh, I suddenly had a change of heart about those bastards- especially that _Quincy_ \- and decided to go looking for Rukia, while _you_ can go and find them! Okay, good discussion, let's go Team Karakura!" With that said, I ran away as fast as I could, whooping all the while(If anyone asked me why, I'd say for team Karakura- if I had to say the truth, it would be because I finally got away from Bridezilla. Don't worry, I'll be sure to call when she's not so… Bipolarish-).

Panting, I slid to a stop in front of another Barracks(Not sure which- I just stopped after running as fast and as far as I possibly could.), taking a moment to catch my breath. Okay, now that I was alone, it was time to assess my surroundings.

I was stuck in a foreign world, with my only way out somewhere in Soul Society(Most likely hidden, as it wouldn't be any good for a Hollow like Oracion to up and appear suddenly in front of any Shinigami.), then, on the other hand- I apparently absorbed this 'Ichigo Kurosaki' into myself, and now held his memories, and also somewhat his appearance, and had to now debate with myself: Free Rukia Kuchiki like he was going to do up until I pulled a Rob Schneider and soul jacked his ass while turning into him(Partially-), or screw everyone and just find my ticket home.

Not gonna lie, option two seems like the golden ticket here-

I was going to continue on my merry little way, but I was stopped by a voice.

"Oh ho- what have I here? One of the Ryoka?! An this one feels strong too!" Turning around, I was met with- BALD! BALD! BALD! Sorry, the sun glinting off cue ball there blinded me for a second there-

"This must be my lucky day, to meet such a worthy opponent! And for this, I must commence: THE LUCKY LUCKY DANCE!" Holy shit, has this guy never played Just Dance before? Because I've seen better moves in Glee.

And that is saying something.

"Okay, now it's fight time!" He stopped his dance that made him look constipated to clap his hands together and rub them as he then took out his sword. "Can I get a rain check on that, because I really, _really_ don't want to touch you-" I had to grab my own sword to block his diagonal strike, then continue to parry his blows as he kept hacking and slashing at me like-

Holy shit, was that really how I fought?!

None too pleased with that revelation, I shoved his blade out of the way by kicking the hand he was holding the sword, and then slashing at his head, getting a shallow cut along his scalp line. "Wanna just, I don't know, walk away from this and get a drink, or something?" He paused, and for a second I actually thought he would accept, but that came crashing down the minute he opened up his pommel and used some ointment from inside to close the wound on his head.

Oh come on-

"Oi! That's cheating, you nub!" He seemed to get annoyed by that(Good- cheating nub deserves it.). "It is not! A true warrior uses whatever he has at his disposal to win his fights!" Oh, I was going to make chrome dome regret that- "Oh really? Well then think fast!" I quickly took off my pants, revealing my penguin boxers I had underneath, and threw it at him.

He wasn't expecting that it seems(I mean- who the hell expects their opponent to go half nude and throw articles of their clothing at you?), so the pants hit him right in the face. "AH! Freshly washed Hakama pants! My one weakness!" It's shit that like that that makes me not want to touch Shinigami-

Quicker than he could get my pants off, I slashed at his chest and took my pants back, causing blood to spill everywhere. Callin' that one 'You got Pantsed!'.

"Gah- you call me a cheater, and then do THAT?!" "Hey, you're the one saying anything at our disposal- just be lucky I didn't use my underwear too!" I said as I slipped back on my pants. He clenched both his teeth and fists at that. "Damn- he has me there!" Of course I do, crazy bald guy. "Alright- no more kidding around, things get serious from here on out!" He closed his wound with most of his ointment again, then twirled his sword and then stopped it as it was pointing at me.

"But first- what is the name of the worthy opponent with which I am doing battle today?" Eh, guess it couldn't hurt to give him a name- "Ichigo Kurosaki." Of course it wasn't gonna be my name- I didn't want him coming for me at all after this fight.

"Oh? You know what they say about those with 'Ichi' in their name, no?" No, and you're obviously going to go on a tangent if I don't do anything either, so- "Banzai!" I leapt at him right as he was getting to the 'good part'. "Hey! I didn't finish my-" I really couldn't care less, so I just kept him on the defensive for a while to shut him up, before he finally jumped back to get some space.

"Okay, that does it- Grow, Hozukimaru!" And then his sword turned into compensation- I mean a pole. "Oooooh- a pole, I'm so scared!" I said sarcastically while waving my hands around half-assedly. "You should be!" He told me as he charged head on(Which was rather stupid, considering people who use poles like to stay as far away from their opponent as much as possible- they also have poles stuck up their asses as well. That little fact is proven by my research-). "Your funeral guy-" I let my sword block his Bo-staff.

"I ain't your guy, FRIEND!" And just as soon as I did, his damn pole split into thirds and grew blades that went to try and cut my head off had I not stepped back. "I honestly didn't expect a Shinigami like you to get that reference-" "That's South Park we're talking about, Kurosaki- even WE have television."

Yeah, somehow I doubt that-

"Whatever, just keep your pole about fifty feet away from my ass-" I shuddered at that.

Last time I let a girl celebrate women's day like that ever again.

"No promises." He grinned at me(I'd say no homo, but I can't say much about what he _would_ do with his stick-) and swung the upper portion of his staff at me. Sighing and resigning myself to possibly having to pucker my ass- _again_ \- I went forward to meat his stick(Ha ha, dick jokes-) with my sword, shoving the thing away as I went in to slice him in half.

He didn't have much of a defense up close with his release, so he had to rely on his speed to dodge my attacks. Luckily for him, he was fast enough to where I only got a shallow cut across his waist.

"Ha! You thought I was defenseless like this?! Think again!" He dragged his end up into my arm, causing a fairly deep cut to slash into my right arm and to stick inside there. Though if he thought that would even slow me down, he obviously hadn't seen me get stabbed in my lungs 77 different times-

"Just shut up and lose." I was getting annoyed at this point, and just switched my sword to my left hand and slashed at his waist again as he moved to lean back. But as he did, the cut from earlier reopened and caused him to spit up blood. Soon enough, his lean turned into him falling onto the ground on his back.

"You-Your attack from before wasn't to split me in half, but to reopen the wound you gave me before." "Took you long enough to realize it- cheating nub." I kicked him in his side as he wheezed and his release sealed itself. "I have a lot of shit to do and things to think over, so I really should just leave you here to your own devices. Though I suppose I would be in even deeper shit if I just let you bleed out on the ground here."

Sighing(I really didn't want to touch him- he smelled like blue cheese for no reason.), I grabbed his sword and started applying the ointment(The hell- why did this thing smell like blue cheese too?!) to his wound.

"Wait, wh-why are you saving me?!" Didn't listen much, did he- "Because I don't feel like having a target on my head for killing a seated officer of the Gotei 13. Now shut up and lie here like a bitch." Standing up, I moved to leave. "It won't matter- now that you defeated me, you basically proved you are a worthy foe, and my Taicho will come after you no matter what the Sou-Taicho or the Central 46 say." Pausing, I looked back at him.

"Tell your Captain.." Here he leaned forward on the ground a bit wanting to hear this. "... That he can go suck my cock for all the shits I give about him and him wanting to fight me; he isn't worth the dog shit on my shoe for all the fucks I can't give."

He look on his face also made me wish I kept a camera on me at all times- oh wait.

 **SNAP!**

Fuck yeah.

Whistling, I turned and continued on my way to…

Where the hell was I going before all this?

… Bah, might as well find the others.

Okay, so I knew where Orihime was(Probably-), so that left the cat(Yeah- I ain't going after a talking animal ever again; that one time I was on shrooms have taught me _never_ to go after Yoshi-), the Shiba(Can go die in a ditch.), the Quincy(Can share the ditch with the Shiba-), and then Sado(Chad as Ichigo thought… It amazes me how he can't understand our language of Englishnese.). Guess it's Sado then-

Feeling for his Reishi(Which from the memories I got, felt strangely like a Hollow's-), I found it.

And of course it was right in front of a Captain class Shinigami.

Fuck my undead life-

Thinking quickly, I cast a quick Bakudo that was a favorite of the Squad I tried to impersonate(Thank god for my experience of Shinigami kicking my ass constantly-), I concealed my Reishi and bended the light to hide myself, then went in the direction of Sado's fight(That he was about to lose, if my senses were right-).

As fast as I could, I got to him just as he fell to the Captain with a pink kimono across his shoulders(What was with these flamboyant Shinigami?!). Cursing myself, I thought of the options I had.

Let him take Sado, and save myself, or go down there to fight him myself and inevitably lose because I didn't even have half the power I used to.

Damn it, this 'Ichigo' is fucking with all my logical thinking!

"Hey hey hey there friend!" Revealing myself, I jumped from my perch, apparently startling the old cross dresser(I at least think he's one- one does not carry around a ladies kimono without using it for some purpose.). "You seem to have made a misunderstanding with my friend here that resulted in a conflict between the two of you- I feel for you, and from the bottom of my pitch black heart, I apologize on his behalf. So if you wouldn't mind, I'll just get him and be out of your, if I may say so, magnificent hair now."

Back home, I was the King of ass kissing.

"Yes, the little- altercation, we had was quite unfortunate, but me and him decided that we would let bygones be bygones, and so we're going out for a drink once he wakes up- but we can't well do that if you and him leave now. So why don't you join us?" He smiled and tipped his hat up, waiting for my move.

Damn old cross dresser's and their immunity to ass kissing-

"Guess it's fight time then?" "I would rather avoid confrontation, like I said to your friend here, but it seems you all are much too adamant to let this slide." He slid into a battle stance with both his swords- two?

"You have two Zanpakuto? That is quite rare amongst Shinigami- does that mean they both have different release phrases?" He raised his eyebrow at my knowledge of that. "No, they are the both the same Zanpakuto, and yet are not- it is quite hard to explain actually." "Well, we kind of have time here, if you wanted to explain-" He seemed to ponder that before he nodded his assent.

"Sure, why not. My Zanpakuto are one in the same, though they are indeed separate entities with their own original personalities." Fascinating, fascinating- damn it, he stepped in front of Sado's body! "While the release phrase is the same for each of them and there Shikai's abilities intertwine, they are indeed separate entities- entities with long winded release phrases like 'Flower Wind Rage and Flower God Roar, Heavenly Wind Rage and Heavenly Demon Sneer, Katen Kyokotsu **-** " Fuck, he used the story to- not release his blade?

"That's weird- you said it's release phrase, and yet your sword did not release itself?" He looked at me funny. "Well yeah, I can control when or when not they release, and everyone knows that us Captains aren't allowed to release in Soul Society for fear of annihilating everything and- you did not know that before, did you?" He asked me blandly when he saw the growing grin on my face.

What's my release phrase again? " _ **Gah- you never listen to me."**_ It's not my fault you want a grand entrance for me releasing you, damn it! " _ **And I told you before, you release me with the phrase once, and you won't have to say it again-"**_ That doesn't make it any easier to remember, dumb ass! " _ **Alright, alright- grumpy. It's…"**_

"No I did not- Splatter the blood of the tainted across your path so that you may never hesitate in your path; to succumb to the dark inside oneself so that I may one day walk the path of the untainted and innocent: **SCREAM FOR THE PURE, MANGETSU**!"

God damn it, now I was enlivedated AND compensating!


	6. Rolling in the deeeeeeeeep(Sewers)

**Well, I am honestly surprised I have this many readers, and yet, we all still can't seem to VOTE IN THE POLL! Seriously! I literally can not, make the next chapter for this story, without more people voting for the fight, in my Profile. I mean come on, I left it open for more than a month for gods sake! So seeing as how people STILL find it too difficult to somehow vote(Not like I am asking you all to vote for Trump or Hilary, here-), I will give you step by step instructions.**

 **Step 1: Click on my name(Kitsune-Dama) to go to my profile.**

 **Step 2: Click on the Poll section at the top of the profile.**

 **Step 3: VOTE GOD DAMN IT!**

 **Step 4: Profit.**

 **Simple as that. Now go, fucking, do it.**

Not sure what was more ironic; the fact that such a 'Girly'(Her word, not mine-) girl had monolithic swords for Zanpakuto's, or the fact that the bitch that had literally tried to rape little MooMoo had a release phrase such as 'Scream for the Pure!' and all that gay, fuzzy feeling stuff.

Made a guy rethink all his life choices.

Coughing and waving away the smoke that came with the oh so brilliant Shikai with my free hand, I studied the blade up close while I was still covered by what smoke was still left.

The sword was an even _larger_ (If that was even possible-) knife now(Anybody got some cheese in need of cutting?), with the entirety of the blade being even larger than I was tall, with the grip at the base of the blade and a handle extending back from this about roughly the width and length of my forearm. There was a thin, hollowed-out portion running along the back edge of the blade from the base to the middle of the blade. There was also a dark grey cloth attached to the handle of the blade, that had wrapped itself across my right arm.

All in all, it looked eerily similar to the Shikai of Ichigo(Though considering I literally absorbed him into myself, apparently, that was to be expected.).

Wanna explain why I am holding a massive ass sword that makes me look like I am compensating harder than those guys that buy Monster Trucks?

…

Okay, I guess _not_ -

"So, I'll just be taking my friend over here and be on my way." I told the Captain as I shouldered my blade. "Sorry." He sighed and hardened his stance. "I would, but if I did, I'd never hear the end of it from Nanao-Chan." Not giving up a fight where he could possibly die all because of a nagging woman?

Understandable.

"Your funeral, Trans-Taicho." I ran at him full speed(Which was surprisingly a lot more than before-), and before he could even think on what I had just called him, I was on his position. "Slice and Dice, don't fail me now!" I yelled as I quickly slashed at him from above, and he blocked with his left blade, but soon had to put up his right too as the power behind my strike almost caused his knees to buckle. Not done, I quickly flipped the sword and went for a piercing strike to his chest, but he dodged to the left, causing me only to graze his side.

Still not done, I grabbed the blade in a reverse grip(Which was very awkward as fuck with the size of this thing-) and went in for a slash to his chest, which he again blocked, but this time I full body tackled my sword, causing him to go skidding back and lose his balance for a second.

'Twas all I needed.

Speeding by him, I decked him with a clothesline and while he was even more disoriented, I moved to pick up Sado with the arm not carrying my sword already, and made to hightail it outta there.

"That little time you had should have been used to make sure I stayed down, partner." Much to my surprise, the Captain appeared in front of me with his hat shadowing his eyes, giving him a much more eerie appearance, as I had moved to jump, and slashed at my stomach, luckily(For me at least.) only leaving a shallow cut. Sighing, I jumped back to where the battle site had been taking place.

"And this is also for the nickname from earlier." He said from behind me as blood spurted from my right side, causing me to almost drop Sado.

Damn, I had hoped he would forget that part-

"Jeez, not one for jokes, Crossdress-San?" The butt of his blade hitting me in the face told me that was a 'no'.

Spitting out blood, I wiped my hand on the sleeve of my... fuck, I forgot what this was called already- anyway, after that, I stood up with Sado still on my arm. A full on fight here would be catastrophic(My blade was not meant for close quarter fighting, and with Sado here, I had a handicap- even if the Captain didn't seem like one to stab unconscious people- that was my shtick.), so I had to escape- though with a massive ass cleaver and a 200 pound giant Mexican(This sounds like the beginning of the funniest joke ever-), not to mention the fact I wasn't a pro at the Shinigami version of Sonido, that seemed like it wasn't happening any time soon.

So being a motherfucking sorcerer it was!

"Bakudo Number 30: Shotsu Sansen!" Taking careful aim, I aimed the first laser at lower than the other two, causing him to yelp and jump to avoid having to get a sex change, but in turn getting caught by the other two in the shoulders, and then sent flying into the wall.

"Whew- that was a rather close encounter with a fate worse than death!" He said to himself as he sweated a bit. Not taking particular care about whether he was gonna escape or not, I started my chant. "Sanctity, closure, repent! Take unto the East-" "Oooooh- the modified version of Hado 4, one of my personal favorite modified Hado; oh, don't stop, I would just love to see this!" Glancing up confirmed he was standing over my kneeling position, swords to my neck. For once heeding the words of a Shinigami, I continued with a growing grin on my face.

"-The mud doll, ever disintegrating. Unite! Oppose! Filling the Earth, know your own impotence!" "You're-You're really not _that_ suicidal, right?" He asked with a paling face. My only answer was to grin psychotically and throw Sado far, far, _far_ away from where I was. "Hado Number 90: Kurohitsugi!" Man, now I know why the Shinigami use Nijū Eishō-

The fucking looks on the opposing sides faces were _priceless_!

Faster than either of us could act, a massive black box surrounded us, encasing us and ensuring no escape. Not too soon after, bulges started to form on the walls of the box. Knowing what was to come, both of us used some respective techniques to avoid as much damage as possible- he used some kind of Bakudo, while I just used my giant butter knife with a hole in it as a shield by putting it in front of me.

This was gonna hurt-

Black spikes soon entered me into a new world of hell.

Soon enough after the creation of the two sided(If the way I was bleeding and the way the Captain was just on the ground, panting, and a bit ruffled was anything to go by though; it was a sword that I used against a brick wall that then bounced off and made the sword cut me in half-) sword, it dissipated.

It was hard to tell who was more harmed during that- me or him.

While I was kneeling, using my sword as a crutch as blood seeped from a hole wound above my pelvis(Ironically, right where my Hollow hole used to lay-) while another rested right on my left shoulder, the Captain was on the ground, panting from the amount of Reiatsu he had to expend to keep out the worst of the spikes- and even then he had a few scratches and cuts littering his body from where the spikes had poked through.

I put a _lot_ of Reiatsu into that thing.

Luckily, I wasn't anywhere near as out of breath as he was(Or appeared to be- I wouldn't be surprised if he was faking a bit of it. He was a Captain after all- but no one wanted to continue fighting someone willing to kill themselves to damage their opponent… I get the weirdest sense that I'm going to be eating those words later in the Chapter-), so I took the time to stand up, locate where the hell exactly I had thrown Sado(He was on the roof of a nearby building, lying uncomfortably on his stomach on a bit of fence- goal!), collect him, then hightail it back to Orihime to see if she could fix up the both of us.

I wouldn't be hearing the end of this though; especially if she found out I was the one to do myself in.

Locking onto where she was at, I sped up to get to her as fast as possible.

"Why is Sado-Kun unconscious, and why you look like the Swiss general decided he was hungry and that you were the closest thing to a snack so he cut some holes into you and called it a day?" That- was a very specific analogy.

We were back in the sewer again(Really- once I leave, I'm gonna miss this place: Insert sarcasm here for the place that stinks worse than the Godzilla incarnate Lieutenant above ground.), hiding from the Shinigami _again_.

"Funny story that- you see, Sado over here decided it would be a good idea to face off against a Captain, but he was quickly overwhelmed, so I- being the kind, brave, pure soul that I am, decided I had to step in to save him. And so I did. But as I was about leave with him, he started to awake and struggle in my arms, and as I was trying to show him it was me, the damn Filthigami BLASTED me with a Kido, and as he was about to shoot Sado, I bravely bit the bullet and took the hit for him, though he did end up going unconscious again from the blunt trauma." I finished and crossed my arms confidently. She should buy that. And she did apparently if the way she subtly sent a small glare at him was any indication.

Though I feel as if I just fucked myself in the future for that story.

Weird.

Aw who cares- that's for future me to worry about!

"So look- I need you to heal me so I can go back above ground, find the elusive pit those two moronic imbeciles dropped down and died into, bring them back here, then go and regroup with the cat above ground, where I will lead it here so we can discuss our battle plan." Instead of the 'But what will me and Sado-Kun be doing while you're up there' I had expected, I instead heard "Alright."

"Look, I promise I'll be more careful up there this time- wait, you will?"

That was unexpected.

"Yeah- I realized while you were gone that I couldn't stop you from getting in anymore harm while we are here. So I am just going to heal you every time you keep coming back with even graver wounds- and if it gets to the point where you die from them, I'll just be sure to revive you to kill you myself before repeating the process again!" She chirped happily as I sweat dropped.

She had that glint in her eye again(And I had that bulge in my pants again, too!).

"Right- well, let's get on with this then, shall we?"

Hopping up after she had closed the holes on my body(Not those kind of holes, you naughty audience you-), I quickly moved towards the end of the sewer where the ladder to exit was at.

I had me a Quincy Shiba ditch to find!

Picking up on the Quincy's Reiatsu, I decided to go wherever the fuck he was first.

The fact his Reiatsu was rapidly declining was a good factor as to why I went to get him too.

Sighing at having to play 'Hero' once again in the same day(Seriously- I was a Hollow! I was supposed to be feeding on these fleshies by now!), I used my slowly improving(But still chalky as hell-) Shunpo to reach the apparent battle site of one of 'my' friends.

Again.

Finally getting there, I saw the Quincy on his stomach, ass in the air(Seems relatively normal of a position for him if you ask me-), with a clown person standing not too far ahead of him, yet another tiny asian woman(Who seemed to be masterbating- no, that can't be right… A second glance confirmed, she was indeed, masterbating… A third glance, yet again, confirmed it…. NOw I was just doing this for my pleasure-), and a massive-

Was- Was I looking at Super Baby?

Well I obviously stumbled upon the freak show here ladies and gentlemen- it even had the weird pinkish red mist those horror movies depict them having too! Actually, sniffing the air, I found out that wasn't a mist.

Oh boy.

Quickly as I could, I flared out my Reiatsu(I knew this was a good counter attack to any type of Reishi poisoning as I myself used these types of things to battle with back when I still had my Resurreccion-) while simultaneously Shunpoing next to the girl and(Interrupting a marvelous show.) grabbing her to shove my sword right near her neck.

Negotiation time.

"Okay Super Baby and your sidekick, Egyptian Sweet Tooth, the gig is up!" I told them as the clown stopped his advance towards the Quincy and looked back at me. "Give up the fine fellow presenting his rear end to you, and no one has to get a giant butter knife up the ass!" Glancing at Ishida, I saw he was not taking this poison nearly as well as I was(I wasn't immune myself- it's just my continual usage of deadly concoctions made me very resistant to all sorts of things. I'd be feeling the effect of something this potent though if I didn't get it out of my system within the next few hours though.) so I had to get him out- wait, what was he saying? He looked like he was mouthing 'Run!' But why would he-

"Shit!" Not even thinking about it, I turned as quickly as I could to dodge and protect the girl from the sword that had come hurtling towards me from Baby Metal over there. I failed though, and still got shot through the right bicep.

Not even thinking about what kind of poison would be on the blade of something that came out of Fetus Senior that was making this poison Reishi, I did what I would normally do in this situation.

I sliced my arm off.

Of course, I- being the ever monolithic retard I was, forgot that I couldn't regenerate limbs anymore and the fact the cloth that clung to my arm was still attached, so now I had a flailing limb weighing down my sword, too.

Rut Roh.

"Gah! What is wrong with you- you almost just killed this woman who was giving me a free sneak peek a minute ago!" I yelled at him as I grabbed the woman and set her down near me so that(Hopefully-) my Reiatsu would stop her from being affected as well. Though with that said, I still had to get the Quincy out of the blast zone as well- though for that to happen, I had to leave the chick to her own demise as well. Decisions, decisions.

Boobs or glasses, vajay-jay or penis, this ass or two-cape over there- honestly the choice was very hard at all.

Though my consciousness was saying both, so I guess it was 'Hero' time.

Shudder.

"I have nothing wrong with me- you, however, look like you are in need of some much needed painful experimentation." Huh- that's usually what I say to others, not the other way around.

Weird switch around here.

"Oh you wouldn't want to experiment on little old me- I'm just an extremely Reishi rich hoomahn turned Filthigami, with not only a Shikai, but Hollow capabilities as well- hell, I even have some Quincy… Whatever shit they have thrown into the mix! That got your panties wet yet?" If the way my lies had the guy drooling was anything to go by, that was a resounding yes. "Then think fast, Clown College Reject!" Quickly gathering Reiatsu, I fired a Byakurai at him, which he dodged by leaning back. He wasn't expecting me to suddenly appear above him though, and I slammed him into the ground with my fist, causing the entirety of the floor to shake and a massive hole to dig itself with his body.

Waving away the smoke as I jumped up from the crater, I looked down to see that he was still alive(Wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not- on one hand, I hated clowns, but on the other, I didn't need a full on hit squad on my ass for killing a Captain… But Clowns-), but clutching his chest from where I had hit him.

"You- You insignificant worm!" He yelled out as he held his sword in the hand not clutching his chest, blood dripping down his leg from what I thought was him holding his sword a little too tightly(It could have been from his Period though- all of this PMSing he's doing right now was making it hard to decipher.).

"I don't suppose you're going to call a truce, where we can set aside all our differences to Tea and Chill?" I quickly moved out of the way as yet another sword shot out at me like this thing had Kusanagi's up the ass to throw around, and on my way out, picked the Quincy up while I was at it.

No one ever politely declined my Tea and Chill time- let alone actually agreed to do it.

Uncultured swines, the lot of them!

"Let's go, tiny asian piece of ass!" And what a wonderful ass it was, I mused to myself as I grabbed her by the exact thing I was talking about and tried to get out of the blast radius of the poison-

It would be nice if I could fight without having to worry about the prick and the chick getting in my way of taking out the Joker(Especially considering I had my only available appendage occupied getting these two to safety-)… Wait, if he was the Joker, then wouldn't that make his cohort-

"God damn Harley Quinn!" I yelled as the bitch stuck her hand into me like I was butter and her hand was a hot knife about ready to stick itself up the butters ass.

I won't say where she stuck it.

I will say I wasn't going to be walking straight for a few days.

I threw her down when as I rolled on the ground, clenching something that should never have been touched. "My cherry- it's been popped!" I cried as tears streamed down my face. "Why- Why the hell would you do that, you crazy bitch? Who the hell DOES that?!" She was injured it seemed, as she only had enough strength to sit up against one of the walls that surrounded us as the thick 'Mist' continued to diffuse all around us(I wasn't really able to get anywhere fast before I got finger popped in mah ashole-). "Mayuri-Sama wants you dead- or at the least, maimed, so he can conduct his experiments on yo-" "Bitch, I already know that, I meant why go for my god, damn, ASS?!" She had the _audacity_ to sit there and just blink.

"I read that in the male anatomy, one of the greatest weak spots was the area directly opposite of the groin on a regular bodied male… I also read a conflicting article, however, that said it was one of the most erogenous zones on the body, as well." She paused to think about it for a bit, before she opened her mouth-

"NO! IT DID NOT GET ME HORNY!" Better to just nip that in the bud before it starts, really.

Glancing over to where I had to forcibly drop Ishida after the unexpected 'Thousand Years of Death', he appeared paler than before(Saying something for someone who was already pale enough to call white his cousin-), was unconscious, and- was that foam throfing from his mouth?

Yeah, definitely not in the best shape right now.

"Fuck biscuits!" Quickly swiping my sword to the side, I stopped yet _another_ Kusanagi rip off from stabbing the Quincy.

"Tch, even after you injured him, he was still able to block it- you should have wounded him further instead of just standing there and answering him, you pathetic excuse of a daughter!" I looked over to where the girl was about a couple dozen feet from me, only to see the Captain beating on her, and then promptly smashing her head into the wall, causing me to narrow my eyes. "Oi- fuck face! Knock it OFF!"

He just stopped what he was doing and turned to me. "Be quiet, you insuffereable curr, I know how much my creation can take, and this is far from that threshold. Besides, you should know when to just accept your fate- come on, I'm not evil. If you come along willingly, I'll be sure to give you food TWICE a week, instead of only once!" Huh. I didn't know I could glare at someone as intensely as I am right now.

"Like hell you'll only give me food twice a week!" For my stomach!

Grabbing my torn off arm, I starting using it to twirl the cloth around in a circle in the air, thus making my sword into a makeshift death helicopter that I threw at the Scientist, and ran after it.

He had to use his sword to knock my sword into the air, lest he get sliced in half, but I just pulled the cloth down as I reached him, causing him to have to block the airborne attack as I punched him back into his giant Baby God.

I don't know what the hell it was, at this point, but it was pissing me off with these god damn swords!

Quickly twirling my sword again, I sent Reiatsu into it, making it start to glow a bright purple(Not, exactly sure why it was purple-). "Now fuck off, you stupid, imbecilic reject of an egyptian god clown!" With that said, I let loose the energy that had built up inside my sword, sending a MASSIVE purple crescent moon shaped blast directly in the path of the moron and his creation(Or Bankai- hard to tell if someone's soul was that deprived enough to have that thing as a release.), blowing away all the poison and creating a massive dust cloud that was visible, I'm sure, to all of Soul Society once it hit them(Not like my attack wasn't visible to them all, either-).

Not sure what I had expected, but a puddle of clown soup was not it.

"I'll be sure to remember this, you insufferable little-" I shut him up by pulling out a massive swirly straw from nowhere and waving it a little.

Never thought I'd see a puddle make itself more non-existent faster… Not that I'd thought I would see that at all in the first place, either, but when dealing with Shinigami, remember kids- everything and anything is possible.

Which is also why you shouldn't take candy from them, either-

Coughing a bit, I suddenly remembered I had a dying Quincy and, more then likely, hot asian girl who needed to be… _punished_.

Shame I forgot the candle wax and ball gag, but I'm sure I could use my… _sword_ as a decent substitute-

" _ **You better be talking about your own shriveled up little prick, you son of a-"**_ The link was suddenly cut of, but that was certainly NOT my sword spirit talking to me- did that mean I had schizophrenia? I hope not, because I heard that the bounties on their heads were double, and I didn't need bounty hunters on top of the Seireitei after my ass.

Making a note to look into _that_ little fuck up later, I turned and quickly strutted towards where the Quincy lay, and was about to pick him up, when the girl spoke up. "Behind my Lieutenant's Badge, there is the antidote to the poison of Konjiki Ashisogi Jizō's poison." That made me pause and turn to her. "And you're telling me this, wwwwwhy? I doubt you had a change of heart all of a sudden- unless it was because of my heroing good looks? Hm." That made me take a pause as I scratched my chin in a thinking pose.

"No- but you did try to prevent Mayuri-Sama from further bodily inuring my body, so for that I must thank you." She did a curt bow from her seated position against the wall. "And also for the fact you did not kill him with your last attack." I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying.

The bastard was just too slippery for his own good.

"Yeah, let's go with that-" I said as I took the antidote, and tried to give it to her. "No, take it- as long as I have his blood inside me, I am immune to the effects of his poison." Okay, not going to talk about how creepy that sounded- "And your other injuries Clown boy gave you?" A quick once over told me he kind of fucked her up(Or maybe the Quincy gave her one before I arrived- more reason to find a pit to dump some people in it-). She shook her head at me. "I will be fine, but my other squad members felt Mayuri-Sama's Bankai, and will be coming to the scene soon, so you best get going."

Normally I would follow the advice that was so similar to the 'My husband is coming home soon' I am so used to hearing, but something told me she wouldn't exactly be getting the deluxe treatment at Casa de Fucked up Scientist, so as I grabbed and pocketed the antidote, I picked her up, Shunpoed to the Quincy, and quickly hightailed it for the underground, where all the haps were at.

God, now I feel old-

"You come back next time with your arms filled with more sluts, and you won't have a head to use to get them." Orihime told me bluntly as I dropped both of my occupants off on the ground and slouched to the floor near the wall while staring at the floor. "Jokes on you- everything you love comes from up there." I told her as I waved her to go heal the other 2 in the room when she wouldn't stop coming towards me.

"I wasn't talking about that head."

That made me slowly look up at the wall opposite of me with an unreadable expression and also let her heal me first.

"Gah, this arm feels so weird now-" I rolled my arm as I leapt out of the sewer(After making sure that Orihime wouldn't kill Nemu, which took the better part of an hour- and that was under the pretense that she was just some random Shinigami being abused that I had to use to make sure she didn't do any bodily harm to her for "Stealing Kurosaki-Kun"… Damn girl was as stubborn as me when it came down to it, it seemed. Made the erections I had constantly around her seem justifiable though.) and went off in search for(What I can only hope won't involve another Captain-) the Shiba.

Quickly feeling out for it, I found it accompanied by another, weaker, signature directly on top of him, meaning it was a fairly low Ranked Shinigami. Now, there are only so many scenarios that could be playing out, here:

The Shinigami found the R Tard and waited until he was out in the open to pounce on him and try to kill him-

2\. The Shiba found the Shinigami, needed either a map around the Seireitei or something he could use to escape pursuers, and he then teamed up with the Shinigami to find Rukia and rescue her themselves-

Or 3. It was love at first sight, they couldn't help themselves, and the Shiba was a Bottom… Or a Top, it was hard to tell when I was a few miles away from them and wasn't able to physically see the exact position. 

Of course, my money was on option 3.

Moving in Shunpo as slow as I could, I made my way towards their position(If it really was what I think it was, I did NOT want to see it happening.). I think the only reason I was able to duck under the sword that tried to decapitate me was because I was going so slow(Granted, they wouldn't have been able to catch me if I was going full throttle, but still.). Quickly grinding to a halt, I looked back to see a gigantic psycho and his little cohort on his shoulder.

"I am going to enjoy this." He somehow grinned even wider as the little girl chirped a "Give him hell, Ken-Chan!" and went off to what I can only assume was the land of rainbows and gumdrops. This shit always only ever happen to me. God, fucking, HELL!

The ass kicking I gave out and totally did not receive, was too graphic for audiences worldwide, so instead, I will be putting up song lyrics from 'Barbie Girl'.

" _ **Hi Ken!"**_ "... Mangetsu, my name is not-" " _ **I would love to go for a ride, Ken!"**_ "Who the hell is Ken, and where is that funky fresh up-beat coming from?" " _ **I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world~"**_ "Um, Mangetsu, I would appreciate it if you would stop screaming in my head while I'm trying to avoid stabby mcrip stabby stab over here-" " _ **Life in plastic, it's fantastic!"**_ "Wait, what are you doing with that sword- no, NO! Not the pants!" " _ **You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere~"**_ "Gah! Those are my kidneys you are currently punching and pulverizing to dust, sir!" " _ **Imagination, life is your creation!"**_ "Oh dear lord, he's making a tetris brick out of my back!" " **Come on Barbie, let's go party-"** "The- Esin! You piece of shit, stop encouraging her!" " _ **Another verse, same as the first!"**_ "You little- MOTHER FUCKER! MY MONEY MAKERRRRRR!"

Needles to say, I was barely stumbling out of there with any clothes whatsoever, and my limbs very vaguely hanging off their joints, and tussled up hair with a little pink haired midget waving at me before she dragged the at least 6 times bigger than her Captain away saying "Thanks for giving Ken-Chan a good fight, Bi-Chan!".

He did things with his sword- terrible things.

I don't want to talk about it.

Not choosing to take it leisurely this time in fear of running into yet _ANOTHER_ Captain with a sword fetish like the last one, I took it to the max(Or as max as it gets with my injuries… And a noticeable limp in my left leg-) to get to the Shiba hat(If he wasn't already-) I was gonna kill for making me encounter that… Whatever he was-

I ain't calling him a Shinigami, because even some of my fellow Hollows weren't anywhere near as fucking creepy when it came to swords!

But apparently _still_ , I was going too slow, as before I knew it, I had to swerve to avoid a sword slice to my neck.

These god damn mother fuckers and the head- what is with them?!

It's like they are TRYING to prove the point Orihime was telling me!

"Okay, who has the death wish _now_?!" I snarled as I turned to find a- pineapple? Oh wait, no, that was the Lieutenant from before in the Hoomahn world- what was his name again? Regi? No, that was Pokemon. Rhett and Link? No, that was YouTube- screw it, I'm calling him fruity!

"Fruity, what the hell are you doing here- if you have forgotten, if it wasn't for you Captain back in the living world, you'd be dead by now." He grit his teeth(Probably because of the reminder of his ass kicking by my- Ichigo's? Whatever- hands. Totally not because of my name for him. Nope.). "My name, is RENJI ABARAI! Lieutenant of Squad Six! And that time was a fluke, Kurosaki! You see, we Shinigami-" "Blah blah blah, limiter shit, blah blah blah you have Shikai, blah blah- just shut the fuck up and come get your ass kicked so I can go on with my day!" If he seemed shocked it was overridden by the anger at me-

I had that effect on people.

Makes them forget every other emotion except rage- comes in handy when you need to get a bitch out of the house.

"Roar, ZABIMARU!" His sword lengthened(Seriously, compensation is such a common things amongst these Shinigami-) and became segmented(... I'm sure there is a dick joke here somewhere, I'm just not coming up with anything.). "Come, Kurosaki, and face the TRUE power of-" I didn't let him finish before I literally just zoomed into his guard and slashed him across the waist, spilling blood everywhere. He gurgled some blood before his sword sealed itself and he fell onto me.

Most. Anticlimactic fight. EVER.

"Well, any last parting words before I leave and go on with life?" I asked him as he struggled to stand, even with me as a crutch for him. "... S-Save- SAVE RUKIA!" And with that the retarded prince fell.

"Damn morons, impeding on my fucking path." I grumbled as I quickly made my way to where the Shiba and his butt buddy were situated.

Right smack dab in the middle of the enemy territory.

 _Fucking, great_.

"Oh, there you are- huh. Not the position I thought I'd see you two in when I appeared." I mused to myself as I noticed the 2 hiding in an alley right outside where I thought Rukia was probably staying. I mean seriously- it was a massive tower right in the middle of the damn Seireitei. They'd have to think we'd be complete dunderheads if we didn't check this citadel.

… That, or it was under guard by the Elite of the Elite.

Once again, _joy_.

"Oi! What's that supposed to mean, you damn Shinigami?!" The Shiba got right in my face as the other member of the motley crew just sat back and sweated nervously. "It's exactly what I said it was- I was far away, and I felt you two, and I just assumed that you would be riding his dick." He gritted his teeth. "How did you know that it wasn't a GIRL that I had with me?!" That actually made me pause.

The thought never crossed my mind.

"Have you seen your face?"

Yeah, I suppose that was the reason.

"Anyway- I'm guessing you two were going to go in there and try to get Rukia out?" The Shiba calmed down a bit as they both nodded. "And you realize, that with a gigantic building like this, and the fact everyone and their mother knows that Rukia is being held here, that it wouldn't have at _least_ 2 Lieutenants guarding it?" They appeared a lot less confident in their plan. "You dumb asses-" "Hey!" "Whatever, I'm here now, and I have enough juice to take down whatever they throw at us… Probably- so let's go." "U-U-Um, but, you appear to be i-injured?" I looked at the other Shinigami and raised my eyebrow. "You call this injured?" "... W-Well, you have cuts everywhere, your left arm seems like it could break by even a gust of wind, you're favoring your right side a bit, and you look like you were limping with your left le-" "Okay! Okay, I get it!"

Cheeky little mother fucker.

"Let's hurry this along so we can get on with the mission." I told him as I sat down next to the wall and let him start bandaging me up.

Now that I had some down time, though, I closed my eyes and started thinking a bit.

 _That voice from before… It wasn't Mangetsu, and it wasn't Esin, so who the hell was it? It was male from the vice, but that could have been some kind of ploy- it is my mind, after all, and they could do just about anything in it. But from the way they both were screwing around earlier, that meant that they either handled it, or… Didn't know about it. But then again, it was cut off, so they probably handled it for now. But now on to a more relevant topic for me- what is undoubtedly waiting for me up ahead when we go to save Rukia. Knowing the Shinigami's perverse sense of humor, they sent Byakuya to watch over her- and if the news of my beating several of their Captains got to them, then surely they have another one there, too. It won't be Soifon, she's busy, nor the Captains I had just tumbled with today, so that crosses off another 3. Word around the grapevine is that another was outright MURDERED, but that might be a ploy to get us to relax our guard a bit, but the one they said was killed won't be coming for us and they can't let us see the 'Dead', after all. Then another rumor that his Lieutenant went haywire, and another Captain had to detain him or her, so that marks off another 2. That leaves… 4, marking off the Sou-Taicho, and the medic, as it would be stupid to send out the Medic to the front lines. So, 4 of them are left… But somehow, I know it has to be-_

"Gin Ichimaru." I muttered as I opened my eyes and stood up, the weak member of Squad 4's job done. "Alright, let's head out- and when I say run, you god, damn, _RUN_!" I hissed at them, exerting a lot of Reishi as I did so, making them sweat and nod.

Last thing I needed was to jump in the way of a spell or sword and take something _else_ up the ass today.

I scratched my bandaged cheek from my perch as the guards for Rukia walked her out of the prison(Probably to transfer her into a different cell somewhere else to wait for the chopping day.) and made their way into the hall leading to the streets of Seireitei.

Bingo.

Moving quickly, I took out the guards and motioned for the big lumax to take Rukia. "Ichi… go?" She whispered as I knocked her out and handed her to Ganju. "Take her, and get the hell out of dodge to the sewer systems- the others are waiting there." "Hmph. No need to tell me twice-" He took Hanataro too by the scruff of his neck and started to head in the opposite direction we had come in. The idiot seemed to forget I had already told him once, so this WAS the second time.

The R Tard.

"And then there were 3." I spoke as I turned around to face the 2 Captains I knew would be guarding the prisoner. "So, who wants a little bit of lovin' from THE MooMoo-Senpai himself?" I grinned and swirled my sword by it's handle in my hand. "From who?" Byakuya raised an eyebrow as Gin's grin only grew.

Oh right- I was supposed to be Kurosaki Ichigo.

"It matters little of your games, Kurosaki Ichigo-" Yep, see? "You are, however, in possession of a traitor to the Seireitei, and that is in violation of the law." He drew his blade. "So for that, I shall be your executioner, and then find the traitor and deliver her to the cell myself."

"I'd like to see you try, Byakuya-Boy!" I grinned when his eyebrow twitched. Let's see if I could break pretty boy over here.

He appeared behind me, but I blocked his slash with my sword and pushed him back, and then quickly turned to try and backhand him, but he moved the slightest bit to get out of the reach of my attack, and tried to hack my hand off, but I bent my arm at the elbow, barely escaping not having a hand- again... In the same day.

Not a very good day, so far.

Soon enough, me and him were clashing swords. "Geez, I'm afraid to tell you I don't bat for the other team, Byakuya-Boy!" I grinned as I put more pressure onto my blade. "Making us touch swords- how naughty of you!" I took the moment his eye twitched to pull back on my blade, and while he was sent forward due to the force he was exerting before, I uppercutted him back towards where he was before as his eyes widened.

"Come on, boy, I expected more of a Head of House." I tsked as I shook my head. "Rookie mistakes- what would your teacher say about this if they knew? Probably would be ashamed more from the fact that you take one up the butt every night than that mistake, but hey- who am I to judge when it comes to wienies up the bumhole?" I ran towards him but had to duck under a-

"Okay, seriously- where do you guys get all these god damn KUSANAGI'S?!" I yelled as I was forced back by the rip off sword almost impaling me through the chest. Byakuya just glared at me as Gin smiled creepily at me- okay, that was normal, I suppose. "I suppose I underestimated your power- or maybe even my own abilities. Either way, this is wasting time I could be using to catch the perpetrator. Gin-Taicho, deal with him while I go find Rukia." "Aye aye, Captain!" Gin saluted and sent his sword at me once more as Byakuya turned to leave. "Don't."

Which he would have, if a lightning bolt hadn't hit where he was about to step.

He turned to where I was, fingers pointed outward, and the other hand holding Gin's sword in a death grip as blood slowly trickled down it's length as he tried in vain to pull it back to it's shorter length.

"Try me, you sons of butt licking dick munchers."

I think I broke him because I could have sworn I heard one of his teeth chip he was grinding them so hard.

"Shatter, Senbonzakura." So now it's time to get serious, I suppose.

Shooting more Byakurai at the man(Ironic that I am using his favorite technique against him-), I kept my grip on the sword hard enough so that instead of being pulled back, Gin shot at me, causing him to let out a "Weeeeeeeee!".

Can't blame the guy, I would have done the same.

But I do blame the guy for not trying anything to avoid or block the punch I gave to his face.

As I dodged some petals, I could have sworn he muttered something along the lines of "Mr. Fist, meet Mr. Face." as he laid there on the ground. Could have been my imagination though. Ducking and weaving through the Shikai, I made my way towards where Byakuya was, and as I got close enough, I tried to punch his face-

Keyword being tried.

He just vanished in some fucking petals which had me feeling out for any Reiatsu to see where he was. Ah ha! He was- right behind me.

Fuck!

Turning as quick as I could, I stuck out my fingers near his sword arm's shoulder, just as he pointed his at my chest.

Fuuuuuu-

Two lightning blasts went forward, each parallel from each other as we both widened our eyes and coughed up some blood(My cough totally had more blood though- wait, was I really making a contest out of who spat up more blood?... Hell yeah, and I totally won!). "Sh-Shit!" Crap, my vision was blurring and my bandages were either unravelling themselves or getting soaked in more of my blood. Thank god I was still able to see relatively even with it blurred(Thank you, all those bar nights-), and was able to dodge Gin's sword without any major cuts except the shallow gash on my left arm now.

I'd like to say I was able to buy the two morons some time to get out of here and to the sewer system, but knowing my luck, one of the remaining Captains or Lieutenants found them and stopped their progression, or- more likely- if I turned tail and ran now, they wouldn't have enough time to get out and to the sewer before either Gin or pole up his ass found them.

Well, looks like this turned into a suicide mi-

"Surprise butt sex!" I yelped out as someone shanked me from behind.

Sorry, not surprise butt sex- I am just so used to saying that it right on popped out on its own.

"Gah! What the hell was that!" I turned behind me to find a Black chick with purple hair looking at me like I had 2 heads… Or just screamed Surprise butt sex, either or. "The hell's your deal, you crazy skank?! You don't just run up to people and stab them in the back with your hand!" I yelled at her as I bent over and held my side.

That fucking hurt, damn it!

"You- aren't unconscious?" "No, you asinine basic bitch, I am not! God, that fucking hurt!" I screamed as I continued to hold my side. "People don't go unconscious when you literally _stab_ them in the side!" She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Huh- guess that anaesthetic didn't work." Anae- Anaesthetic?! "You tried to drug me in the middle of a BATTLE?! The fuck is wrong with you?!" She rubbed her head sheepishly. "Well, you were kind of supposed to go to sleep, where I then epically save you from getting your ass kicked- or at least further getting your ass kicked- as I run off into the sunset to god knows where to help you recuperate." I stared at her.

"You realize how much that sounds like a fucked up tale of a princess and her prince, right? Like Shequashas was out at a bar drinking alone, then Tyrone came along, slipped something into her drink, then when she drank it and fell asleep he went and took her to his house for a night of fun kind of fucked up?" Even the Captains were staring at me now. "... Whatever, let's just get the fuck out of here-" The chick finally spoke up with a facepalm as she grabbed me and Shunpoed out of the area.

Looking back from where we currently were, I saw Gin talking to Byakuya(Probably something along the lines of 'You'll be spurtin' more blood if you go after them then a virgin bride'.) and saw him stiffly nod, as he walked in the direction of the 4th Squad.

Well, that is one problem down, I thought as I drifted off.

Remember kids, if a strange woman comes to try and abduct you by drugging, and then stuffing you in cave when you finally wake up, call an Adult.

Sadly for this protagonist, he has no such thing in the general vicinity.

Groaning as I sat up from the ground, I was given the sight of a pair of marvelous kittens smack dab staring at me in the face. Now, like any other sane man in the world, I just had to go ahead and motorboat the hell out of them.

"Not the exact response I had been looking for, but then again, I'm not a hormonal teenage male who just woke up." Looking up to see who owned the things I was devoting almost all my attention to, I saw the chick from before. "Oh- it's you." And then I promptly went back o motorboating.

Priorities, people- ya need 'em.

She apparently decided that was enough, and stood up. "Okay, we need to get serious here- no matter how much I liked the attention for my girls~" Here she crossed her arms lifted them up a bit.

It's amazing I had any blood left for it to go down south with all the shit tons of amounts I lost in it over the last day.

"We need to get you prepared to fight a Captain in less than 3 days." Well now that was a sobering experience. "Kay, first off- the fuck are you, and why do you have such amazing funbags?" Priorities, kids. Have them.

"Ouch, you were having such a fun time with me, and you don't even remember little old me? I'm hurt-" "I'm sorry, it must be the effects of the drugs you administered to me while I was fighting for my life against 2 Captains." Yeah, 2 can play this game. "Okay, fine, spoil the fun- it's me, Yoruichi." Stare. "Oh come on, it's not that hard to believe, right?" "It's not so much the fact it's hard to believe, more so the fact I'm trying to remember a Yoruichi." Here she face planted.

"Are- Are you for real?! I helped your ass get here, you know!" I just shrugged my shoulders helplessly. "HOW CAN YOU FORGET ABOUT A TALKING CAT?!" Oh- so she was Mr. Whiskers! "Oh, so you're Mr. Whiskers!" I looked her up and down. "You have a lot more junk in the trunk then I had initially expected." Her eye just twitched. "Just follow me, you Baka."

On our way through the halls, I had to ask a few questions. "Really? Those are your 3 numbers?" I whistled. Okay, on to the less serious questions. "You know what happened to the others?" "Yeah, they were all caught and are now in the Seireitei holding cells and Rukia has been contained again until the execution in 71 hours." I stopped as my mind shut down for a second. "You- You're kidding, right? Like, for real, none of my hard work has just been wasted, right, because of your stupid decision to roofie me, correct?" She shook her head and continued on.

"SON OF A BIT-"

I angrily stomped out towards the field where the bitch wanted me to go. "Well, we're here, and NOT trying to salvage all that work I did to prevent any of them from getting captured- what do you want me to do now, your highness?!" She didn't seem to appreciate my tone so she just roughly shoved some kind of doll into my hands. "Just shove your damn sword into the thing, smart ass."

"Why the hell do you want to murder an inanimate object?" I mean, I've hated things enough to the point where I have arguments with them(Don't think that argument is over yet, you damn couch-), but just stabbing them?

That's cold blooded.

"We don't have time for your stupidity- you need to use all the time you can to prepare for your fight with the Captains! Right now, you only have Shikai, as do the other Captains, but what you don't know, is that they have a release that transcends even the power of Shikai-" "Bankai, yeah, I know." "-That is called Ban-kai… How do you know that?" She narrowed her eyes at me. "You mean besides the fact that I've already fought a Captain in Bankai? I had a little chat with someone you are probably quite attached to- a, Soifon, if I'm not mistaken? Well, we had a little time to waste, so we talked about... things." "Things? Like wh-" "You don't need to know of what" I waved her off. "But having this Bankai thing could prove to be an invaluable variable in upcoming fights with not just the Captains, but anyone else that dares tread in my path, so I suppose I could give this a go." She blinked at my monologue. "That's a lot of big words you just used there, kid." "Yeah, I get that a lot." I grinned at her then went to shove my sword into the doll-

" _ **STOP!"**_ " **Don't do it!"** That made me pause for a bit. Why the hell not? " _ **Um, uh, it's because, because-"**_ " **It's because you already have access to Bankai and shouldn't waste your time in summoning Mangetsu when you can spend it training in other things you don't even have access to."** That had me curious- like what, and how did I already have Bankai? " **For the first question, you should just ask the pussy over there, and as for how you already have it- well, you already had Shikai, and you didn't exactly gain your sword like a regular Shinigami does, so that most likely has to do with it."** I don't know- " **Hmph. You realize with this, you are one step closer to getting back your Hollow powers, and to shoving your foot up that prick Byakuya's ass, right?"** Fuck it, you had me at Hollow!

Strapping my sword back onto my back, I went over to the confused black lady. "Oi! I was just told I already had Bankai, and I was also told to ask you to train me in something I don't already have." "Like what? I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to swords-" "Well then, maybe we do this without swords?" I grinned and threw my sword across the field until it hit the wall, embedding it in there.

"Oh? And what exactly did you have in mind?"

My grin grew psychotic. "A little bee told me you were a master at speed?"

I don't think I've popped a boner quite as big as this yet in this dimension at her devilish grin and cat like pose.

Though it still paled in comparison to the boner I got from that one Christmas party where there was Naked Karaoke and I was up next.

What happened next was a blur, but at the end I was covered in nothing but singles and thongs with a lampshade on my head and a woman with questionable citizenship between my legs.

Those were the days.

 **VOTE IN MY POLL ON MY PROFILE PAGE FOR NEW CHAPTERS, DAMN IT!**


	7. So call me maybe(Not you, fatso)

**Hello again, my adoring morons- it is I, your one true love; Kitsune-Dama.**

 **And let me tell you- not too pleased with the outcome of the votes.**

 **In the end, back when I started to write this new chapter, the poll had a three way tie- of one vote each for three different people.**

 **And no matter how long I waited, it didn't change- so I was forced to do a tie breaker _myself_** **, by rolling some dice, and all that good jazz.**

So if you didn't get who you wanted to fight in this chapter- boo fucking hoo for you, Cindy Loo Who.

Also, I got in an accident a while back, so I had to go to the ER, and now I'm down a writing hand and my creative flow is chopped up from all the meds I've been having to take.

And I know I wrote some of this Chapter while under those drugs, but for the life of me, I cannot remember which part- doesn't help I write like I'm usually high all the time either, but whatever. Read your new fucking Chapter.

"I wonder what I'm going to have for dinner tonight?" I asked myself, scratching the bandage on my cheek as I waited for the ritual(I was told it wasn't a ritual, and just a precursor to the execution, but I know a fucking ritual sacrifice to summon Satan when I see one-) to start. That damn pussy was extremely aggressive when it came to training, and I was sure she was just getting off every time I lost a pint of blood.

I know I was.

Misogyny aside, the Head Captain was starting to talk about… something, I couldn't tell what it was from my perch directly behind Rukia.

Did I mention Shinigami leave weak ass precautions to ensure the soon to be dead are ensured to be dead soon?

Because they do.

Or maybe they are just inherently terrible at sensing people, as the person I was behind had yet to take notice of my presence too… Even as I talked to myself about what I would have for dinner out loud.

Maybe that was just at thing with people about to be executed?

Don't know- maybe the impending realization that she is actually, for real, about to _die_ had some form of effect on her psyche and in turn made her hollow(HA! Puns!) to the outside world, nothing short of her impending death allowing her to take stock of her surroundings for one last time?

… I really miss when I was psychotic and not philosophical 24/7-

Ah, fuck it! I'll figure out whether to have cream corn or gravy with my mashed potatoes later! Right now, it's saving private Rukia time-

"Release the Sōkyoku!" Release the what now?

Did they _seriously_ name an executioner's blade-

"Holy shit! A Moltres!" This wasn't Victory Road! Why the hell did a random Moltres just appear out of nowhere then?!

Damn you, Pokemon Go and Team Valor(Okay, maybe not the Valor part, as I myself am Valor, but, you know what I mean.). "Oh dear god, we angered Arceus and he sent upon us a plague of fire chickens- IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE NO USABILITY OUTSIDE OF THE NEVER USED TIER!" I yelled at it, finally announcing my presence to everyone.

Hey, if it was between appeasing a Legendary Pokemon and gaining the ire of every Shinigami here, well- I didn't used to fight Legendaries constantly as a profession before I came here, let's just leave it at that.

"Ich...go?" Well, seems Ms. Murder over here finally noticed I was right next to her. "Yeah, yeah, close enough to it." I told her as the fire chicken roared at us. Wait, was Moltres Fire Chicken, or Bird Jesus? No, I think that one was Pidgeot- damn it, I don't follow Twitch enough to be in the know for all this, shit!

"I'd stand back and cover your eyes for this next part, kid." I told her as I took out a pair of sunglasses(That totally made me look 17% more badass- it's a fact, I did the research myself.) and put them on. "Because this next scene is rated PG-13."

"OH DEAR GOD- WHY DIDN'T I USE MY SWORD FOR THIS?!" I yelled as I held back a literal construct made almost entirely of flames(The rest was a giant halberd, as my sore and burning hands could attest-) with just my hands.

Good thing I put on the glasses, because this little incident just bumped my badass scale by about 100%.

And considering the fact that it was at about -69% when I first put the glasses on… Well, let's just forget this ever happened.

"I AM SO CUTTING YOU IN HALF NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT!" I told it as it reared back to try and get more leverage this time to try and burn us crispier than KFC's new original recipe- not like I was gonna let it though.

"You asked for it, you overgrown Popeyes mascot! I told them I wanted it spicier, but they _obviously_ didn't deliver enough in that aspect if I'm still standing and not on the ground- or in the crapper, either way, you're dead!" It thought I was kidding when I said I'd chop it in half? Like hell I was, I thought as I brought out my -

It only just occurred to me that the thing probably didn't even speak Americanese, Spanglish, or Japlish(Or whatever god forsaken language I fucking speak-), but I only tell something I was gonna slice it's ass so bad, not even George Bush would recognize it once, before I start slicing some cherries-

I mean asses-

Giving a grunt, I summoned(Don't know how that works, it just does-) my giant deli slicer into my hand, gathered up a bit of Reiatsu, and released a purple(No, not violet, you cultured rich assholes who don't know that purple is an actual _color_.), crescent shaped blast that bisected the bird in two.

The rest was in slow motion, as everyone's eyes started to widen and jaws made their way to the floor, as one half of the bird started to fall away from the other, before the fire suddenly dissipated and all that was left was a giant halberd- albeit, a giant, _broken_ halberd, but apparently it wasn't just a massive advertisement for… Basically every chicken restaurant ever. And then everything sped up again as the two pieces of the blade fell and landed on the ground, scattering dust and dirt everywhere.

"Y-You, you actually _cut the Sōkyoku_ in half?!" "Yep." Apparently, no one but Soifon took notice that I was now near them enough to hear, and answer her in their shocked state."The Zanpakutō that has been said to hold power equivalent to _one million_ Zanpakutō?!" "Well, to be fair, they were probably the weakest ones in existence- that, or mine is at a level high above a measly one million." I boasted.

I had expected a 'Damn straight!' to resound within my mind at that, but all I got was static(Er, more static than _normal_ , at least-).

Well, my mood was now dampened knowing I'd have to go back to see _those_ assholes as soon as I was done here to see the hell was happening to make them this quiet.

Ah, but on to current matters, it seemed the rest of the present Captains and Lieutenants knew I was now right next to them.

"Gah! Weren't you just up there with the- the prisoner! What did you do with her?!" The fat ass Lieutenant of Squad 2 yelled as he pointed at me. "What I did with her is none of your-" "God damn, Kurosaki! Did you really have to throw her like a fucking football at me?!" And there goes that plan.

Thanks, Renji Fuckerai.

"Just get out of here with her, you damn moron." This was part of my new plan to rescue Rukia- because a certain _pussy_ decided to screw up the last one, so I decided to distract the entirety of the Gōtei 13 while discreetly getting Rukia out of here, via someone who wasn't me(AKA, someone nowhere near as noticeable as my dumb ass- which there was a fairly good shortage of, so the dumb ass had to do… Which, obviously didn't work out as I wanted it to.).

But all good plans had to be able to adapt, I suppose.

"Ōmaeda! You and the other Lieutenants go after the prisoner, while we handle the Ryoka!" Soifon barked as the chosen one of the fat clumsily saluted and went to follow Fruity as two other Lieutenants went to follow after him.

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen." I told them as I blocked their path.

"Grrr, buttsubuse, Gegetsuburi!"

" Hashire, Itegumo!"

"Ugate, Gonryōmaru!"

Ah, geez, it's always the hard way.

"Well, I suppose I only have a few short words for you all." I told them as the Lieutenant of Squad's 1 and 4 bum rushed me, and the buffon of Squad 2 threw an iron spiked ball at my head.

"Move bitch." I backhanded the ball, and instead of immense pain in my hand, the ball broke into many little pieces as the fat ass gaped at me. "Get out, the way-" I continued as I ducked under a slash from the Sai like Shikai, kicked the wielder's hand, causing the weapon to fly into the air as I appeared behind her and kicked her to the ground before grabbing her weapon and shoving it into the ground right next to her hands, causing them to be stuck on both sides of the weapon. "Get out the way, bitch-" The old fart appeared behind me and tried to stab me(More than likely in the ass, as that appears to be every Shinigami's favorite part to target for sharp, pointy objects.), but I twisted around at the last second, avoiding his attack and proceeded to punch him in the face, sending him flying into unconsciousness _and_ a rock.

"Get out the way."

And then there were six.

Each of them a Captain- five being ones that are revered all throughout the Seireitei for either their renowned cruelty or power, four being very old, very _experienced_ Captains, three of them being people who want my head on a platter without a singular doubt in my mind, two of which held twin Zanpakutō(If what the Pussy told me was correct-), and one of which was apparently the oldest, wisest, and by far _strongest_ Shinigami alive.

I could only begin to ponder how I got stuck with clean up duty.

"So, uh, any chance of you all letting these matches be one on one?" I asked skeptically as they each raised their Zanpakutō.

Of course not.

Though the strangest thing happened after that- the two that had dual swords(One of them being Trans-Taicho if I recall-) then walked in front of the Captain of Captains and stood in battle positions.

Towards the old man, at least.

"Kyoraku-Taicho, Ukitake-Taicho, what is the meaning of this?!" The old man questioned them as the sickly looking one gripped his swords tighter and Trans-Taicho lowered his hat to cover his eyes. "Sorry Old Man-Yama, but me and Jūshirō here both agree that you've crossed the boundaries when it comes to listening to the Central 46- I mean, come on, execution on the grounds of giving a human her powers temporarily…? That's just suspect and you know it- but did you take action against it? Of course not, you just went along with everything they said like an obedient dog!" I'll give him this- he's got cohonas for calling the Sou-Taicho a lap dog.

Now if only those balls were used on someone that didn't like crossdressing-

"You- You foolish brats!" He roared out as the temperature around us all increased exponentially(Damn, I didn't bring my sun tan lotion-). "It would appear that the two of you are in need of some discipline- Unohana, Soifon, Byakuya, deal with the Ryoka and re-capture the prisoner! I'll be dealing with these two disobedient brats who are in need of some much deserved spankings!"

Okay, I just felt a little bile come up.

"Hai, Sou-Taicho!" They all saluted(Except for the one called 'Unohana'- she just smiled at him. I shudder at the thought of what inappropriate things that could be very real, and done to me if the smile on her face was what I thought it was-) as he, Trans-Taicho, and Cailou(Gonna call him that, as they are likely cancer patients.) went off somewhere in the forest surrounding the hill.

And then there was 3; 2 of which were inexperienced compared to the rest, the other one being nothing more than a healer-

All of which I could kick the ass of.

Oh, sure, I could have beaten all of them(Including the really old fart-) if I had really needed too, there was no doubt about that. It was the fact that I would have been walking out of there with four limbs, all my internal organs, and enough Reiatsu and Reishi to continue on to beat any other Captains I may have encountered that came into question.

The correct answer probably wouldn't surprise you.

"Okay, so I guess the bitch is up first?" I grinned and shouldered my blade. "So you two ladies just sit back and enjoy the ass kicking I'll be giving to bitch over here and wait your turn to get a piece of me."

Ah, how I do enjoy chipping that kids teeth he grinds them so much.

"No- you're opponent will be me." Huh, didn't expect the girl to be so readily willing to fight me; especially after our little pow wow- and here I thought we had actually bonded.

But that just wouldn't do-

I was supposed to fight… well, basically everyone, EXCEPT for Soifon(I won't lie- got really lucky to have two of the Captains go rogue and fight off the Sou-Taicho.)- that was meant to be done by the Pussy's hands, not mine.

The way she threatened Mini-Mu made it very crystal clear about that.

"Eh, uh, sorry, but you know what they say; bitches, men who dress effeminately, and people with several dozen feet poles up there ass come before anyone else- and he fits all of those categories perfectly, so you'll just have to wait your turn." At this rate, the prick would attack me before she could even attempt to argue-

"I know who trained you."

Ah, fucking damn it- confusion always overpowers anger.

And right now, both the Captains(And even me-) were confused as hell over what she just said.

"Pardon?" I asked her as she stepped up closer to me. "Don't try to act stupid with me- I know what you've been doing these past 3 days, and with who." Oh boy. But that just begs the question of- "I found that fool Abarai on the ground, next to dead, and interrogated him in exchange for me bandaging him enough so he could at least move."

Looks like I was going to have freshly minced pineapple for a snack tonight-

"Alright, I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but your 'Mentor' is coming soon to 'Greet' you, so why don't you just sit back and wait for her to arrive by watching me rip the prick a new one that he could stick another object in?" I whispered to her when she got close enough so that no one could hear me-

It was more so that Yoruichi(Who I knew was around here somewhere-) wouldn't hear me and kick my ass later for spilling that tid bit of information.

"I'm not looking to fight her today."

Say what now?

Was this really the woman the Pussy had told me about- the one with a 'Sensei' complex the size of my dick(As you could probably tell, it's rather big… Either one of the afore mentioned things.) and the one who also resented her just as much for leaving her behind? And neither of those two things I had to be told- because after meeting her once, I could tell both of those things with ease.

"Pardon me, but I thought you had a score to settle with the Wicked Pussy of the North?" She stiffly nodded as she shot a glance to a set of trees in the distance(Where I could feel the Pussy was lying in wait for her 'Prey'- god damn it, now that mental image had me getting a bit uncomfortable with these pants!) and looked back at me. "I still do- but I decided that showing who the best protege of hers was would be enough for now, and I do more than likely have more of a chance to beat you than her." She clenched her fists as she looked down at the ground.

"... Yeah, that's fine and dandy and everything, but, uh- she promised to do some, relatively _nasty_ things to me if I didn't allow her to deal with you, so I think I'd rather go up against Byakuya there over- gah!" I gave a strangled cry as she reached up and grabbed my neck to pull her down to her level.

"I swear to every and any god out there right now, that if you so much as _look_ in his direction again, that I will rip off what makes you a man, shove it in your mouth, then cut off your testicles, rip out your eyeballs, replace them _with_ your testicles, then slowly, _agonizingly_ slowly pull off each of your nails as I stick a _fucking_ _pole_ up your ass!" She threatened as I paled.

"... You realize-" "That you have the biggest boner right now? Yes- it's poking me in my stomach." "... Do you want to-" "No. Now follow me." "Man, no one ever wants to- whatever. Lead the way, tiny asian woman who wants to rip my dick off!" I saluted as she shook her head and Shunpoed into the forestry, with me following behind her.

"So, this a showdown or something? You weren't too clear on the details here." I told her as we stopped in a clearing far away from the other two Captains.

… Huh, it only just occurred to me that Yoruichi might have just followed us and left the other two back there to their own devices.

Fuck.

"This will be a battle to see which of us is clearly the better one." She told me as she threw off her Captain's Haori and settled into a stance. "What- that's it? No rules like 'Only Hakuda' or 'No Zanjutsu'?" I quirked a brow as she brought out her own Zanpakutō. "No. Mostly because you'll need every advantage you can get." She smirked.

"Jinteki Shakusetsu, Suzumebachi."

I had to cover my eyes as dust kicked up from the Captain releasing a hold on her Reiryoku that every Captain attempted to do(Except for Zaraki, at least-), and with her release, it was even bigger. Quickly regaining my bearings, I looked over to her to see the sword was gone, but instead, a gauntlet was in it's place on her right hand, with what resembled a stinger on her middle finger.

Already knew not to get stinged by those buggers-

"Hm, interesting- Shikai's, like it's Bankai equivalent is usually a big show boat- massive pressure and size, but yours is the exact opposite. Your's pressurizes your Reiatsu into a small form, thus giving you a bigger boost in power and speed. Fitting for the current head of the Onmitsukidō." I scratched my chin as I looked at it. "What's even more peculiar, is that it seems so much like mine, and at the same time, seems like complete opposites. Mine gives me no special powers, unlike yours I'm sure, but I do gain a massive boost in Reiatsu and physical attributes- much like yours. And again unlike yours, mine is massive, focusing in strength while yours seems to have a minute appearance in favor of speed, but once again, I'm sure that they are alike in that they hold incredible damage potential, and that receiving any more than one hit against the opponent means a sure downfall for them."

"... You okay?" "Yeah, ever since a little incident, my inner scientist has been making its way back to the surface- utterly insufferable that part of me is, I tell ya." I shook my head as I settled into my own stance, sword foregone.

"No sword?" "No- I don't think I'll get the chance to hit you with it anyway with it's massive size." I smiled wryly as I sped towards her as slammed fists with her own. "Incredible speed for someone new to our speed techniques- truly, Yoruichi can turn even a fool like you into a worthy foe." "I take offense to that, you know-" I told her as I sent out a punch with my other hand, which she ducked under, and tried to sweep me off my feet but I jumped in the air at the last second and tried to drop kick her to avoid getting hit midair, but she rolled away at the last second too and jumped to her feet.

"Let's take this up a notch!" I grinned and appeared behind while throwing out a kick, but she somehow twisted and caught my foot in between her forearm and bicep while slamming her left foot on my right leg, preventing me from moving and giving her perfect access to-

Oh boy.

"This is called Takigoi." She stated as she went in for an uppercut-

"AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I screamed in a high pitched voice as her attack struck home and I was sent flying into a tree. I could have sworn I heard The Turtles singing 'Happy Together' in the background too.

"Alright!" I growled as I stood up from my previous ball of death position on the ground. "No more nice guy trying not to chop you into minced meat!" I yelled as I sprinted towards her for a punch. "Pathetic-" She scoffed as she lifted her arm to block- only for me to disappear at the last second and reappear behind her.

"What?!" And she blocked it still?! "I'll admit, your speed is impressive- but it is still not on par with mine, and no doubt Yoruichi's speed. Allow me to demonstrate." She disappeared from my sight, only to reappear directly in front of me, so I threw out a quick punch, only for it to go right threw her. "What what in the butt?!" I yelled again as _fourteen_ more copies of her reappeared from different angles around me.

Ah biscuits.

"You think fourteen of you scares me? HA! That's cute! I've faced dozens of Shinigami back to back before! One real you and thirteen fakes doesn't bother me one bit!" Okay, it bothered me a _wee_ bit because I wasn't anywhere near as strong as I was then, but she didn't need to know that. "Hmph. Let's just test that then, shall we?"

Me and my big mouth.

After that it was basically a slaughter fest, as any time I would counter an attack from any of the Soifon's that popped up near me, they were a fake and then the real one would pop up in my blind spot and attempt stab me with her stinger, that only worked probably one out of every five attempts(Which did give me these sweet tattoo's when they did though-), and any time I _didn't_ fall for the obvious bait and counter the first Soifon to pop up near me, it was either the real Soifon or three more of the speed demons would pop up to attack and distract me.

"It's over!" She appeared behind me again and went to stab in one of the few places she had a marking on my entire body(There were only about six, and she went for the one on my forehead- then there was one on my back, left leg, left arm, stomach, the bottom of my right foot, and then the one on my forehead… I kind of went in for a headbutt against one of them and the one I targetted kind of turned out to be the real one.) while I was distracted _again_ by a few of her constructs. And if from what I had observed(Which was she kept going for the markings already made on my body and didn't try to make new ones-) from her, I didn't want to let that happen.

So I had one of two options to make to save my hide-

Might as well go for the one I was less versed in.

"Bankai…"

Right as her Shikai would have pierced nearly into my brain, the output of Reiatsu I was giving pushed her back so much she slammed into a tree and dust blew everywhere from my new power.

"I-Impossible! Bankai takes _decades_ to achieve, and you haven't shown any use of it before, so you actually gained Bankai in THREE DAYS?!" "I actually apparently always had it- I learned some other things over these last three days." I told her as I walked out of the dust and cracked my neck. "Granted, I didn't want to use it and haven't used it before today, but you kind of forced my hand."

As I observed my own transformation, I could easily tell the gargantuan differences between it and Shikai. Unlike my Shikai, that didn't change my appearance whatsoever, this one actually changed my attire. Gone was the previous Shinigami wardrobe, replaced by a skin tight, black, tattered trench coat that had red innards, as well as red fur on the neck and wrist areas, and my pants were replaced by skin tight black hakama pants, most likely made for aerodynamics like the coats was for too. I had no shirt under it, though the bandages from before from my training with the Pussy were still intact, covered partially by multiple black x's that criss-crossed across my chest and stomach area, acting as buttons for the coat, and my sandals were replaced by blood red geta's as well. It also appeared my hair grew a little in length as I now had bangs covering my face, unlike before.

The most obvious difference from Shikai though would be the MASSIVE influx of Reiatsu though- it was enormous enough to the point where I was finding it difficult to ascertain whether this or my old release had more Reiatsu- probably my old one, but not by nearly as much as I had expected it to be.

And then there was my sword.

Instead of a giant khyber knife, it was now a relatively wide daitō that was entirely white with three massive spikes jutting along its length, making it look like it could be a saw over an actual traditional Japanese sword, and had an extension pointing downwards towards the ground, and yet another massive hole in the middle of the blade(Seriously, it's like the bitch was trying to make fun of my Hollow heritage-), and an equally white handle, guard, and tsuba. Another strange thing was the information flooding my head on how to use the sword- stances, abilities, techniques, all there.

And so was the name of the sword.

"Mugen no Mangetsu."

"So, little bee-" Cue eye twitch. "I suggest you activate whatever power ups you have now, because if you don't-" I appeared next to the real Soifon and leaned my elbow on her head. "You're gonna have a bad time." "Tch-" She scoffed and got out from under me and Shunpoed to the opposite side of the field. "I do not care if you have Bankai- you are still nowhere near my level of skill, I won't even need to activate _that_ to beat you." She sneered as three of her clones clouded my vision of her and attempted to stab me.

Attempted.

"Remember how I said I've faced dozens of Shinigami before and that what you're doing right now is nothing to that?" I asked as the real Soifon appeared behind me and stuck her hand threw my back with her stinger- only to pass right through me.

"Welcome to one of the techniques I used to do so."

Of course, this was only be a bastardized version of the actual thing- even with this Bankai thing, I wasn't fast enough still to recreate the full embodiment of the technique, but it still held enough speed for me to get a proper grasp on its main concept and use a lesser version of it.

"Behold, Estallido Año Luz." I told her as I started to Shunpo fast enough to create over thirty projections of myself, startling the real Soifon enough to cause her own technique to disperse. "W-Wh-What?!" "Oh, I know what you're thinking- 'How was he able to recreate my own technique after only just witnessing it once, and even able to do it _better_ than myself?!', well, don't flatter yourself honey, because this one is all, natural… I probably used that wrong, but screw it-" I dismissed the thought as one of my projections flashed forward faster than she had been anticipated and almost cut her arm off had she not luckily blocked it with her gauntlet.

"It's- It's real?!" "You betcha, hot stuff." I said from behind her as I slashed at her exposed back that splashed blood everywhere. "How?! The one in front of me has to be-" She looked back to see the projection was still there, and indeed the sword was still very real too. "That's for me to know and you to most likely not figure out until you go Bankai." "Like hell I'd go Bankai!" Yeesh, I didn't expect her to be this vehement against using her greatest technique-

"What are you- a fool? I think we've already established you're not going to win unless you do." "Then I'll just have to establish that you are wrong now won't I?" She growled as she pushed off the clone in front of her and tried to swiftly kick it, only to get leg cut along the opening in at her thigh by another of me.

"HOW?! All of you can't be physical, so HOW?!" "Well, I guess one little hint won't hurt, and considering you need every advantage you can get, I'll tell you this- my technique, while different from yours, is not entirely different in its concepts. Each of these me's are indeed, made through my immense speed. But enough on that- it's time for your spankings." I grinned as her eyes widened.

This was always my favorite part any time I fought someone female.

"Let's count them before I have even one, shall we?" One clone appeared behind her and slammed his hand right on her ass, causing her to yelp, turn red, and turn around to give the one that did it a righteous punch in the dick- "This is two a better relationship between us~" I said as the one in front of her disappeared and another took its place, only for her hand to phase through it and yet _another_ clone slammed his hand onto her other, untouched cheek from behind. "Gah?!" "Ooooooooooh, got a nice red tint going there, so though the rest of three is so pale, it's almost a crime!" One of my afterimages uppercutted her into the air, causing her to lose her breath as another jumped above her and slammed her to the ground by slapping her, _again_ , on the ass. "This is almost no fun anymore- but I say almost four a reason." She quickly regained her senses and rolled out of the way before she could be stomped into the ground, and backed away as another punch was sent her way, before jumping over a slash from one more, but finally screamed as she was sent forward by another slap. "You know, this isn't even pun anymore, so I think I'll get on with this."

God I hate myself.

"You know, I can't tell which is redder, your face or your butt- why don't you pull your pants down so I can see?" I told her as I slowly made my way to where she was starting to wobbly get up. "You, ass-" She growled as she sloppily ran at me and punched, but it ran right through me again.

"I wonder if this is how ghosts feel whenever tangible objects touch them… Oh wait, I am a ghost-" That bummed me out a bit. "Fine, I guess it's time to use my totally original, not stolen technique that has beaten many a foe-" "If it has anything to do with my ass, I'll make sure to stick something in YOURS!"

Well there goes the Thousand Years of Pain thing.

Time for plan B-

"Whatever, spoilsport- it's time for the Mu- I mean, Ichigo Kurosaki Rendan!" Meh, the shorter name was probably for the better- this body can't handle the speed it takes to perform the whole thing, plus it's already becoming harder to keep up the speed I was already going at.

So _another_ bastardized technique- joy.

"Sorry, Queen Bee, but it's high time this game I've enjoyed of ours, ends." I snapped my fingers and soon there was a singular line of me's(God, this is getting to be a bitch to write so much about _me-_ excluding, you know, the rest of the entire story.) waiting in front of the wide eyed Captain.

"Let's go." I ordered as everyone ran forward. "Ich-" A few me's went in to punch her, obscuring her vision enough so that a single me could slide along the ground and kick up, hitting her chin and making her airborn. "I-" Another me popped up under her and punched her in the gut, causing her to be sent even further up. "Go!" Two more clones came up from under her, but this time she was able to block the attacks before they hit her, but sadly, another came from in between the two and kicked her even higher. "Kurosaki Rendan!" Ten appeared above her position and reared their legs up in preparation to kick her all at once-

"What?!" Only for all of them(Including the actual me-) to be blasted away as her Reiatsu SKYROCKETED. "Oh come on; NOW you choose to go Bankai?!" I centered myself before I hit a tree and planed my feet against it, nearly causing it to crumple from the force as the rest of the speed technique dropped. "One would think that this is Bankai- but I'm afraid you'd be wrong." Soifon dropped to the ground as the surrounding area started to shake and the wind picked up. "But this is a technique that rivals- if not _exceeds_ , Bankai, and is the ultimate form of Hakuda and Kidō born from mixing the two together. It is also the reason my battle outfit is like it is- Reiatsu is forcefully pumped into both my arms and legs, along with y back, so any clothes on the arms and back would just be destroyed anyway." She stopped talking as she looked to the sky. "Heh, but I didn't expect to have to use it _here_ \- against someone like you. Hell, I'm still new to the technique myself, so it's not even complete yet; not even a name to go with along with it. But let me demonstrate it's power to you-" The collective Reiatsu started to gather in a form of wind, and wrapped around her right arm as she lifted it up and pointed at me.

"To be perfectly honest, I'm kind of hoping you don't get entirely annihilated by this, as I'll have nothing to gloat over to Yoruichi except with a dead body otherwise."

I'm not gonna even bother with the obvious 'This is gonna hurt' thing anymore.

"Grah!" She grunted and sent a funnel of super powered tornado power towards me that was literally ripping the ground apart as it came hurtling to me. "Wait a second, is she using-" I didn't have time to do anything other than lift up my sword to try and block the technique as my sword and the blast finally touched, causing a massive explosion to rock the entirety of the forest.

"Guess it really was too much for him to-" "Ah HA! I thought that little thingy of yours looked familiar!" The dust settled as I pointed my finger at her, my sword nowhere in sight and a massive crater in the clearing with me at the epicenter of it. "You were using Shunkō! Albeit, a less efficient version of the one I was taught, but still-" "... Say again?" She narrowed her eyes at me. "Are you trying to say that-" "You're using a technique that has already been created, and poorly at that too? Yes." I cracked my neck and started to walk out of the crater that was created from her attack to get closer to her.

"Allow me to demonstrate."

I snapped my fingers, and as I started to walk towards her, my skin began to shine brighter than before(Which, considering I was pale as shit, basically made it so that I looked like a fresh, new toilet seat that you could see your reflection in-) and, as I'm sure from what the Josie and the Pussy told me it looked like, my image probably blurred to her, making it look like some bad .jpg image gone horribly wrong on photobucket, and soon enough, I burst with power, completely tattering my sleeves and the back of my clothes, causing them to fall off and me to go shirtless.

"What- what _is_ that?!" She seemed shook as I continued to walk towards her. "This- is what your little technique should look like… Or, rather, what it could look like, as even Yoruichi's use of it isn't entirely perfect, as she only has a grasp of most of its power, so I obviously am no master of it, but I am certainly more proficient than you, so it should be looking better than it is now, I guarantee you that." She just shook with rage before giving a cry and rushing forward with much more speed than before and tried to sting me with Suzumebachi, but for probably the dozenth time today, it passed right through me. "Again?! Wait, no-" She narrowed her eyes before backflipping away from me, the area where she had hit before slowly reforming itself out of the shape of her hand

"That wasn't an afterimage like before- my attack _hit_ you, but instead of piercing you, it just looked like you, you- _flowed_ around my attack!" Hm. Smart girl- I could see why Yoruichi took an interest in her. "Indeed, instead of dodging, blocking, or countering you, my body just decided to stay put and literally reform itself around your attack, preventing you from harming me." "That can't be all- you can't obviously attack me either from your description, as your attack would just flow around me as well!" "Hehe, ha ha ha, ha ha- HA, HA HA! Oh, color me impressed! After only witnessing it firsthand _once_ , you already found the flaw in this form! Truly, the Pussy's interest in you has not gone to waste!" "Don't you dare call Yoruichi-Sama such a degrading name, you hellish beast!" She snarled as my grin grew ever wider.

Oh, this was just _so interesting_!

"Yes, it is true, this form cannot cause others harm, just as they cannot farm _me_ \- however, I'll tell you this; everyone who is capable of using this technique- Shunkō- has a different type of power in its form! As I'm sure you already know, Yoruichi is capable of it, and has taught me, so, little _BEE_ , your power is over wind, the Pussy wouldn't tell me hers until I fucking stuck a _COCK_ in her-" It actually wasn't what you would think, as it didn't so much as involve my dick, as it did a rooster, her, a closet, bed, feathers, glue, a plug, and lots of lube. "-But I'll tell you hers, just to fuck with her; hers is the power of lightning! And mine? Well- you'll just have to figure that out, now won't you- better make it quick though, I give you 2 minutes before you blow out!" I don't think my grin could have grown any more psychotic if I went out on a killing spree and murdered my entire clan in a singular night, just to see if I could-

Oh wait, wrong show.

Still- this was gonna be _FUN_!

"Let's go!" I appeared before her and, changing it up a bit, my once blurry image and shining quality soon grew to be an almost impossible amount of hyperrealism with my form seeming to grow somehow darker as it did, threw a punch, which she countered by throwing out her Shikai empowered wind fist, but to her amazement, it didn't cut into my skin, only putting another marking on my body, and just stopped as if blocked by a wall, and using her distraction, I shot my leg forward and kicked her stomach.

 _Five seconds!_

Following up, I shot a fist into her stomach, hitting where I had just kicked her, and as she gasped trying to get her breath, I transformed into intangibility incarnate, jumped up and landed my legs onto her shoulders, transformed again, then, grabbing her neck with my feet, twisted, which she then had to turn with, lest she break her neck because of it, and then I proceeded to slam her into the ground with the force of the twist.

 _Twenty-Five seconds!_

She recovered as quick as she could, and went in to punch my leg right where she had stabbed it before, so I just went intangible again so her fist went right through my leg as I walked back a step, went hyperrealistic and stomped on her back, causing her to grit her teeth and clench her hands.

 _Fifty seconds!_

"You don't look so good, Soi-Chan!" I taunted as she threw my foot off her back and front flipped into a kick aimed at my neck, but it just hit it and caused a gust of wind to blow that scattered dust everywhere. "What?!" She exclaimed as I took her leg and threw her into the air, and appeared before her, intangible again, before becoming tangible and grabbing her in a bear hug.

 _Seventy-Five seconds!_

"This will hurt you, _much_ more than it will hurt me." If it even hurt, I guess, I thought as we slowly started towards the ground, picking up speed until we were a blur that was about to hit the ground, where I became intangible again before Soifon crashed directly into the ground head first, and I hit too, becoming nothing more than a pile of particles.

 _Well. Never thought becoming a puddle on the ground could be so uncomfortable- I mean, ahem! Ninety seconds!_

"You know, you should be on your knees more- it suits you better." I told her as the particle pile that made me up quickly reformed into something vaguely resembling me and the Captain wobbily got to her hands and knees off the ground. "You- what _are_ you?!" She grit her teeth as I could see a stream of tears fall to the ground. "Aw, shit- way to make me feel like a douche." I became tangible and started to rub the back of my neck awkwardly- I was never good with crying girls.

Especially when the ones that had the power to rip me to shreds were the ones doing it.

 _One hundred-fifteen seconds!_

"But to answer your question-" I quickly shot out my fist, just as she sent her Shikai to sting my leg, _again_ , but this time, instead of just stopping it, it literally _broke_ the stinger off the gauntlet and I stopped my fist from utterly breaking her hand by just giving her a fist bump while leaning down to her level.

 _One hundred, twenty seconds._

"I'm Mu _fucking_ Setsumei Uxukie."

"Don't you mean Ichigo Kurosaki?" Ah. "Um, yeah- let's go with that." I stood back up and disabled Shunkō as the wind current that had been unconsciously surrounding her dissipated, and I picked her up in my arms and started back to the hill as my coat somehow fixed itself again.

Neat.

"What, no complaining? I thought you'd rather be slumped on the ground over me holding you?" "Honestly, I'm so tired at this point, I couldn't care less what you do with me." I grinned and opened my mouth-

"Keep in mind, I'm not _too_ tired to kick you in the dick should you make any inappropriate comments about the situation." I pouted at her as we passed the greenery. "You're no fun."

And so we descended into silence as I slowly made my way back to the place where it all had gone down(Truthfully, I was glad for the reprieve, as using Bankai for the first time, _and_ Shunkō kind of left me wiped out- at this point, I was sure the fat ass could kick my ass.).

"Your... Shunkō, was it? It gives you control over Reishi, doesn't it?" I looked down at her as she kept looking forward. "That's how you were able to control your body as quickly as you did; able to transform it into materials that allowed you to gain an advantage over the opponent in battle." That actually made me think.

"Truthfully, that might be it." She slowly looked at me. "What do you mean _might_?" "I'm- not entirely sure what my power is with Shunkō. What you just told me could very likely be it, as when I first started to use it, I had thought it gave me power over _Atoms_ \- the objects that make up everything in the hoomahn world- and I had thought it gave me enough control over them to actually alter my own _state_ , making it seem as if the speed of Shunkō is what made me look like I was vibrating, when in actuality, it was the fact I thought I controlled the atoms in my body enough to either close the gap in them, making them as condensed as possible, giving my body the ability to withstand numerous amounts of force or even just impacts with sharp objects, and making it seem like I have diamond skin, or I could make them as _loose_ as possible, and do the exact opposite- flow around objects so no harm could come to me. Hmph. Now that I think about it, it very possibly could be me manipulating the Reishi my entire body is made of currently,into doing those feats- or it could even be as I said before, the pure speed of Shunkō, and that I have yet to even witness what my power is as it stands." I closed my eyes and sighed. "It's too troublesome to think about, really."

She just kept staring at me for a few seconds. "You, are surprisingly intellectual. Not many would come to those conclusions, and yet you have barely had it for maybe three days, and you already have all those possibilities that it could be." "Meh, being smart really isn't my thing- I'm one of those lazy geniuses you read about, but I prefer just acting like a dumb ass, makes things that much more simple for me in the end." She just raised her eyebrows at me. "How?" I just looked down at her and shook my head. "Not everything is as simple to answer like two plus two- which is five by the way, don't let anyone else convince you otherwise." "And we are back." She groaned as I shifted her in my arms and got back on the cliff edge we had fallen off during our fight at some point.

"Yeah, yeah, full circle and all that." I grinned as I looked back down at her for the umpteenth time today. "But you know, even though you were pretty much outmatched the whole time, you put up a good fight, and I'm sure once you master Shunkō, you'll be even better- and if there is anything I love, it's a good _battle_ where I can fully let loose. So why don't you let me help you finish the ultimate Hakuda technique?" My grin grew bigger. "Come on- you know you want to." She just groaned and leaned further into my arms. "If it will get you off my back and let me enjoy some peace now that your bright side seems to have gone away, fine." "Oh, trust me, even if you say yes-" "And maybe if a certain _someone_ shuts up, I won't give away another of his techniques weaknesses to anyone!" She sneered as my grin grew even more.

"So you _did_ figure it out- oh, you are just too much! I knew I made the right choice to make you my new BFWLTFWY!" "... I don't know what that stands for, but it terrifies me anyway." "Smart girl." I smirked as we finally reached- the…

"What, in the-"

"Ah, so glad you could make it, Mu Setsumei Uxukie. How has life been treating you since the awakening my Hogyoku gave you?" A certain Captain asked me as he sipped from some tea and held held the almost corpse of Rukia Kuchiki as Gin Ichimaru and Kaname Tōsen stood behind him and the rest of the Gōtei Thirteen just gawked at him, and Ichigo's friends(Along with Fuckerai and his douchey Captain- though strangely, Yoruichi was missing.) just laid crumpled on the floor, bleeding, defeated, and also seeming to be almost dead.

"Ala, damn it-" I set Soifon down as I slowly made my way to him. "Well, it'd be stupid for me to assume you don't already know as much as I do about what happened when I got here, wouldn't it?" "Hm. You do know-" "Yeah, makes asses of you and me, I know, but, personally-" I grinned as I brandished my Bankai sword, though it now had a black liquid filling up half of the previous empty cavity in the middle.

"I love asses, and it just wouldn't do for you to be one, so I'm afraid this is where you'll have to die so I don't love an ass like you." He actually chuckled at my little jab.

Huh. First for everything I guess.

"I wholeheartedly agree-" Ah, fuck, I could see where this was going. "Which is why you'll agree that you must be destroyed for the same reason." I just sighed as I ran a hand through my longer hair. "Man, you just _had_ to hurt his friends, didn't you- I could have let this go otherwise, but _no_! You just had to go and break the one rule I settled on while I was here! 'Protect his friends' I said, and in the respect of the departed, I promised I'd do it, and you just HAD to almost kill all of them!" I pointed my sword at him. "That's just not kosher, brah."

"Yes, it just won't do- so why don't I free you from your suffering right now?" I grunted as he speared me with his sword in the stomach(No! Not the place where I put all that delicious food!) and tried to pry it out, but I quickly grabbed it with the arm not holding my sword, stopping him in his tracks as I lowered my head. "You attack my friends." I slowly lifted up my sword above my head, causing him to raise an eyebrow. "You caused me to lose arguably the only thing in any universe that actually _understood_ me." I started to gather what Reiatsu I had left into the blade, causing it to start to glow a deep black color. "And now you take away my ability to eat for who knows how long?!" I snarled as I raised my eyes to meet his. "Fucker needs to die die DIE! LET'S GO!" The black liquid that was inside the cavity drained and somehow, the Reiatsu in my attack went up by leaps and bounds, actually causing his eyes to widen and a bit of sweat to appear on his forehead. "SURVIVE THIS, BITCH! GETSUGA-" I swung my sword down.

" _ **TENSHŌ!**_ "

What had to be the biggest blast of energy I've ever unleashed came out of the sword, in a crescent moon shape(Oh, so that's the name of the damn thing-), pitch black with a dark purple outline that was much taller than some of the skyscrapers I've seen back in Kyoto.

Luckily, it seemed no one was in the direction the blast was heading(Except Dickzen and the merry crew, obviously.), but the giant broken halberd and the execution stand was another matter entirely.

Pretty soon though, the blast left off the cliff and continued into the sky behind it, slowly going forward away from civilization. And after it did, my Bankai(And even my Shikai after Bankai disappeared-) reverted back to it's previous form as I slumped over my sword, barely standing with the help of the blade.

"HOLY SHIT!"

That just about summed up what everyone was thinking- surprised the fat ass who came to see if his Captain was alright summed up what everyone was thinking though.

Didn't think he had the same brain process as everyone else-

Could have sworn it'd be something like 'Food food FOOD!'.

"W-Well, it seems as if I actually…" I couldn't finish before a flash of yellow caught my eye, and I looked upwards. "Oh come on- that's just cheating." I couldn't put in my usual whine like I normally would because I was so tired, but I had to try anyway.

Because using Negación is such a fucking CHEAT MOVE!

Of course, it seemed like he didn't escape unscathed, as his entire right arm was bleeding and looked like it was bent at the wrong angle, and his face seemed like it held a few burn marks- though you couldn't tell with his insufferable smirk still on it.

After that, I think he said something about war to Seireitei or some shit, I couldn't tell because I was slowly losing consciousness and about to fall over.

Luckily, it seemed Yoruichi had come back, as with my blackening vision, I could see those scrumptious tits that only a few could say they had. So I immediately just leaned forward and fell into the person's chest, trying with all my might to stay awake so I could motorboat them, but alas, I was 10 seconds away from passing out.

But in those 10 seconds, I realized a few things.

One- the person's chest was a bit _too_ big.

Second- I smelled cheap perfume(And I know Yoruichi doesn't use any as her natural scent is better than most market perfumes!).

Third- The person's belly jutted out more than it's chest- _definitely_ not a good sign.

Fourth- Under all that cheap perfume, I could smell the sweat that undeniably had to belong to a _man_.

And fifth, the most important one- This was the fat ass I was attempting to motorboat.

"Wrong… Breasts-"

And then I passed out.


	8. Raving makes me feel alive(undead)

**Yeah, yeah-; this has been a LOOOOONG time coming, and all that shit- but personally, I've got better things to do with my life than writing Fanfiction constantly, 24/7... Is what I'd like to say, but I have just been bored and couldn't be bothered to write.**

 **But like always- shut up, read, and listen to your Senpai**

"Bad enough I can't find those dynamic retards to get some answers out of them, but I also have to deal with the fact that my unconscious body is now in the hands of people that will no doubt be slicing away at my skin and probably doing some anal probing to figure out how I tick, with the only deterrent being a couple of rash, hormonal teenage boys that followed the lead of ANOTHER, even worse, hormonal teenage boy, who wanted to quote on quote, 'Save his friend' when in actuality, he just came to get some mother fucking POON from the closest thing he will get to a princess, a sarcastic kitty with student issues, and two girls who are BOTH after _MY ASS_ as well, with the fact I know they are going to stop anyone from touching my ass, because they want my ASS CHERRY for themselves! Because all they want to do is bend me over the bed we'll share for the night, and while they are putting on the pants that I should be wearing for the relationship, they'll get a strap on as well and just go to- WHEN DOES THIS FUCKING THING END?!" I yelled as after the umpteenth hour of being in the same, dark hallway from back in Chapter 4(Was in Chapter 4? It's gotten to the point where I just can't care enough to keep track.) before I lost my _freaking_ powers, but this time it seemed without a guide, it was taking a lot longer to reach where I needed to be(Wherever THAT was-), which was rather weird, considering I had a massive ass rock on my back last time- but hey, fuck you physics, this is my mind.

Never mind the fact I couldn't control anything that went on in here, it was still my psychotic mind!

"I swear to god, if this thing doesn't end, I am going to start singing my road trip sound track back to back-" As if a god(Which, being technical about it, I was one of.) had heard the atrocity about to happen, I noticed one of the side doors that wasn't any different from the thousands I had passed already, except for the fact this one had letters on it(Not like I was able to read them anyway, it was like they were jumbled up so I'd have to put them back in the right order, but the only thing I could make of it was 'Zangetsu'... Well, that or 'Suzegant', but neither made any sense to my Japlish reading skills- if only I could read Englishnese as well.).

"About damn time I found something interesting- this almost has me wanting to actually believe in a religion again with how fast that man above the clouds worked."

Almost.

Quickly going over to it, I moved to open it up. "Honey, I'm-" Locked. "... Home."

The door, the rickety ass looking door, inside my mind, the place where I should be able to reign supreme above all other places- was _locked_.

"Haha, okay, I know I take a lot of _shit_ from people, but to take this kind of crap from my own mind?" Purple Reiatsu started to form in my hands. "Now that's just about where I draw my nearly non-existent line."

"Wow that thing went down easier than I had expected, and- those are some massive ass skyscrapers." Entering through the doorway(That was now doorless; and will be staying so for as long as I was still _breathing_ -), I was rubbing my head(Who knew you could get a headache from destroying part of something inside your mind? I sure did, but that door was asking for it anyway.) as I looked upon all the massive buildings from the ground floor(Kind of difficult, though, considering there was also a fairly dense mist surrounding the entire place, but what can you do?). "Is this my new mindscape? Because I liked the old one better- that one had sand." Looking around didn't prove very fruitful to finding anything out of the ordinary, so instead I just leapt on top of the tallest of the buildings to see if I could find anyone there. "Hmmmm. Wonder if I can see my house from up here-" Squinting, I kneeled on the pole I was standing on. "So this is how Batman feels every time he does this… I should get a mask." Blinking, I stood back up and turned around to another, slightly smaller building right next to the one I was standing on. "Well hello, average, pasty, and so, so evil." A perfect carbon copy of what Ichigo looked like was staring(Well, more _glaring_ than anything, but you get the point.) right at me, only instead of being regularly colored, he looked kind of, _pastel_ , and really white.

Didn't know my mind had cloning technology- holy shit, I could reenact Star Wars!... But, before that-

"So, you come here often, or do you just like what you see?" Silence. "Oh who am I kidding- of _course_ you do, but anyway, what you up to, dude? Anything cool to do around here?" Even more silence. "Well, I see _someone_ isn't very good at small talk! Good thing I have practice talking to brick walls, anyway. So, what do you do for work… Well, _besides_ being the poster boy for the KKK-" " **Why are** _ **you**_ **here?"** Well, someone could run for Cobra Commander with that kind of venom in their voice! "Hell if I know- I was just on my way to find some rag-tag Spirit duo that took up base here inside my, admittedly, empty head, when I happened upon this place. And, if I were to take a guess, also happens to be your abode." I took the silence as me being right(Like _always_ … And no, I am NOT being pretentious!... Honest-). "And, seeing as I've never seen you before, I am also going to take a stab in the dark, and say you were the.. Well-" " **The what? The extra baggage that came with HIJACKING THAT BODY?! The leftover piece of the SOUL, you just about DESTROYED?! THE FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE THAT IS STILL SOMEHOW AROUND, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING ELSE WAS TAKEN?!"** "I was _going_ to say the Spirit that roams the empty halls of my mind, waiting for the day when it will finally find it's purpose in life that isn't being a mystery for the Scooby gang to happen upon and solve, but, hey- your words, not mine." " **G-GAAAAAAAAHHH!"** Apparently not being able to take anymore shit(Wow did he break fast- most people took at least 3 sentences to crack.), he sped off the pole of his and slammed his fist into my face.

Which might as well have been the equivalent of a fly slamming into a parked car.

Turning my head back to its original position, despite the fist connected to it, I gave him a look. "I'd say my grandma smacks me harder than you, but you know-" Casually grabbing the back of his head, I slammed it into my knee. "-The truth hurts, and I think I just put you in enough pain for the time being." Quickly getting over the shock and knee to the face, the pale imitation of Ichigo(Literally-) jumped back onto his pole, having that same scowl Ichigo always had on his face(Or did… Wow, no wonder this guy wants to hurt me- I'm a dick!). "So, you got anymore where that came from, poster boy, or are you just going to let my raging boner filled with nothing but manliness and adrenaline flop down faster than your chances of winning this fight after you aimed for my money maker?" Hearing the serendipitous sound of grit teeth only made my dick harder.

I get off on this kind of shit- at least I wasn't doing it like those brony trolls do for MLP.

Growling, pasty summoned what used to be Ichigo's Shikai sword into his hands(How he got the thing from the 'Old Man' I had no interest in finding out-) and charged back in. "Well, you got spunk, I'll give you that- but I do too, and it's just begging to cum(Ha! Puns!) out!" Summoning my sword as well(Which was at rest, unlike my other, _better_ sword.), we clashed as I dove down in the air to meet him. "I know you're probably in mourning and everything, but I don't think us touching tips will help you- or maybe it will, I don't know. But whatever works for you, buddy! I'm just here to-" " **Dear God, SHUT UP! And here I thought** _ **I**_ **was annoying-"** "If it helps, you are in _my_ book!" " _ **Joy**_ **."** Breaking apart, we both landed back on our buildings, except-

"Are you on that thing _sideways_?" The hell did he think he was, Spooderman?!

" **Yeah- comes with the territory, not that you'd understand, considering you just go around** _ **stealing**_ **them from people!"** "Oh for- are you _still_ on that? Look, you're inside my mind, aren't you? Can't you just go looking through my memories to see that I had absolutely no clue that something like this would happen-" " **I DON'T CARE IF YOU DIDN'T** _ **KNOW**_ **\- ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT IT DID, AND THERE IS NO GOING BACK NOW!"** Yeesh, living in the past too much, aren't we? " **YES! YES I AM!"** Right- keep forgetting that these things can read my mind… Considering we are literally inside it.

Ugh, now I have to snap one liners out immediately so the punch line wouldn't be ruined.

Dicks.

" **Don't mind if I do-** _ **cut off YOURS, at least**_ **!"** "Awwww, come on, don't be such a _dick_ -"

Nailed it.

" **About to nail your ass to my wall in a second-"** Appearing in the air in front of me, he took a swing at my chest, but I leaned backwards, causing it to swing over me, which opened up an opportunity for me to kick him in the face, sending him flying backwards, which I followed up with speeding after him and trying to drop kick him mid-air, but he righted himself at the last second, only to find my other leg straight in his sternum and sent flying again, this time into one of the buildings(Strangely, when he broke through the thing, I felt like I forgot my birthday- which was probably just the adrenaline pumping through my veins, and not my cortex being damaged in some way from destroying property inside my mind.). "Is that all? Tell me that isn't all you have, because I was hoping for a fight, here, not some pussy emo's temper tantrum because his mommy wouldn't let him wear her mascara." Floating outside the hole this wigger had made with his body, I squinted my eyes to try and find him. "Though lets be real here, with your complexion, mascara would be the worst thing to-" The white man interrupted me by breaking out of the window on the floor above me and took a slice at my head- which was easily caught in my hand before I threw him back into the hole he made in the building before.

"Seriously? Well I must say, seems you've finally found something you suck better at than mens penis's!" Lifting up my sword, I charged up for(What will probably become my signature attack sooner or later-) what seemed to be my swords only attack.

You know- other than just becoming a giant butchering knife I could swing around to cut people with.

"Now, would you kindly-" " **Tch, Getsuga-"** Letting loose my energy the same time the enemy did, both of our attacks met each other in a flurry of purple and black crescents- "DIE?!" " **TENSHO!"** The forthcoming release of energy was enough to send me flying back from the sheer pressure of it. And looking back, I couldn't actually believe that the attacks were in a _stalemate_!

I was wiping the floor with him before, and all of a sudden, he unleashes some DBZ shit to match my power?!

Come the fuck on!

"How the HELL is my attack not just swallowing yours up like a fat man does biscuits at Thanksgiving dinner?!" I yelled at the phantom as the attacks wavered before exploding and destroyed the building behind it(Oh god damn it, I forgot my one hundredth and twelfth birthday party- that was the one with the sexy ass strippers… I think!). " **HAHAHA! Can't believe I didn't think of that before!"** Out of the smoke the explosion made came a swirling frisbee!

Of death!

"Ah fuck me backwards with a side order of coleslaw." Quickly slashing upwards, I sent the butcher knife flying into the air, but as I did I noticed the cloth at the end of hilt that was leading all the way to the KKK pussy magnet that was now right in front of me- "This is gonna hurt." Bringing up my sword again, I was able to stop the downward stroke of his sword(Not _that_ kind of stroke, you sickos… Or at least I hope it wasn't that kind of stroke from him-) when he had it come down on top of me(This is sickening to have to write for such a manly man like myself.), but couldn't avoid the slash at my chest that came after he grabbed the thing and took a swipe at me quicker than I could get my sword back down.

Luckily, he was still as weak as I had thought he was, so the cut was only enough to slash through my clothes and cause a few sparks to bounce off my chest(Which some say was chiseled by god himself- ego much? Yes, because I like my waffles.), but before he could do more, I kicked him down to the ruins of the skyscraper that was there before but was now _not_ because of the attack clashes and got my wits about myself.

"You never really elaborated about that whole 'Didn't think about that before' thing- care to do so now before I get back to the ass kicking I was giving you?" Cracking my neck, I walked down to the level of the leveled(Ha! More puns!) building to talk to the Ich-fake, who was getting out of the rubble. " **Pfffft- why would I tell you? So you can figure out a counter to it? I think I'll keep that little thing secret for me to know, and you to figure out once you're in a ditch somewhere, halfway down the river!"** "Aw, don't be like that, Casper, you're supposed to be the _friendly_ ghost- not the dick who everyone avoids for fear of aids." " **HA! I'm about as friendly as a predatory crocodile!"** "Yes, and about as dangerous as a family sitcom father." " **Or as predatory as most of those sitcom fathers turn out to be!"** "Oh please, like who?" " **Well, there is Cosby-"** "Well, I mean, yeah, but all he preys after is unsuspecting women who have next to no defense against drugs… Them and yellow pudding pops- but that's beside the point!" " **No, the point is, you're too stupid to know why my attack was similarly powerful to yours when you clearly out power me- it's just my luck that you're even newer to Zanpakutō then even the King and don't realize all the differences knowing a few simple things can make!"** His chortling was pissing me off(Cause it made him sound even douchier than _me_ , and that was just unacceptable.), so I decided to knock him down a few notches.

"Yes, this might be my first Zanakutō, but it's not my first fucking _attack_ , dumb ass,and I do believe you just reminded me of the name of my soon to be favorite one." Lifting up the already charged up sword, the Ichigo look-a-like started sweating. " **SHIT! Bankai, Bankai, Bankai, Ban-"** "Getsuga- Tensho!" Swinging down, the much larger energy attack(What do you know- I was right.) shot down to meet the Reiatsu and debris that came flying after the release of power from the opposing side, managing to hold it off for maybe a second and a half before it engulfed the entirety of the surroundings. "Damn weasel, got away. Now if I were a homicidal, disembodied spirit inside another's mind, where would I- oh who am I kidding?" Turning quickly, I slashed at- nothing?

" **Too slow, Moe… Or whatever your name, is-"** Turning again, my sword found air as a gash appeared on my back, tearing through my clothes as it was formed. "My shirt! This thing cost me one whole soul, asshole!" " **It's not even** _ **your**_ **shirt!"** "I know, it's why it only cost me _one_ soul." " **GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"**

Troll level: Maximized.

"Alright, ass hat, let's _dance_!" Preparing myself this time, I knocked away a slash at my side and sent a punch that would have connected to his pale, ugly mug had he not ducked in time for it to only slice a few hairs off his white ass head. Not letting up, I kicked forward, but he used his sword to block it, but was sent flying back from it, allowing me to speed after him. But before I could swing my sword into his neck to decapitate him and get on with my _oh_ so stelar life, he recovered mid-air and swiped his sword at my midsection, making me have to catch his sword in my hands or face the punishment of _losing my only shirt_!

"Damn it, kid, I just want to get on with my life, so stop-" I threw him and his sword up in the air and attempted to uppercut him as he fell down, but he just backed his head some and caught my arm in a two leg grip. "-Dodging-" Using my other hand with the sword in it, I stabbed it forward in hopes it would get him between the crotch(Because at this point, he _deserves_ it-), but he just lifted me up and over his back, throwing me away before I could reach him. "-My-" Seeing him coming at me in an attempt to blind side me while I was flying upside down, I flipped upright and knocked his blade away with my arm and went for a haymaker soon after but he just backed away again to avoid it. " **Attacks?"** "I was going to say 'Punishment for you' to elongate the chapter some more, but you ruined that just now, so DIE." Lifting up my sword again, I started channeling Reiatsu again as Palchigo started cursing and doing the same. "Getsuga-" " **-Tensho!"** Throwing the attacks at the same time they collided in the air, struggling for dominance, with mine slowly pushing his back.

"Awww, we're already finishing each other's sentences!" Appearing behind him while he was still gathering and pushing Reiyroku into his attack, I grabbed the back of his head and forcibly threw him forward into our conjoined attacks, causing a massive explosion similar to that of a nuclear bomb, engulfing the entire city(Were there citizens in this mind city of mine? I sure hope not, as I don't think my brain capacity could take more abuse from this fight-).

Waving some dust from my eyes, I was rather(Unpleasantly-) surprised to see that the albino nuisance hadn't keeled over yet. Although his coat and bandages were just about destroyed, leaving him shirtless, and his body was bruised and bloodied(Especially around the face area- destroy the money maker? Check!), he was still breathing(Read: Panting.) and standing. "For the love of the Mexican named Jesoos- just die already! I'm slowly catching up with your Bankai driven speed, dealing out massive damage to you, and you can't even harm me _unreleased_! Even if you somehow pull out more DBZ shit from your ass, you won't stand a chance against me once I go full kick ass on yours!" The(What I am slowly beginning to think is mentally challenged-) albino Ichigo just panted some more, smirking. "You… Haven't even _begun_ … to see what I can DO!" Growling, the guy whiter than even Betty Crocker started to gather Reishi into his body, making it glow red as everything started to shake.

"Man, why can nobody just ever _die_ \- back in my day, when someone told you to die after they kicked your ass, you just asked where they wanted your body so they could do it themselves." I muttered to myself as the wind started picking up and swirled around my opponent(Who was still growling like a chimpanzee trying to throw poo at an innocent bystander at the zoo-)."Wait a second… Why does this spirit energy have such a familiar tint to it?" Narrowing my eyes, I tried to recall where I had felt this energy before, but didn't have much time before the guy with an ass paler than a baby's ass yelled and exploded in a fit of power, causing red Reiatsu to fly everywhere, throwing even me back a bit from the exertion.

"Now hold on just a bleedin' secon' 'ere-" I pointed into the smoke as I finally realized what it was that was so familiar about him. "How the hell are you-" " **A Hollow? Well, that's a very interesting story, actually."** He chuckled, his voice sounding deeper from before as the smoke finally cleared, giving me a clear view this time of his transformation.

"Wait, you're a Hollow?!" " **Yes… I thought you figured that out already, though, from the Reiatsu I was emitting-"** "What? Hell no! This is all news to me right now!" " **Then- what the hell were you about to ask 5 seconds ago?!"** "I was _going_ to ask if you were somehow related to someone I know, before you rudely interrupted me!" " _ **Why**_ **would you ask such a stupid question you already know the answer to?!"** "Because you _really_ look like someone I know… Like, _identical-twin_ in appearance, it's so uncanny- you sure you're not related to anyone named Zangetsu?" " **What kind of retarded question is that?** _ **My**_ **name is Zangetsu- no one else like me! And if there** _ **is**_ **, me and him are gonna have a little** _ **chat**_ **!"**

Hm.

To throw under the bus, or throw under the train.

Decisions, decisions…

"Meh, not like it matters- you're not getting out anytime soon anyway." I told him as I pointed my sword at him, causing him to sneer. " **Please! As if you had a say-so in the matter!"** "Well now that I know for a _fact_ you have Hollow powers." I slid into a ready stance as I'm sure my eyes glinted with mal-intent. "My say-so is you getting trapped here for however long I want so that I can use you for some much needed Hollow boosting." " **Well it sucks for you that your say-so is getting vetoed in favor of me getting revenge and freedom!"** He roared, causing windows to shatter across what little buildings were left. "Speaking of, do you know if these things have any representation as a part of my mind, because with these things destruction, I'm growing concerned about my already poor mental prowess-" I didn't get to finish before the walking tank of Hollow Reiatsu slammed into me, sending both of us on a collision course with whatever was behind me.

"Bad-ghost! Down! Heel!" I started to elbow him in his head(Which was currently headbutting my stomach-), but the skull seemed too thick for me to do more than crack it a bit with each hit, but those same cracks easily healed before I could make them bigger, and soon enough I was slammed into a building.

"Ooooooow- ah shit, I forget what the capital of Japan is now." " **CERO!"** "No, that's not-" Shaking my head of the cobwebs, I looked back up to see a giant red sphere explode outwards about 4 feet from my face, engulfing me and half the mostly destroyed building in it's Reishi, causing it to finally give in and collapse to the ground, dust and ash flying everywhere because of it.

" **Bwahaha! Can't take a bit of Hollow power to the face, EH?! You Shinigami are all** _ **pathetic**_ **\- can't believe the King gave up his own life just to continue being one and saving** _ **more**_ **of the pathetic things!"** "You made one grave mistake, buddy." " **Oh come** _ **on**_ **\- why do you have to be as annoying to kill as me?"** As soon as the dust cleared, his eyes widened at what he saw. " **What the-"** "I wasn't a Shinigami first, beyatch!" Quickly _eating_ the rest of the Hollow Reishi lingering in the air like it was my first meal in ages(Which, given everything that's happened so far, wasn't very much of a stretch-), my eyes glowed a faint red before I let lose his same attack _back at him_.

" **Snickerdoodles."**

Unlike his attack that tore right through the building(And subsequently, myself.), my attack exploded as soon as it hit the idiot head on(Applied directly to the bitches forehead!). Not giving him any recovery time, I grabbed onto his stupid white mane of hair and brought it forward before he could be sent flying back, headbutting him hard enough to chip off a piece of his skull. Not finished, I punched him in the gut, him kneeling over my fist before I pushed his head down into my knee, breaking off more of his skull, as I grabbed his horns in a full nelson, before falling back, rapidly dropping to the floor with the flailing Hollow, Spirit… thing, being a prime time passenger.

"All aboard the seismic PILE DRIVER!" Twisting mid-air, I took his knees in my hands as my legs pinned his arms above him, being one of the first things to hit the ground with a massive BOOM!

Getting up from where I had slammed the dick in the ground, I patted down my pants and shirt(Coat- thing?) as I made my way towards the center of the newly refurbished crater in the ground, picking up a certain skull after I did so.

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? For-" " **Wrong… Play, asshole… Ugh-"** "Yeah, it's also the worst one too; I just said it to piss you off." I told the skull as I dropped it(And with it, the body attached-) to the ground. " **Already at… Maximum, rage, capacity… Insert quarters for… Further collect calls."** "If by quarters you mean a stick, and by collect calls you mean your ass, then that is _plenty_ doable." I stepped down on the back of his head, shoving it further into the ground as he finally gave out a yell of rage. " **THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE- YOU ARE-"** Slapping away my leg from his head, he lifted his head up from the ground enough to turn and point his horns(And a Cero already charged up-) at me. " **DEA- Gah!"** I already got bored of what he was saying, so before he even slapped my leg away, I drew my sword, and as soon as a horn came into my view, I chopped off the tip.

" **N-No, wha- how?"** He seemed absolutely flabbergasted as his exo-skeleton fell apart, horns crumbling into dust as he fell to his hands and knees, changed back into his regular appearance, only shirtless and with tattered pants and slightly longer hair. "Holy crap, you two really _could_ be identical twins with that very same weakness!" I laughed as my leg snapped back and slammed forward, hitting his cheek as he was sent flying. "And also because the fact neither of you seem to actually _listen_ to me-" I appeared under where he was currently flying, running backwards as I kept up with his floating body. "Though at least you have an excuse- we just met, and you apparently hate my guts for some reason that is still unclear to me, but still!" I backflipped mid-run and started to run on my arms as my legs bucked the still shocked not-so-friendly-ghost higher into the air. "That's an excuse not to listen to me- the other Zangetsu has no such excuse, he just does whatever the hell he pleases." I snorted as I met up with him again at the high rise of his ascent, and grabbed him in a headlock, choking him as he started to hack and claw at my arm. "I know right?! Thinks he's all high and mighty to the point where he can just boss others around and ignore what they say- but nuts to him, am I right? Of course I'm right!" Using my still unoccupied arm, I snapped my fingers, causing all the debris, dust, ash, and Reishi in the air to coalesce together around us and the city perimeter, slowly forming back into the same buildings that were once there, and back in the same pristine condition as if the whole fight in the expanse hadn't happened. "Wish you could have seen him, I'm sure you two would have butted heads on just about everything, even if you had the same interests in mind- ah, I would pay to see that." I sighed as two massive twin towers that definitely weren't here before rose up on both sides of us, quickly growing to overshadow both of us, even though we were still easily 50 some feet up in the air. "But hey, maybe you will be able to meet him! Albeit, trapped here, in my mind, powers forcibly ripped out of you for my own gain so that none of my pals back home notice anything ary… Where was I going with this?" I muttered to myself as out of each of the stories windows of both towers, massive black chains of Reishi broke through and honed in on our position, soon latching onto the(Now blue faced-) pale Hollow as I let go so the chains could do their work. "I digress, though. It is thanks to you I found a solution to my little problem _far_ sooner than I had anticipated I would find it, and thus allowing me to enter back into my dimension so much faster as well! And for that, I am truly thankful." " **Mmmm, mph! Nnnnmnm, ghhrum?!"** I paused to look at the bound and gagged pale being in front of me.

"Not enough to let you go though, no." " **Dnm."** "Yep. Sucks for you. But probably still nowhere near as much as this will-" With that said, I shoved my fist in an opening in the chains, entering the now screaming Spirit's body. " **MMMMMMMMMM! MM, NM, NMNMN!"** "Oh boy, from the way he's screaming, I'm lead to believe I found the G-Spot! Now-" I dug my hand deeper, causing him to let out another muffled scream. "Let's see if I can make you _squeal_!"

"Oh, come one! Who do I have to kill around here to get an otherworldly type of demonic power that in the wrong hands, could spell disaster for the entirety of the afterlife- that question was rhetorical if you didn't realize, I already know the answer is _you_." I told the gagged half-Hollow-half-Sword hybrid after hours of digging around in his(It's?) body as I continued rooting around in it with both of my hands. "But I have to hand it to ya, you sure have _guts_ , going this long without breaking! I wouldn't be able to _stomach_ this kind of torture for long! Makes me feel all _hollow_ inside, HAHAHA- okay, seriously? You're _still_ not talking? Most people crack by the fifteenth time I repeat the same three puns over and over again." Pulling out my hands, I backed away a few steps. "Oh. He passed out… That would explain why he stopped groaning in misery a while ago." Wiping my hands off on my pants(Wonder how you get blood stains out of your black trousers- with _Bleach_ of course!... Okay, even _I_ want to punch myself for that last one.), I looked back up to the bound and gagged Spirit. "Okay, he's taken care of, but now I need to figure out how to take that power, and also find those ass hat voices in my head and figure out if _this_ was the only extent of the damage." Tilting my head to the side to look behind the bound idiot, I hummed as I withheld the new renovated city that was built during our tussle. "Ah, fuck it- if I somehow managed to recreate this danky thing, then I can summon those two morons." Snapping my fingers, I waited.

"... Maybe it would help if I actually _thought_ about bringing them here, and not just snap my fingers." Snapping my fingers _again_ (This time with the EXPRESS purpose of summoning the insufferable Spirits-), I waited some more; this time, it yielded results though. " _ **About TIME! I was wondering when you'd finally check up on- UUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!"**_ The(Without a doubt-) more annoying of the Spirits yelped as they both were summoned next to me, bound together at the waist with their hands and feet tied up as well.

Hundreds of feet in the air.

With the gravity on.

Ain't I a _stinker_?

"So, how's life for you two?" I asked as I followed their descent to the ground. " **Oh, you know, not bad, I was actually thinking about getting a face lift s-"** " _ **GOD DAMN IT, YOU MOTHER FUCKER, STOP US FROM FALLING ALREADY, OR SO HELP ME-"**_ "You want me to not only stop your fall, but also HELP you afterwards too, WITHOUT even giving me something in return? Wow, someone is just full on greedy!" " _ **Wha- THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT?!"**_ "You know- you scratch my back, I make sure you HAVE a back to scratch?" " _ **YOU LITTLE SHIT, STOP THIS NOW OR-"**_ " **Oh relax, kid. If you haven't noticed, we're kind of CORPOREAL BEINGS- he can't touch us or harm us with the environment, that's not how things work."** Telling me how things work in MY mind?

Someone is just LOOKING for the hurt!

"Yes, I suppose that would be true... " I said casually as I reached out lightly flicked a finger on the other male in this rag tag group's arm.

Only for him to howl and violently recoil from me as he frantically grabbed the spot where I touched him, looking like he just had it ripped from his body instead of just lightly flicked. "... If it weren't _MY_ mind we were held within; and this time, I don't have three misfits fucking with my head to make sure I can't control what goes on in it properly." " **Sweet Jesus biscuits, GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS!"** "Mexican pastries won't save you here! Only one person has what I want- what I _NEED_ , and she is currently refusing to give it while plummeting to her doom- no, that's not quite right; to her _maiming_ , yeah, that's better." Looking down, I whistled. "Eh, better hurry up with the decision here, darling, we only have about 100 yards left before you reach the end of your trail… Fall, whatever." " _ **Over, my, dead, BODY!"**_ "You know what?" Leaning forward in the air, I grabbed her head(Which she was refusing to turn in my direction before-) and held it directly in front of me. "I do believe that can be arranged."

Especially when the ground was only about 50 feet away now-

" **WAIT, HOLD UP! Show won't give you what you want, but, uh,** _ **I**_ **can give you what you want!"** Now _that_ caught my interest, as they both stopped falling, only multiple feet left until they both would have become corporeal pancakes. "Go on… Also, just because we're only maybe 7 feet from the ground, doesn't mean I can't make you feel like it was **7,000**." Seeing both of them gulp, I thought the threat got across well enough. " **W-What if I told you, I know EXACTLY what you were thinking right now, and that I could give it to you?"** "I'd ask how you knew I was thinking about funnel cake, and how you could give me it in my mind." " **... Anyway, I can give you what you want FROM THE** _ **THING**_ **UP THERE!"** He yelled before I could interrupt.

Jack wagon.

"So, you're saying, you know _how_ to get pretty boy's powers out… Hm?" " **Er, yes! That is** _ **exactly**_ **what I am saying!"** "Prove it." He froze(Well, more than he really _was_ at least.) at that. " **E-Eh?"** "You think I'm DAFT Esin? Prove you can give me what I want, or I'll be sure one of our oh so _joyful_ trips we'll take will be one to Davey Jones locker, thousands of feet below sea level!" " **P-Pr-Prove i-it? O-Of course! B-But, uh, you'll kind of have to… You know."** He shrugged at things tieing his body up as I rolled my eyes and snapped my fingers again, letting him loose(But making sure PMS incarnate was still tied up worse than a BDSM's fantasy wonderland-). "I'm warning you now, _Esin_ -" I hissed as I grabbed him and Shunpoed back up to where the pale freak was limply hanging. "-I haven't had anything to eat or drink for what seems like WEEKS, not a wink of sleep in the same span of time as well, and I've gotten my ass kicked from here to Albercercy and back more times than my pea brain can count, and I am NOT! In the mood for FAILURE!" With that last shout, I shoved him towards the bound being and told him to hurry.

He stumbled a bit in the air(Not sure what you can trip on in the _air_ , except maybe literal AIR-), before he readjusted and slowly walked the rest of the way to the unconscious body. He seemed to look over it for a couple seconds, before sighing and muttering what distinctly seemed like an apology, before plunging his own hand into the kid's chest cavity, causing him to regain awareness, and to also start howling as his Reiryoku started to pour _out_ of his body, forcefully taking residence inside a now grimacing Esin as he retracted his hand and the energy stopped going away from the poor Hollow… Thing- and he painstakingly walked over to me, palm full of the things black essence(Could I have worded that better? Yes, but dirty humor is the only kind of humor, so roll with it.) as he started to explain how this would work. " **Alright, holding onto this crap is starting to burn, so listen close, because I'll only be able to explain it once- this here, is Reishi, pulled from the Hollow like entity's Reiryoku. Because he appears to Hollow in nature, as you've seen, this Reishi is of the darker, Hollow variety; all YOU have to do, is absorb it into yourself, and, you will become, what I believe the technical term is, a 'Vizard'. This means you're main power will still be that of a Shinigami, HOWEVER, you will also be able to call upon a mask, which, for as long as it is applied, will give you some semblance of a Hollow's power. While you gain the Reiryoku of a Hollow, it will still be… Let's say,** _ **distilled**_ **version of your old Hollow powers- you won't be able to access your Resurreccion, you won't be able to use most, if not** _ **any**_ **, of your old techniques that weren't readily available to all Hollows, and you certainly won't have as much power as you used to have; you will, however, will still have access to the powers all Hollows instinctively have, such as the Cero, Garganta, and even things like Pesquisa. You will also, while holding or wearing the mask, have the distinct feel of a Hollow- if not heavily tainted by Shinigami Reiryoku and shit like that, but with your experience, I believe as long as you aren't in the direct vicinity of any true sensory type people for too long, you can easily come across as any other regular Hollow. Now, I will have to** _ **stab**_ **you- in the** _ **chest**_ **for this to work, and once I do, there will no doubt be some sort of Reiatsu outburst that will try and leave your body as the transfer of power happens, so I will have you awaken a few scant seconds** _ **before**_ **that can occur, so you can keep the outburst to a minimum, if not outright snuff it out like Daddy's confidence in his perfect 'Flower' being pure goes out once his daughter's eighteenth birthday rolls around and he finds out about her black boyfriend- got it?"**

"... Sssssssssssure-" " **Great, then here goes!"** With that, he plunged his hand into my chest, letting out all his essence into me as I gasped(I make it too easy to set up for myself like this-) and the world slowly faded out.

"I'm not ready to pop my cherry, Tim!" I sprung up from my laying position in a panic, only to find myself not at my old college frat(Thank god- Tim wouldn't take no for an answer!), but in a room in what I could only assume was the medical ward, laying on a bed with bandages all over my body.

And a sudden memory of what I was supposed to be doing in the few seconds I had just wasted on old memories(Ones I regrettably wished I _hadn't_ brought back to the surface-).

"Shit!" Right before the burst set off, however, I was able to withdraw all Reishi flowing out of my body and kept a tight hold on the leash as copious amounts of new Reiryoku _flooded_ my veins and attempted to all let loose more than a fat man getting rid of his girdle at a steakhouse to finish off his 72 ounce steak.

"Ugh, I feel worse than the fat kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory did after he nearly exploded from chocolate overload." I groaned as the room started to become cramped with the amount of Reiatsu that was flowing out of me.

Luckily I was still able to contain the mass majority of the energy output so none of it actually _left_ the room, but, well-

"Really hope nobody walks in on this." I grunted as I slowly made it out of the bed, standing stiff as I felt the need to hurl."Oh dear god, it _IS_ college all over again-" I covered my mouth as something tried to escape it, but the hand soon had to make way as the substance forcefully pushed it out of the way to escape.

"What the- oh god damn it, I thought I wouldn't ever have to do _this_ again." I complained as the white liquid concrete(Or whatever the hell these things are made out of-) started to spread across my face, with more of the damn stuff leaking out of the other orifices of my face. "I-regret-everything!" Soon the mask had formed across my face, with the extra details to make it 'Unique and Exotic'(Seriously, some of this Hollow biology shit could so absolutely _gay_ -) amongst every other Hollow mask to differentiate between the masks currently out there, which then solidified, and I couldn't stop the scream that escaped my throat as the last of the Reiryoku managed to get loose from my body, healing the rest of the wounds I had scattered across my body under the gauze and no doubt alerted the rest of the Seireitei to the foul energy that was coalescing in my room.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" I panicked as I looked around the room, trying to figure out what I could do to make it _not_ look like I was kind of freak against nature(Spirit nature…?), before finally just face palming myself for getting into this situation.

 _Hard_.

"Blech, shouldn't have kept my mouth open!" I brushed the rest of the fragments from the mask off my face(While also picking off the ones on my tongue- huh. Tastes like burnt chicken wings.) and grabbed my sword. "This is gonna bite me in the ass soon, but I can't just let them see I somehow healed from these things overnight…" I glanced out the window to see that it was obviously late in the afternoon, with the sun still shining bright over the horizon. "Or for however long it was that I was out." I corrected myself as I stabbed myself in the stomach. "Oh dear god, they're still sore!" I groaned as I withdrew the blade, and slashed down the length of my arm. "Thank god my body has an eidetic memory when it comes to all the wounds that were inflicted upon it." I punched my left eye. "Even though this is one of the only real uses for this kind of thing- still wish it wasn't around after all those rounds with Ms. Beryl, my 6th grade teacher… I still shudder thinking about those claw marks." I cut from my chest down to my hips diagonally. "Then again, it also helped me realize the one time I wasn't actually having sex with _her_ , but the P.E. teacher… Then again, with the way she was pounding against my hips enough to nearly shatter them, probably should have guessed something was up anyway." Last on the list, I lifted my left leg from the knee down over the bed, then proceeded to elbow it into the bed, not only breaking it, but also breaking the knee cap and no doubt shattering the ankle as it clattered against the floor, before throwing my sword across the room, sticking it in the wall

Just in time for the door to bust open and a few familiar faces to burst in as well.

"Geez, and here I was thinking the almighty SS was impenetrable from all kinds of attacks, when, surprise surprise, I get woken up by a beast with a hankering for strawberry jam, and decided to use my face as a substitute." I remarked dryly as I sat down on the floor, spitting onto the floor next to me(Was- Was that a _tooth_?). "Where did the Hollow go?" Soifon(In professional mode- though was she ever NOT in that mode?) asked me as Orihime, Sado, Ishida, and Kotetsu entered the room as well, the first two ending up running towards me to check the 'Wounds' I had garnered. "Somewhere in H-E-Double hockey sticks preferably, if not, hell if I know." I responded(Totally knowing the about the stupidity of spelling a word and then saying it again in the same sentence-), cricking my neck as Orihime started working her(Godly-) magical abilities to heal me back to full health. "Still nearly ate me, though, and I think I want to get the hell out of here as soon as possible so something like this doesn't happen again." I deadpanned as I stood back up, thanks to an offered hand from Sado, and made for the door.

Only to be stopped by the only(I say 'Only' ironically, considering I am now one of them-) Shinigami in the room.

"Yes, well, while that is fine and dandy, before you can leave the medical ward, you must be checked first by either Unohana-Taicho, or her Lieutenant first- and even _after_ that, you have to get a consultation from the Sou-Taicho before you can leave for the land of the living." The midget Captain cut me off as I pouted and crossed my arms.

I can never do _nothing_!


	9. Insert chapter title here

**HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!**

 **That's right! One year ago today, I made this very Fanfiction for the fine people of this site(And the not so fine people, I don't discriminate.) and the people of the World of Bleach RPG online; which, by the by, you should go and join so we can chat more about my stories there- but shameless advertising aside, it brings me great joy in knowing that my story has actually lasted as long as it has(Not gonna lie- was expecting to quit after the second or third chapter, but my stubborn ass just couldn't do that!), and it brings me even greater... Something, knowing that all of you have stuck around to read this crappily written story, even with the stupid jokes, horrid uploading times, and all around terrible plot line that I promised myself I would go back and fix up but still haven't done.**

 **So thanks for your patronage, and continue reading in the name of the SENPAI!**

"Anyone else feel like their on the way to the execution block? Because that's the vibe I'm getting from all this." I made small talk with the hoomahns of the Ryoka group as we made our way to the main meeting hall of the Captains. "Kurosaki, you have been talking non-stop for the past 10 minutes about absolute gibberish! And if you don't cease to do so, I swear to my ancestors, they won't find even a pinky finger!" "Wow, rude much? Are all Quincies like this, cause if they are- oh wait, that's right, they're all dead so it doesn't matter what they were like." " _KUROSAKI_!" "Enough, you two!" Stepping between the two of us, Orihime attempted to glare at us, but all that came from it was an unhappy frown. "We are about to meet with the leaders of this place, and I would rather you both not get into a fight before we even get there!" "Ah, come on, Hime-Chan, a little blood shed never hurt anyone… _That and the fact I'm sure we'd get on the good side of a Captain or two if we were to do so_ -" This time, she did actually glare at me, causing me to gulp. "O-Or we can just, chat like old friends, that works too!"

It wasn't so much the whipping sound itself that caused me annoyance, but the fact it had come from the direction in which Sado was walking.

Traitorous little-

"Okay, we're here." The voice of the midget Captain broke me from my thoughts(They were the only things I had anymore…) as the door to the meeting room opened up. Walking in, we were met with all the Captains(Or what was left of them, anyway-), minus the small one with us, that made up the Gotei 13(More like 'Gotei 10' now, but I digress.). "Wow- who's the old man at the head of this line?" I whispered to the bee, which made her glare up at me. "That 'old man' is the Sou-Taicho, and currently the strongest Shinigami- and probably the strongest being- in existence." _That_ dude was the strongest Shinigami in this world?!

Standards: Shinigami have none.

"Thank you, Soifon-Taicho. Please take your position for the meeting, now." Stiffly nodding, the tiny Captain moved to her spot as the old man's attention moved to us(Read: Me.). "Thank you for coming, Ichigo Kurosaki, and for bringing your acquaintances with you as well." "Oh yeah, of course… I mean, it's not like we were forced to come or anything like that." I spoke sarcastically as I reached into my pocket and took out a smoke I had pilfered off some inattentive unranked officer and put it into my mouth, then looked to the various Captains scattered across the room. "Any of you got a light? I would _kill_ for one right now… Oh! But, uh, not any of you, of course, just a figure of speech."

 _Here_ at least.

I got my wish, though, soon after, when an intense burst of Reiryoku pressed down on everyone, causing the Captains to intake their breaths, stiffen, or to start sweating as my group all gasped and nearly fell to their knees had I not started sending out my own to counteract it. But because I was busy doing that, I wasn't paying much attention, and when the pressure vanished and I could go back to finding something to light my cigarette, I found the stick curiously already lit on fire.

And by 'Lit on fire' I literally meant the entire stick had gone up in flames and was burning my lips and tongue.

"... Meh, I've done worse." Shrugging off the burning sensation on my lips, I took a puff, and grabbed the stick that was still on fire and blew out the smoke. "Ahhhhhh. Sweet, sweet, release." I didn't get far in my endeavor, though, because when I put it back in my mouth, the pressure was back and the entire stick just crumbled to ashes in my mouth and fell to the floor. "... My smoke-" "I'd have to ask you to not do such activities while we are holding a meeting, Ichigo Kurosaki." "Could have just told instead of wasting my last cig." I grumbled as at least half the Captains looked on in astonishment that I wasn't affected at all from the pressure the Sou-Taicho was giving out just form _standing_ there.

The other half consisted of a grinning and insane Kenpachi, an eerily smiling Kurotsuchi, and the next oldest beings right after the old man in the room.

"Anywho, what's the meeting for, old man? I got places to be, bitches to-" A glare from Orihime and surprisingly Soifon stopped that sentence short. "-To, ah, make acquaintances with… Yeah." The old man seemed rather disgruntled(Or pissed- hard to tell when the man had his eyes closed and a beard covering his mouth for the most part.) at my lack of respect, but moved on anyway. "You are standing here before the Gotei 13-" "*COUGH* 10 *COUGH* COUGH*" Seeing the unamused glance thrown my way, I shut up. "Because we would like to ask you a few questions." "Wait, that's it- questions? Couldn't you just get, I don't know, clown face over there to torture us until we give you the absolute truth about what you want to know?" Said clown frowned and gave a withering glare in my direction. "Trust me, you blubbering primate. There is nothing I would love more than to do that-" "Except maybe going to the nearest Marilyn Manson impersonation contest…" "You insufferable little-"

"Enough!" A cane hit the floor, and all chatter came to an end as the annoyed leader of the group huffed. "While it would have been much better to do just that, there were a few who disagreed, and, with the deaths of the entire Central 46, we are in Martial Law, so majority goes. And, surprisingly, there were only three who wanted to go that route… And a Kenpachi laughing and yelling about rematches." Oh, that spelled nothing but absolute hell for me. "But back onto why I have brought you here; there are several questions that I want you to answer for me." "Okay. A-hem; yes, the sky is actually blue, two plus two really _is_ five, the US's moon landing was staged, there is extraterrestrial life- and not like the ones from that stupid E.T. movie, either." "Um, Kurosaki-Kun, I don't think that answers any of the questions he wants answered." "Indeed, they do not." The Captain did not look amused(Then again, when did he?) as he glared at me and attempted to scare me with his Reiryoku.

Yeah, like _that_ would be happening any time soon.

"Well sor- _ry_ , it's a force of habit at this point; what were the real questions?" "The first of a few of them was why you children decided to just brashly invade the Seireitei the way you did." _Oooh_ did it hurt to be called a child again- I lost that moniker centuries ago, and I'll be damned if some god damn old codger was gonna give it to me again after all this time! "First off, it's Ichigo Kurosaki, _old man_ , and secondly, I thought I made why we entered this place abundantly clear when I rescued Rukia from that giant flaming homosexual chicken… I swear, that thing was checking out my ass the entire time-" "Kurosaki, focus! Was that the _only_ reason you infiltrated our walls? For something as petty as saving a friend-" "Saving a friend from death? Yeah, it was, because unlike you unfeeling machines called 'Shinigami', we care about what happens to those closest to us." "Need I remind you, you imbecile, that you are one of those 'Unfeeling Machines' you apparently so despise." The 12th Captain drawled as I scoffed and crossed my arms. "Please, I'm nothing like you ass hats; that, and I think by your standards, I'm more like a half Shinigami… Or probably even less than that if you actually knew what I was." I whispered that last part to myself and got back on topic. "Anyway, yes, that was the only reason, now next question." "Very well. While I admit it was only thanks to your endeavors that we found out about the plot and betrayal of Sosuke Aizen and two other Captains, we are not yet entirely sure what side your loyalties lie- have you had any contact with Aizen outside of your little performance the other day, or was that the first time you had actually even met the man?" "I can say with certainty, that this is the first time I have seen him in this lifetime, and don't have any deals going on with him as of now."

Of course, they wouldn't know that I _had_ met him in another 'Life' you could say, or that up until the betrayal incident where he tried to kill me I was actually technically working for him, but come on- semantics.

Seeing as he couldn't tell a lie coming from me, he nodded. "Good. Now, for the third question, we would like to know exactly _where_ you had learned how to fight with your powers like that- Bankai takes decades to attain for even the strongest of Shinigami, and yet from what Soifon-Taicho tells me, you had apparently gained it in less than 3 days. How was this possible?" Besides the fact I'm a centuries old Hollow with years of practice in fighting and controlling powers that were beyond the comprehension of most others in existence in a hoomahn's Spiritual body that already had a shit ton of potential and a substantial amount of Reiatsu that, in a year or two, would be able to perhaps rival mine in it's Bankai state?

No clue.

"Yes, well, let's just say, that for the fighting portion of my abilities, I had help from a _pussy_ , of all things-" I could feel the glares of the various Captain and Lieutenant women around me, and already knew the stupid cat somehow knew I called her that, and would be getting retribution for it later on. "-And for the Bankai part, well, do you know of Kisuke Urahara?" "Impossible!" Looking over to the now stock straight and growling head of the research department, I couldn't help but feel a small amount of pleasure(Read: Enough to get my dick hard.) in seeing the Captain who I currently hated the most in such a state.

And I knew _Aizen_ for craps sake-

"What's impossible; the fact that I know and learned from the best scientist to ever grace this world's presence-" After _me_ of course. "Or the fact that he helped me attain Bankai in 72 hours where it probably took you decades to reach?" Ah, it never failed to warm my heart, seeing someone blistering in rage, nearly foaming at the mouth as you could practically see the steam roll out their ears(Well, nose, in this case, cause I'm not even sure he has a _heart_ , let alone ears-). "I'll take that as a resounding 'Yes'." "Alright, this has gone on long enough. Yes, we have heard of Kisuke Urahara; he was the former leader, and subsequent founder of the research department of Seireitei, and Captain of squad 12 before his traitorous actions against our people with the Hollowfication process and attempted murder of several Captains." Man, he never told Ichigo any specifics, but holy _crap_ was that dark! And did he say 'Hollowfication'? The hell was THAT? "But what does this have to do with you learning Bankai in such a short time?" "Right, well, it turns out, Kisuke has made a device that helps accelerate the process in which Shinigami can attain their Bankai's, and I used that to help get Bankai before the execution." "IMPOSSIBLE! THAT FOOL C _OULDN'T_ HAVE CREATED SOMETHING LIKE THAT!" As the current research department's leader seethed, the Sou-Taicho looked intrigued.

"But I should _also_ point out, that the creation of the Tenshintai is not easy, only the strongest of beings who have already mastered their Shikai could use it, and that the survival rate is not exactly great… Something about less than one percent or whatever." That wiped the look off the Captain's face. "Less than one percent? Huh. Rather low odds to be surviving their, kiddo." Again with the _kid_ thing! "Yeah, they were." Well, not like I know of this first hand- I was just told by the cat that the chance of survival was EXTREMELY low. "If the nitwit made it so that the survival rate was unbearably low, how did a bumbling buffoon like you make it out alive?" "Well, like your mother, I enjoy doing something hard." "WHY YOU-" "But, I can't give all the credit to that mad fiend. If I wasn't as talented as I was- teacher's words, not my own; well, okay, they are my own too, but still- then I would probably be bleeding out somewhere underground while you all would be none the wiser about Aizen's whole plot." "A bit arrogant there, aren't you boy?" I swear to god, if someone makes _one_ more crack at my _age_ -

"There is a fine line between arrogant and confident, old man; I personally do not know where that line is- probably somewhere near New Mexico with the stupid aliens- but I trust the people who have seen my abilities first hand know that line well enough when they say I am one talented, good looking beast." Man, I could really use a smoke right now- if only _someone_ hadn't destroyed my only one! "Yes, which brings us to our next question; just how is it that you were able to defeat one of our Captains. _You_ , a human who had gained his powers not three months ago, beating one of my Captains, someone who has been at this more than ten times as long as you, one of my _Elite_ soldiers?" Maybe because I've been at this probably ten times longer than _them_? "Uh, sheer and utter dumb luck?" By the look on his face, he seemed to be thinking this one over as if it actually _could_ have been just extremely dumb luck.

I didn't know whether to be relieved or insulted at this point.

I'll go with relieved as that was the one that would get me to my smokes faster.

"That, and the Captain I was fighting didn't exactly _use_ her Bankai, while I did- not really a fair match up, there." Seeing the stern gaze the Sou-Taicho was giving a facepalming Soifon, she had apparently neglected to give up that fact to the old Shinigami in the first report.

Serves her right; Mu-not-so-Junior is still feeling the pain after our fight!

"I see. That is a far more believable reason than the last one for your victory over a Captain… A Captain who I will be talking to _directly_ after this meeting is over." Few- saved by the bee. Was that saying politically correct? Probably as correct as I am in using the term 'politically correct' to ask a stupid question about this stupid phrase. "Now that the question of your victory is satisfactorily answered, we shall move on to our next question at hand; did you, _yourself_ , attack any of our race unprovoked, without any warning or without giving anyone the option of leaving instead of fighting them?" "Oh please- I landed near the 11th Squad Barracks. If anyone was attacked unprovoked, it was _ME_! Especially by that god damn grinning lunatic who wouldn't take no for an answer, or stay down whenever I knocked him down!" Hysterically pointing to a laughing Kenpachi, the Sou-Taicho winced a bit. "Yes, I do suppose you have a point there…" "BWAHAHAHA! Speaking of _points_ , There is still a rematch to be had! So what do ya say?" "Ah _hell_ nah, I ain't getting anywhere near you or your crotchety ass sword!" "Oh really? Well it's a shame that Martial Law is declared, which means I can bring up a motion to _make_ you fight me! All for this motion to be carried out?" "Now wait just a damn cotton picking moment-" "Watching the buffoon get beaten up by the _bigger_ buffoon? Oh, now I would pay to see that!" "Shut the fuck up, clown face, you're not making this any easier for me!" "I also agree with this motion." " _Soi-Chan_? WHY?!" "I don't exactly like the facts you revealed minutes prior to this." "Oh you petty little-"

"ENOUGH!"

Man, the room never fails to calm down whenever that old guy bangs his cane onto the ground.

Maybe I should get my own cane- of course, it wouldn't be bland and boring like this old guys, maybe I'll put on a few adornments, like a diamond, purple paint, metal end to hit people with; or maybe just cut out the middleman and buy a pimp cane straight from the store instead.

"We are getting off track here!" "Oh relax, old man. You've already asked most, if not all of the questions you had for Kurosaki, so now that business is over with, I want my rematch!" "A-HEM!" Looking over to see that it was KISS impersonator who had tried to gain everyone's attention, he continued. "We are _not_ done with business here today, as you so _eloquently_ put it, there is a matter at hand that I would like to know the answer to!" Getting confused at what he wanted, I heard the Sou-Taicho sigh and could almost _feel_ him rubbing his forehead. "Yes, yes. Which leads onto our _next_ , and final question of the day; everyone here would like to know what you have done with the Lieutenant of Squad 12, and the daughter of Mayuri-Taicho." "Now old man, it's not polite to lie to people- just by looking at the faces of half the Captains gathered here, _they_ certainly do not care what has happened to her. And god forbid if the look _Kenpachi_ is giving me right now is actually _concern_ over the wellbeing of a young girl-" "Damn straight!" The grin on that man's face couldn't be made any wider even if the Joker came in and started spraying his laughing gas everywhere.

"SILENCE, YOU IGNORANT SWINE! I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THAT TRAITOROUS DAUGHTER OF MINE WENT!" _Speaking_ of the Joker, though- "Yeeeeeeah, you see, that's gonna be kind of hard to do." "And just _what_ could your impossibly small mind mean by THAT?" "This." Snapping my fingers, the door to the meeting room slammed open as a black blur sped across my room until it was standing directly next to me. "What do you wish of me to do, Tou-Sama?" Everyone's jaw started gaping(Even the hoomahns- except Orihime, who's eyebrow was twitching for some reason.) as the blur revealed itself to be the missing Lieutenant of Squad 12. "Is that… Nemu?" "What on _Earth_ did you do to my creation, you inbred waste of time and space?! And WHY is she wearing an outfit more suited for a servant in the country of Europe in the human world-" "The maid outfit? Yeah, not entirely sure about that one, because last time I checked, she still had her old clothes…" "Once your recalibrations set in, Tou-Sama, I deemed it fit to have access to a new wardrobe, and this seemed to be most fitting for my role now." "That… Is a bit odd of a choice, if nothing else-" " _Recalibrations_? What did your greasy monkey paws do to my bitch of a daughter?!" "Me? Nothing big, really- except change just about everything about her so that she would view me as her father, instead of you, and have ingrained loyalty towards me, and only me, also instead of you- because, all of the offense, you are a majorly crap father and leader." I loved seeing the look in people's eyes after I rip something away from them-

Never fails to get me aroused.

"And before you go off on a tangent, _no_ , I will not give her back to you, and _yes_ , I CAN take her away from you, because, as this stupid thing says-" Taking out a book and throwing it to the Sou-Taicho's feet, I saw him look down and raise an eyebrow as he saw it read 'Shinigami Politics: For Dummies'. "And I quote, 'Once a Shinigami loses in a duel to another Shinigami, the winning Shinigami then gets claim to something of value the losing Shinigami has; provided that something of value is considered an object, or property, not a spiritual being.', so you can't do jack about this, as I have already kicked your ass from here to Squad 13 already." "As much as I hate to admit you know the rules, there are still a few issues regarding this plan-" "Ah, but there really aren't, Sou-Taicho. For you see, this duel had already took place _before_ Martial Law was put into place, so technically, I claimed my prize back when the laws still stood perfectly fine, which means I have immunity from a trial with the Gotei 13." The other Captains seemed impressed(Well, Kenpachi was just picking his ear looking bored, really.) that I had the foresight to plan this far ahead in my plan, while the 12th Captain really _was_ throthing from the mouth, this time. "You _twat_! You still can't take Nemu, because she is considered a spiritual being!" "He makes a fair point, Ichigo Kurosaki." "He _would_ make a fair point, if he didn't, well, take a look." Pulling out some sheets of paper from my pocket, I handed them to the Sou-Taicho so that he could look them over, and when he did, he sighed and started to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Well, according to these sheets, Ichigo Kurosaki now has possession over Nemu Kurotsuchi- or Nemu Kurosaki, as it were now." "WHAT?!" Wow, that was the most emoted amount of rage I have seen coming from the clowns face. " _How_ does he now own Nemu, when the rules clearly state-" "That any spiritual being can't be chosen as a prize for victory of a duel, yes. However, Nemu, according to _your_ census readings, is not a member of the Shinigami race, or even a _living organism_ , and more of an invention created by you for the sole reasons of research and keeping track of information; which is, for all intents and purposes, is basically calling Nemu a machine, an invention, a _possession_ which I now own because of your carelessness. Isn't that right Nemu-Chan?" "Hai, Tou-Sama." "Thata girl; now, what do we say to the douchey man who raised you worse than most stripper daddies do to their girls?" "Ah, I believe I was told to say 'Fuck you, you overcompensating waste of a scientist, whose brains and smarts couldn't even begin to comprehend the things my new father or Kisuke Urahara have already built in the last few years that it took you over a century to do to an even lesser design." "Glorious, glorious."

By now I already had the camcorder out and was recording the reaction of the Captain as his 'Precious daughter' told him off in the best way possible(For me-).

From the look of outright rage and loathing already forming on his face and the stifled laughter from some of the Captains in the room, I think I was going to enjoy being a father. And not only for this, but I'd finally be able to grab my shotgun and scare frightened boys away from my house when they come to get my daughter's hand!

… Though from the way of dress she was currently parading around in, I think I might have to get a rocket launcher-

"Well, if that really _is_ all, this time, Sou-Taicho, I think we'll take our leave." Seeing him nod slowly, I motioned for everyone to quickly get out of the premises before the clown college Captain finally lost it. "Phew, that was the most fun I've had since coming to this damn place!" Walking back through the halls of the 1st Squad's Barracks, along with my posse, I looked around the area. "Man, fucking with Captains _really_ made me work up a sweat!" Attempting to wipe off some invisible sweat from my forehead, I didn't get far before Nemu appeared right next to me with a white towel(What the- when did she get _that_?!) and started dabbing at it for me. "Ah… Thank you, Nemu-Chan." "At anytime, Tou-Sama." Right- might have to get her to tone it down a notch. "Okay, we'll be heading off soon, probably next chapter-" Next, chapter…?" "No, I said tomorrow- get your shit together, Squishy." "QUINCY!" "Yeah, that too. Anyway, we'll be leaving tomorrow, so get everything you want to get done done _today_. Not sure what you'd want to do; Sado, maybe you could go visit that bird boy again, Hime-Chan, you could possibly go to the 4th Squad Barracks and ask them for tips to help with your healing powers, Quincy… I heard there's a gay bar not far from here, maybe you'll even see that cute Byakuya-Taicho, or perhaps that dazzling Trans-Taicho to boot!" "KUROSAKI!" "Hahaha, okay, leaving now." Running away laughing with Nemu not far behind, I made for the outskirts of the Rukongai Districts.

"Okay, Nemu-Chan, are you sure this area is devoid of any tracking, recording, or presence detecting technology or Kido?" I finished my run in an empty clearing with mostly dead and rotting trees, with Nemu landing on the ground near me soon after. "Hai, Tou-Sama. Kurotsuchi-Taicho deemed it unneeded to plant any bugs around this vicinity, what with everything either being boring or just plain dead." "Tch, dumbass. He has a long way before he can hope to become a decent mad scientist. Okay, Nemu-Chan, you remember when I told you that-" "You were not so much a Shinigami as you were a Shinigami with Hollow powers; a 'Vizard', as it were?" "Huh. No one usually listens when I start rambling- good job. Anyway, yes, that part. Now, what I wasn't _really_ being honest with, was the fact, I was actually a Hollow with SHINIGAMI powers, instead." "... I see. Does that mean-" "No, no. As it stands now, I am more Shinigami than anything, and I made doubly sure that it was only the Shinigami blood that you were exposed to. Now, that _said_ , my blood is still highly toxic, and if it wasn't for that retarded scientists blood in you before it began, you would probably be dead- or become permanently inactive, as it were, as it is still extremely volatile to any living organism that comes into contact with it. But I'm getting off track here!" Shaking my head, I reached into my… Whatever it was that Shinigami call their shirts, and pulled out the Hollow mask from before.

"Now _this_ , is the current manifestation of my Hollow powers in this form. With it, I can do many things that regular Hollows can- shoot Cero's, get the use of Hierro, perform techniques such as Pesquisa and Sonido, the possibilities are endless… Okay, almost endless, sue me. But one technique in particular, is the reason I needed to get my Hollow powers back in the first place- also, I lost my Hollow powers for a wee bit, if you didn't already know… Which you didn't." Putting the mask on for the first time since the transformation, I could literally _feel_ the Reiatsu and Reiryoku flowing through me and around me again, just like back when I had Hollow powers as well. "Ah, how I missed this feeling; Hollow powers, never leave me again." I would have been tempted to kiss the mask giving said powers, but I didn't feel like dealing with the migraine that would soon follow afterwards right now. "Anywho, I kind of, sort of, _also_ forgot to mention the fact that I'm not exactly from _this_ world, and actually come from a universe parallel to this one in just about every aspect."

Man, it's a miracle this girl was about as emotional as a brick wall, otherwise, I'd be getting a lot more punches to the crotch by now-

"And, to top it off, I had no way of getting back to my world without the use of the same way I got here; but I don't know exactly where the doorway is to our world from yours, and I have doubts the Sou-Taicho would grant me the leniency of going Barracks to Barracks looking for a portal to another universe without some _serious_ proof backing me up, and I, basically, have nothing right now, so I was fucked up until I regained some of my old powers." "... I see. Does this mean that 'Ichigo Kurosaki' was nothing but a ruse to storm into the Seireitei and find your way back home, then?" "Sadly, I wish that were true. But, it would appear that fate is not so kind, and instead of me being here from birth, I was brought here… In the middle of this group's invasion into the SS. And to make matters worse, it would appear that 'Ichigo Kurosaki' was completely immersed into MY being, meaning I got all his memories, body, and I also believe his power had a hand in forming my own powers this universe has seen, but I can't be quite certain at present times. However, the one known as Ichigo Kurosaki, has ceased to exist until I can either figure out how to reverse this process, or possibly if I die, he could come back to his original body; but I'd rather not test that theory until absolutely necessary, so I'll be postponing that experiment until MUCH later. But, I digress. I have been getting off topic for a while now, and need to get back on track." Bringing up a hand, I quickly sliced it through the air, as if opening a zipper sideways, and instead of nothing like I mostly expected to happen, I was happily surprised to see the familiar black void open up in midair(Too happy to figure out the racist indications in that sentence!).

"Yes! It actually worked! I can get back to my homeworld again!" "Tou-Sama… Does this mean you no longer need my assistance?" Looking back, I could see the normally shy girl seeming even more drawn back in on herself and reserved than I had seen her in all my time knowing her(All 5 and a half days.). "Ah, come on, Nemu-Chan! You're my daughter- both in spirit _and_ in blood now. Like hell if I am just going to throw you away or punish you for running out of usefulness like your last deadbeat father would have done." Rolling my eyes behind the mask at the thought of the guy that deserved the 'Worst father of the year' award, I motioned towards the portal. "Come on; I could use a… Well, I don't want to say servant, but that's basically what you're going to be used for, so-" Before I could even finish the sentence, the young girl had already stepped into the Garganta to get to the other end.

"... I made sure to tell her to apply Reiatsu under her feet to form a path she could physically walk on, right?"

…

"God damn it, Nemu!"

"Remind me not to get you excited ever again." I deadpanned as I carried the sheepish(Not that you could tell with her damn robot like face- wonder if she and that mime from years ago were related…) woman like a sack of potatoes out onto a building into Kyoto City- _my_ Kyoto City.

"Damn, is this place a dump- just like I remember it!" Grinning at the pollution and the relatively musty air in the city, I couldn't help but feel a lot better about the things that had been going wrong with everything lately- me losing my powers, some rogue Espada going on a rampage in the Seireitei( _OUR_ Seireitei.), me getting lost in a different dimension; screw it all, because I solved one of those problems! Because remember, kids; 1 out of three ain't too shabby. Man, I was just so pumped, I felt like nothing could ruin this moment!

"Oi, dickface!" Okay, I will admit I had that one coming to me. "Should really learn never to tempt fate like I always do." Muttering to myself, I placed the confused Nemu(Seriously, I was gonna get a paternity test for this girl and that freakin' mime.) down onto the building, and turned to see who had said that. "... Nemu, I'm not insane and heard the wind say that, did I?" "Ah, Tou-Sama, a little lower." Now it was my turn to be confused, but I did so, and actually jumped a little at seeing someone. "Jesus, kid, you scared the crap out of me!" "Does Tou-Sama need a fresh change of linens?" "...It's a saying, Nemu." Need to remember to get her a book on those kinds of things whenever I got the chance-

"I am _NOT_ a kid, damn it! And stop ignoring me when I am talking to you, peasant!"

 _Peasant_?! I was fucking Hollow royalty, damn it!... Or I was- this universe transfer thing was really getting me confused on all fronts, here. "Yeah, yeah, kid, whatever you say; who's your supervisor, by the way, so I can get you back to them and firmly slapthe shitout of you in front of them?" " _Supervisor_ , ME?! Asshat, do you not know who I am?!" Looking over him again, size of a 12 year old, the stereotypical spiky red hair, scarlet sweater with black leather sleeves, black pants with iron pieces of armor making a skirt, metal encrusted boots, weird orange light thing dangling off a brown leather sash across his neck, black gloves with similar iron armor covering the wrists, tinted red, and a sword that looks like something out of a beginning quest RPG?

"Are you the user 'Sluts4us32' from my WoW Guild years ago- because if you are, we already told you, Frank, that we don't appreciate being made fun of for our virginities like that… Or at least the other members didn't, because I was totally already laid by then… Yeah." "NO! I am _not_ whoever that is!" Sure didn't know who the hell this was then. "I am the descendant of the great Delta, you buffoon! A legacy in the making, and I don't like the way you've been acting around me one bit! So prepare to die!" Woah, woah woah, WOAH!

"Hold the phone, kid- did you just say _Delta_ was your ancestor, and you were his legacy?" "Yes, that is correct. It seems you realize just how noble in blood I am now!" "Hold the fuck up; what's the date today?" "Today is the date of your DEA-" I didn't even let him finish before blowing up a Cero into his face and sending him hurling across the town, scorching. "Damn it, if time moves extremely fast over in the other universe compared to this one, I am gonna be _pissed_ about how many birthday parties I missed out on!" Picking up the sack of potatoes again(Well, at least she emotes as well as a potato, so that's got to count for something.), I started Shunpoeing across the city, looking for a familiar face in the crowd of newbies.

But after about 5 minutes of searching and not finding anything close to what I was looking for, I stopped by some weird looking feline Hollow with only one eye and a bunch of tribal tattoos across it's body. "My name, is Red XIII, and I-" "And I don't care. Just tell me what date it is today, and I'll let you be on your way." The frown the being gave me wasn't exactly a pleased one. "Well, if you must know, it is January, 2017."

I've been gone for _seven months_?!

I was so fired once I sign in again on my Peacekeepers account.

"January, huh? That sure is a… Date to be had." Rubbing my forehead to try and appease the headache that was already forming from this information, I turned and started walking off in a random direction. "Oh, yeah, what was your name again, kid?" " _RedXIII_ , not 'Kid'." "Ah, right, right, kid." "No respect for someone originated from the 2nd Espada…" That got me to stop and turn around again. "2nd Espada…? Espada as in, 'Karrie' Espada?" "Yes! Finally, someone knows of my ancestor!" "Karrie, huh? Well, that sucks for you then." "Uh, what does that mean-" He didn't get to figure that out before he was entirely engulfed in an explosion that caused the whole town to shake.

"Yeah, not dealing with _two_ of them if I can help it… Also, we should run." Running away from the massive scorch mark on the ground that used to be a building(Yeah- really hope no one was in that, by the way… I was _so_ fired.), I made my way to the only place I could think to go to hide out until this whole incident blew over. "Secret lab, here I come."

"Secret lab, WHYYYYYYYYYY?!" Pounding my fist on the white sands of Hueco Mundo as Nemu stood behind me and patted my shoulder sympathetically, I looked again at the now Headquarters of some _punk ass bitch who was gonna DIE_ \- "Tou-Sama, you're foaming at the mouth again." Right; thought I was over this 3 minutes ago when I found this out the first time. "Who the _hell_ is this 'Ko' person anyway, and why did they take over my god damn laboratory?! I was gone for 7 months, not 7 _decades_!" "Ah, Tou-Sama, I believe it would be prudent to find another hiding spot before anyone comes to find out what the energy signal you are currently putting off is." "... Right. As much as I would love to go in and _kick_ _their ass_ , we need to wait this thing out, and figure out where to go from here. Come on- I have a place I know for sure no one has access to other than me." Getting up off the floor with a grunt, I grabbed the Lieutenant turned daughter turned maid and moved to my old Barracks.

"Here; Fraccion 10." Sneaking into the building, it turns out that even _with_ all the hell that had gone down seven months ago, the security absolutely sucked. "This used to be my old home before I established the HRADC and became the Curandero Maestro as well. The old ruler of the place actually went rogue around the same time I left this world for yours, and was the main- okay, the _entire_ reason, I left in the first place. Wonder who owns it now, though." Scratching my chin in thought, I made my way to a rusty looking metal door in the far away back of the building. The entire area around the door was dusty, had numerous cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, and it even had 'Do Not Cross' taped around the whole thing to stop people from entering the vicinity. "Okay, this is the room I was talking about." Taking off the tape from the door, I knocked on the door three times, kicked it twice, and headbutted it once, causing a retinal scanner to pop out of the side of the door frame. "Let's hope my biological structure wasn't messed up with the transformation." As the scanner took a look at my eye, a mechanical arm shot out of another hole in the door frame and took a few hairs from my head. "DNA test." I answered the confused apathetic beings curiosity as the scanner retreated, and then an inch and a half hole in the middle of the door opened up. "And what is that test for, Tou-Sama?"

"... I'll tell you when you're older." Unzipping my pants and sticking in the required object, I paused to think. "Come to think of it, I actually don't know _what_ your age is; what are you, 11?" Not giving her time to answer, the door started beeping before I retracted the object from the door and it started to slowly sliding to the left, letting us see the dark chamber ahead as a sickly looking pink mist started billowing out of the area. "Tous-Sama, I am picking up large amounts of toxins in this mist, is it safe to-" "Don't worry about it, just another safety measure to make sure no one can get into this place without being me or having me go in and deactivate this first. And considering you my daughter now, in blood, you won't be effected either." Motioning her to follow behind me, I made my way through the dark chamber with an eery mist as the door behind us closed automatically. "See, I knew something like this would happen eventually- not the 'Different worlds and transformation' thing, though, I meant the whole 'Need a hideout that no one but me could enter because I did something incredibly stupid' thing… Not gonna lie, I thought I would be using this after finally snapping and breaking the neck of one of the One Direction members… Probably Harry." Getting to the end of the chamber, another door was presented to us. "Okay, hold on." Headbutting the door first this time, I hit it three times, before kicking it once, and knocking twice; causing two glass tubes to fall from the roof and start sucking up both of us with the highest running vacuum power you could find.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I will never get tired of the ride that makes the Kingda Ka at Six Flags look like the tiny spinning teacups.

After what seemed like dozens of twists and turns, about 3 minutes later, the tubes finally ended and dropped us off in a large, sealed off white padded room. "Tou-Sama, is this the room you had made in case you needed to isolate yourself? Do you need the proper equipment to hold you back so you don't go on another rampage?" I looked over at her to see what she was talking about, only to sweatdrop when I saw the straight jacket she now held. I don't even want to know… "No, Nemu-Chan. This is just a cover up for the actual room we'll be staying in." Moving over to the left wall, I crouched down in the corner, and pushed on the bottom padding of the left corner, and suddenly, there was a click as the padded walls slowly lowered, starting to show the actual room around us.

"Tous-Sama...?" "Ah, yes. I suppose you don't know what went on just now. You see, to further ensure no one but me could enter this place I am taking you to, I made the white room to fake people out about the area of location this room is at; no one but me knows the exact place to touch to unlock the key to the hidden room, because the key is continually on the move, going from place to place at random, never staying at one spot for more than a second, and is virtually impossible to track because you cannot sense it, and even I am only barely able to tack it with my Reiatsu, which is the only thing the key reacts to, so even if by some miracle someone not me were able to find it, the entire thing would be useless to them anyway." Now that I am actually explaining these things to someone, I could really see that I was fucking PARANOID before all this happened; I mean, dick sensors? Gas chambers that would make Neo-Nazi's jealous? Insane asylum padded room? I _might_ have overdone this entire thing. As the walls finally lowered all the way into the floor, a pitch black darkness met our eyes, until I clapped my hands twice, letting light filter through the room for the first time in 7 months. "An… Office?" "Not just any office, Nemu-Chan; MY office!" Grinning as I found the entire room hadn't even the faintest speck of dust or anything else that would indicate uncleanliness, I leapt into the air, and landed right on my seat, allowing me to kick up my feet onto the desk. "Now THIS- this, I missed." Pulling out a drawer, I retrieved an embroidered case and opened it, pulling out a thick, black(Innuendo not intendoed.) cigar and lit it with a small metallic lighter that I also pulled from my drawer, and took a huff. "Oh yeah, I needed this." Not bothering to put out the lighter, I threw it back into the fire pit, causing the wood to ignite into flames and cackle in the now silent room. "Man, I could stay like this all _day_." "But, Tou-Sama, don't you need to answer the question of what caused you to lose your powers in the first place in this land, or even the one of what has happened in your absence?"

Way to kill a mood, _Nemu_.

"Yes, I suppose so." Sighing, I took my feet off the table and leaned back into my chair, gesturing for Nemu to sit down on one of the chairs adjacent to me. Once she was seated, I took another puff of the smokey nirvana. "Alright, according to what that lion, puma, _thing_ , told me, it's been about 7 months since I disappeared from this world into yours, and also from what it appears, there are quite a few new Hollows and Shinigami as well; most apparently related, somehow, to Hollows and Shinigami I knew from MY time. Which, thinking on it, makes absolutely no sense, because even in 7 months, there is no way any Shinigami or Hollow could hope to reproduce and create an offspring that cognitive in such a short amount of time; plus, their powers were much too large to be a new being. Something isn't right here… There should be no way to have beings like that created in under 7 months. Unless…" I trailed off as I rubbed my chin and Nemu just looked on as I contemplated on these new events. "They _weren't_ made in 7 months, but were actually crafted into this universe before I even lost my original powers! But that still doesn't solve this; I'd have known of something of this caliber was going on, especially on the Hollow side. I was the head scientist for god's sake! Those other morons couldn't hope to make a fucking _gigai_ without me holding their damn hands while they did it. So whatever this is definitely had to have gone down while I was gone. But then, this just creates more questions, like how did they manage this, _why_ did they do this, or even WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY DAMN LAB?!" "Tou-Sama." "I MEAN WHO THE FUCK DID THIS IN MY ABSENCE… YEAH!"

"Honestly, Tou-Sama, I worry about your sanity at times. And this is one of those times." "Oh hush it, poppet. You're just as insane as I am, now that you're my daughter." Taking another satisfying drag from this decadent cigar, I spewed the smoke out towards the ceiling. "Smoooooth- oh so smooth. Want one?" I held out the box to a confused Nemu, as she slowly lifted one of the objects out of the box. "What is this…?" "This, Nemu, is your new best friend." Taking it out of her hand, I lit the thing up with my own, and stuffed it in her lips. "Alright, now take a breath in, and blow out the residue that sticks into your mouth." Watching her as she did as she was told, I saw her eyes widen as the smoke left her mouth cavity. "So? Do you love it, or do you love it?" Not getting an answer, I looked down to go back into my desk and get some alcohol as well, I stopped as I saw the now empty cigar box. Looking back up, I blankly stared at the girl who now had 5 cigars sticking from her mouth, all lit and in use. "Nemu… Did you just steal all those cigars, and are now using them?" She took out all five cigars with a single hand, and blew out what had to be the biggest tobacco cloud I had seen right into my face. "Hai, Tou-Sama." "You, little-" I stopped and rubbed my eyes with my sleeve as I sniffled. "Offspring of mine! I've never been this proud of someone since Acnologia lost his wiener streaking in my office because of the little-"

My pupils dilated.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY KIT?!"


End file.
